Holidays with the Marauders
by We Didn't Start the Fire
Summary: Wacky and random MWPP holiday nonsense. Starts out really weird but gets better I promise! Eventually a James and Lily fic, but not your typical one. Also a little bit of Alice and Frank at the end.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We two authors are at least 100 United-States-ian, and thus claim no resposibility for the inaccuracies as far as British things go. Actually, we claim no resposibility period, and are not liable in cases of insanity, death, or hot-air balloons. We would say that we don't own Harry Potter, but we think that goes without saying.

Authors' Note: Please review! We have plenty more chapters where this came from, but we want to see if people like it first. This was written by trading off every paragraph or two or so. Because we could.

Sirius had a great idea for Christmas: Secret Snogging. It would be like Secret Santas, only with snogging! There was only one problem. How would he make sure people didn't draw their own gender? Actually, there was another problem. He didn't know any girls in his year aside from Lily. Actually, he knew some girls…in a way…just not their names. But then James walked into him. Literally. Because James was now a ghost. Just kidding! Anyway…so, Sirius quickly decided to ask James the names of all the girls he, Sirius, had ever snogged. James was better at remembering that sort of thing.

So then Sirius explained the Secret Snog idea to James.

"Brilliant idea!" said James, "but how will we keep people from drawing their own sex?"

"Heehee, you said sex," said Sirius immaturely.

"Oh, _do_ shut up," yelped James ominously.

"Sex..." drooled Sirius.

"I know you want to get some, mate, but at least you've had a few good snogs. Remember?"

"But I got my memory wiped. That's why you have to memorize the name of every girl I've snogged. Let's go lasso us a girl!"

"Or at least Moony, so he can figure out the best way to do this Secret Snog thing."

Just then, they lassoed Remus. And also Remus walked by.

"Arrr!" growled Sirius.

"We're _not_ _pirates!_" exclaimed James.

Just then, Moony finally realized that he was being lassoed, and said, "Hey," in a bored drawl.

So they told Moony about the Secret Snog, and he helped them.

"Well the first thing to decide will be are you going to do it so everyone draws a name, and each person gets kissed twice, or so one gender puts their names in, and the other draws, so everyone only kisses once?"

"Well, if we did one draw, then we'd have to pick which gender draws which, and whichever we chose, it would look sexist. Let's do two snogs," said James reasonably.

"Bacon!" cried Sirius unreasonably.

"The next choice is do you want to have a different hat, or whatever we pick names from, for each gender, or something like different colored papers for each gender?" asked Remus.

"I like coloured papers!" said Sirius.

"Well…whatever Sirius says goes…NOT!" said James. "But let's go with the coloured papers anyway."

"How are you going to announce it?" asked Remus, "and with that thought, I will leave you, for I need to do my Divination homework."

"Ugh, dream journals," said James. "We should probably work on those too."

"But we aren't going to, are we?" asked Sirius unnecessarily.

"Nope!"

"What's up?" asked Peter, walking up. And by up, I do not mean that he was gaining in elevation, merely that he was approaching.

"Remus is going to do his homework!" James explained, deliberately leaving out the Secret Snog, as he wanted to keep it secret.

"Okay. By the way, do you think I should get Moony the deluxe edition, leather-bound copy of _Hogwarts, a History_?" queried Peter.

"You mean for the Secret Snog?" blurted Sirius.

"Okay," started James to Sirius, "first of all, you just revealed our secret, and secondly – what! I don't get it. Why would you give someone a present for the Secret Snog?"

"Secret…Snog?" was all Peter could manage.

"Nothing, nothing," said James hastily.

"Oh, alright then," Peter said naively.

"So what do you think of my present idea for Moony?"

"Er…lovely," said James. "Bye! Got to go make up stuff for Divination!" And he and Sirius left, leaving Peter wondering why they were actually doing their homework.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: "Holidays with the Marauders" may cause headaches, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, and death. We do not own any of the characters associated with the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.

Authors' Note: Please rate! We waited forever before publishing this chapter, waiting for reviews. We were just going to give up on it entirely when no one reviewed, until just now we noticed that two people had this fic on their favorites list. So this is for you, guys! Again, please review!

On their way back to the common room, James and Sirius happened to meet up with Lily Evans.

"Hmph!" said Lily, tossing back her hair as she remembered what James had said to her last time they met. She began to walk away.

"Wait!" cried James. He had to keep her around just a little bit longer, so he did the only thing he could think of. He apologized. "Listen, Lily…I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're a stuck-up goody-two-shoes." Seeing Lily's glare, he revised his statement slightly; "I mean – I'm sorry I said you were! Because even though you are, I shouldn't have said it!"

"James," muttered Sirius.

"Shut up, I'm trying to apologize to the love of my life – I mean Lily."

"James, we can use the love of you life – I mean Lily," whispered Sirius.

"Whatever for?" asked James.

"She can convince the girls to join the Secret Snog," said Sirius, slightly louder this time.

"You know, I can hear you. And I will _not_ help you with your stupid 'Secret Snog,' whatever that is," said Lily annoyedly.

"You don't know what snogging is?" asked James eagerly. "Let me show you!" And he ran towards her, arms outstretched.

"No!" exclaimed Lily, fending him off. "I _know_ what snogging is! But – oh, very well, -- what _is _ a Secret Snog anyway?"

"Hah!" said Sirius triumphantly. "I knew we could get her if she only got curious enough."

"I blame Pandora," said Lily, even though she knew neither of them would understand.

"Huh?" asked Sirius and James simultaneously.

"_Read _Hogwarts, a History," intoned Lily dramatically.

"Well, we haven't got time for that right now," reasoned James.

"Yeah, you know how slowly we read!" pointed out Sirius.

"So what _is_ a Secret Snog?" asked Lily.

"Well, it works like this," James began, and launched into a lengthy and boring explanation that would make Professor Binns proud. Lily ate it right up.

Once James finished the explanation, Sirius said, "And he's going to rig it so you both get each other!"

"Er…what?" said a surprised Lily.

James made a "shut up" gesture at Sirius. "Nothing, nothing," he said airily.

Lily narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Forget it," she said, crossing her arms, "You're not rigging it."

"But will you help convince the girls to join in?" asked James hopefully.

"I guess," said Lily, "but I have one question; will there be an age limit? Because a first year snogging a seventh year is kind of wrong."

"Yes," decided James on the spot, "it will be limited to our year and up…and 'up' does _not_ mean including the professors, of course."

Lily gave him an odd look at this last comment, then asked, "Are Remus and Peter in on this?

"Moony is. He had to be. We…well, we aren't smart enough to figure it out ourselves."

Lily started to laugh, then looked puzzled. "Moony? Who's Moony?" she asked.

"Er…no one," fumbled James, realizing he'd slipped up.

"Wait a minute…" pondered Lily, "I asked if Remus and Peter were in on this, and you said 'Moony' because you needed someone smart…are you talking about Remus?"

"Well, yes," James confessed shamefacedly.

"But why is he called Moony?" asked Lily.

"Um...he likes to moon people?" said James tentatively.

"That's odd….it doesn't seem like him," said Lily, puzzled. "Where is Remus…I mean 'Moony,' anyhow?"

"Homework," replied Sirius.

"Git," said James. Lily looked surprised, apparently thinking James was referring to Remus. "No, I meant Sirius," explained James. "You see, you asked _where_ Remus was, not what he was doing. Remus' location is _not_ 'homework.'"

"Well then," Lily said, "I suppose you'll be off to tout your success to him?"

"What does 'tout' mean?" asked Sirius.

"You would know if you'd read _Hogwarts, a History_," said Lily imperiously.

"Why would _that_ help? It's not a dictionary. You seem to think that book can answer any question, down to and including what tonight's dinner will be!" said James.

"…well, it can," said Lily after a pause.

"Well then, what's tonight't dinner?" James sneered.

"Ravioli," said Lily.

"It's just about dinner time," pointed out Sirius. "Let's go and see if the Divination expert is right," he added sarcastically. And off they went.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: We don't own Harry Potter. Never have, never will. Also, we don't own ravioli, if you're curious. Also, this chapter was published at this time mainly b/c one of the authors convinced the other that the previous chapter was too short.

And indeed, dinner included four-cheese ravioli, with ricotta, parmesan, and some other things that resembled cheese, with luscious, sensual tomato sauce, and lightly-toasted garlic bread made with fresh cloves of garlic.

"Firstly: how did you know, and second: why are we having Italian?" James asked Lily.

"I read the board that tells what the next meal will be," replied Lily.

"There's a board!" said Sirius and James almost simultaneously.

Lily rolled her eyes. "You've been here for five years and you _never noticed the board?_" asked Lily rhetorically.

James and Sirius looked at each other as though searching for an answer. Apparently finding none, James looked back at Lily, saying, "But why are we having Italian?"

"It's International Week," explained Lily, "as you would know if you'd read _Hogwarts, a History_."

James gave Lily a funny look, and said, "Do you just say everything's in that book to mess with us?"

Lily shifted her eyes from side to side as if avoiding the question, then finally admitted, "Yes."

Sirius grinned wickedly and said, "But the question is; why does she want to mess with us? Don't answer, that, I have an answer. You see, Lily really _does_ like you, James, and she messes with our heads so you'll stick around longer. Or maybe she thinks you're cute when you're confused."

"That's right," said Lily sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"Really?" asked James eagerly. "Which part's right?"

"The part where you're confused," Lily said flippantly.

"She thinks I'm cute!" shouted James ecstatically, not getting Lily's subtle insult. Several heads turned to look at James.

"And she thinks I'm a prat, which I am!" shouted Lily, mimicking James' voice. Several heads turned to look at Lily.

"Who?" asked Sirius densely.

"Queen Elizabeth I," replied Lily, hoping that the pair would at least know enough about Muggle history to know who Queen Elizabeth was.

"Oh, the famous sixteenth century witch!" cried James. Lily tilted her head quizically, surprised at this new information. "Why would she think I'm a prat? She's long dead," mused James.

"You two are hopeless!" cried Lily exasperatedly. "And why am I even sitting with you? Goodbye, prats!" She got up, and went to sit with some friends.

It so turned out that among the friends she went to sit with were Alice Longbottom and Dorcas Meadows. They both scooted aside to make room for Lily.

"Why were you sitting with _those_ gits?" asked Dorcas curiously.

"You'd prefer her to sit with other gits?" jibed Alice.

"Well," began Lily, speaking in a low voice so that they would both lean in, "there's this plan the boys have got which I rather thought might be fun."

"Please don't tell me it involved hexing Snape," said Alice.

"Surprisingly, it doesn't," replied Lily. "It's called a a 'Secret Snog,' and –"

Alice cut her off; "Wait a minute – is this another excuse for that big prat – I mean James – to try and snog you?"

"Well…" said Lily hesitantly.

"Don't tell me you're actually thinking of snogging him!" exclaimed Dorcas.

"Of course not!" Lily said, giving a theatrical shudder. "I've convinced them not to rig the drawing of names," she said, as if that finished the matter.

"A drawing?" asked Alice. "What kind of drawing?"

"Well, you get out some paper and a pencil…" Dorcas joked, trailing off.

"Well, we draw the name of who we snog out of something – probably a hat – that's how it works," explained Lily.

"So how do we keeep from getting someone of our own gender?" asked Alice.

"I'm not sure," admitted Lily, "I think they've figured something out, not that James or Sirius are smart enough to figure something out, but they've got Remus helping them."

"Remus is going to do the Secret Snog!" asked Dorcas, clearly excited.

"Look," said Alice, rolling her eyes,"I know you fancy him, but the chances that you'll draw him are only one in…Lily, figure it out for me."

"Actually, we're doing two draws – the girls draw the boy's names, then the names go back in the hat and we do it the other way around. So that doubles Dorcas' chances."

"Ha!" shouted Dorcas triumphantly.

"So now your chances are only one in one-_half_ million," joked Alice.

"Well, it depends on how many people we include," explained Lily.

"Who should we ask?" queried Alice.

"Just me and Remus!" exclaimed Dorcas. "That way, I'll be _sure_ to get him."

"…that's funny," said Lily thoughtfully, "I think James had something similar planned for him and me…but about who we should ask, James was going to put up a poster and hold a meeting about it."

"Will it be just for Gryffindors?" Alice asked hopefully. "Because I wouldn't fancy having to snog that Severus character."

"It'll be for everyone," said Lily, but seeing the horror on her friends' faces, she quickly added, "but I'm sure no Slytherin would want to join an event run by Gryffindors."

Dorcas looked doubtful, but decided to move on. "Are the professors included?" she asked. There was a dead silence.

Sirius, who had been eavesdropping with James during the whole conversation, couldn't help saying, "Do you want there to be professors? I always knew you had something for Slughorn."

"Weren't you listening? I don't think it's Slughorn she has a 'thing' for," said James mischieviously.

"Well, I was only sort of listening," explained Sirius. "You see, half my brain was working on a new plot for hexing Snape without getting caught."

"And seeing as you only have half a brain to begin with…" James joked, trailing off.

Sirius began to nod, not having paid much attention, then yelled, "Hey!" when he realized what James had said. "Lily, will you go out with me?" asked Sirius randomly.

"What?" cried Lily and James at the same time.

"Well, Prongs hadn't asked you out yet today, so someone had to," explained Sirius.

"_Why_ would I go out with either of you eavesdropping prats?" Lily rose and turned to storm out, but suddenly stopped. "Who's Prongs?" she asked. "I assumed it was James – it must be…"

"It is!" cried James desparately. "It's – er – because…because I like forks!"

"First of all," replied Lily, "forks have _tines_, not prongs, and secondly – _huh!_"

"Well, we're too stupid to know they're called tines!" Sirius pointed out.

"Well, prats, good-prat-bye-prat. I'm going to the prat-free library!" announced Lily, and

continued to storm out.

"Wow!" exclaimed Sirius with mock entusiasm. "James, that's a record for the number of times she's called you a prat in one day!"

"And the day's not even over!" said James, picking up on Sirius' sarcasm. "Yes!" he cried, giving Sirius a high-five.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I don't know why we're posting this. No one has reviewed, though we've gotten some hits. We would really like some feedback, even if it's negative! We're not the types to get angry over bad reviews. We just want to know that you guys are alive out there!

"Lily, wait up!" called Alice as she and Dorcas tried to catch up with Lily on her way to the library. Lily sighed, then paused to let her friends catch up.

"I need to get to the library A.S.A.P.; Charms is first thing tomorrow, and I need to look up something," said Lily, slightly out of breath since she had started jogging to the library.

"What do you need to look up?" asked Dorcas.

"Something that will keep James from drawing my name in Secret Snog," Lily said, confessing that it had nothing to do with Charms. Dorcas and Alice, perplexed, then left her to it.

In the library, Lily speedily asked Madam Pince for a book on werewolves. To Lily's surprise, Madam Pince headed for the Restricted section. She returned with a dusty volume, entitled, _Werewolves: Subhumans Ruled by the Moon_. But just as Madam Pince was about to hand it to Lily, the austere woman stopped, asking, "Just what is it you want this for?"

"Oh…" stammered Lily, "it's – it's research for Defense Against the Dark Arts."

To Lily's relief, Madam Pince bought her story. "Very well," the librarian said, and, giving one of the rare smiles she reserved for her favorite students, "good luck with your research."

Lily took the book to a table and, blowing dust off the cover, sat down to read. She had just opened the book when she heard something which piqued her interest. Right behind the book-shelf she was seated near, Severus Snape was asking Madam Pince for something.

"Do you have _Werewolves: Subhumans Ruled by the Moon_?"

"I'm afraid I just lent it out. But the young lady who got it is sitting right over there," replied Madam Pince, pointing to Lily. As Severus peered over at Lily through gap the between the books and the shelf above them, his eyes narrowed. Lily wondered if he knew she had been listening in on him.

Lily quickly glanced back down at her book just as Severus came around the corner.

"Hello, mudblood," Snape said nastily, whispering so that no one else around would hear.

Lily glared at him, and opened her mouth to retort, but suddenly stopped. Not for the first time, she felt a surge of pity as she looked at this friendless, greasy, unlikable teen. The glare left her face, and she quite calmly said, "Yes, Severus?"

Severus snorted derisively, having clearly expected to get a rise out of Lily. "Why have you got that book?" he demanded.

Lily had no good answer for this, and so she replied smartly, "None of your business." She looked down at her book again, having no expectation that Severus would let her begin reading.

"I _need_ that book," snarled Severus.

"Well why do _you_ want it?" Lily triumphantly asked him in return.

"Hmph," snorted Severus. "Why would I tell a filthy, dirt-veined—"

"Well then," interrupted Lily, "since neither of us will tell the other why we want it, it should go to whoever got there first. And that would be me," she pointed out. Snape's eyes narrowed even further as he appeared to search around for a clever reply. Apparently finding none, he turned on his heel and stormed away.

Lily spent the next hour poring over the book. When the library closed for the evening, she was careful to check the book out and take it with her, so that Severus couldn't get his hands on it. "This is a restricted book," Madam Pince had informed her, "so you'll have to return it in a week." Even though Lily wasn't sure what Severus was up to, she knew it could not be a good thing that he would be getting his hands on the book so soon. However, she had no choice.

By the time Lily got back to the common room, it was late, and her friends were already asleep. And since Lily skipped breakfast to look over the book some more, it wasn't until Charms that she saw Dorcas and Alice again. "What did you find out?" Alice asked in a confidential whisper.

"Later," Lily said brusquely. "Charms is about to start." And sure enough, Professor Flitwick was clearing his diminuitive throat to get the class's attention.

They spent the period charming various objects to sing a song by the Weird Sisters. By the end, Lily had long since succeeded in getting her horseshoe to sing perfectly in a metallic voice. However, Dorcas' toothbrush only knew the chorus, and Alice's yo-yo sang off-key.

As they walked out of the room, Dorcas shook her head several times in a vain attempt to free it of the tune. "So what were you looking up in the library?" she asked. "And why weren't you at breakfast? Don't answer that last one – it was probably because you got absorbed in whatever book you checked out from the library."

"Well," began Lily, "you're right about the last part. As for the first, have you noticed that the boys – you know which ones I mean – have strange nicknames for each other?"

"No," said Dorcas.

"Yes, but so what?" responded Alice.

"And do you remember what Remus' boggart was when Professor Merrythought showed one to us last year?"

"No," said Dorcas again.

"Well it was – some silvery and round," faltered Alice.

"_The moon!_' said Lily, exasperated.

"The moon!" repeated Alice. "But, but it couldn't have been. That would make him a…a…"

"A werewolf," finished Lily.

"He couldn't be!" cried Dorcas. "werewolves are, like, evil, and my Remie-poo certainly isn't evil!"

"You know, werewolves aren't necessarily evil. They're just normal people with a…" said Lily, trailing off.

"Furry little problem?" supplied Alice, fighting back a laugh.

James and Sirius had been having their own conversation as they walked down the hall, perfectly able to hear the girls, but not listening to the trio's conversation. But when they heard the phrase "furry little problem," their jaws dropped.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Okay, just a reminder because it might be confusing: this is where we left off:

"You know, werewolves aren't necessarily evil. They're just normal people with a…" said Lily, trailing off.

"Furry little problem?" supplied Alice, fighting back a laugh.

James and Sirius had been having their own conversation as they walked down the hall, perfectly able to hear the girls, but not listening to the trio's conversation. But when they heard the phrase "furry little problem," their jaws dropped.

A/N: On with the fic!

"Exactly," replied Lily, "but where did you hear that phrase? It sounds familiar…"

"From me," James butted in, having finally regained control of his voice.

"Then –" began Alice, "—it's true? Remus' furry little problem _isn't _just owning a badly behaved rabbit?"

After a quick glance at Sirius, James looked Alice straight in the eye, and said simply, "Yes."

Dorcas shook her head vigorously for the second time that day, this time to get herself out of shock. "I don't believe it," she said firmly. "I'm going to ask Remus himself." She started to stride off, but then paused and turned around. "Er…where _is_ Remus?" she asked sheepishly.

"His Aunt Georgina died," said Sirius, despite the fact that this was not Remus' location.

"Didn't his Aunt Georgina die in third year?" asked Alice.

"Well, you see…" began James, but Lily cut him off.

"It's a full moon tonight. He's probably…well, wherever he goes to prepare for his transformations."

"Er…" said James, looking down at the ground.

"He's avoiding the question!" cried Dorcas.

"First of all, it was a statement," ennumerated Lily, "and second, it doesn't matter. I'm sure I'm right."

"But then, you always _are_ sure," quipped Sirius.

"Shut up," Alice said smartly in Lily's defense.

"_Now_ I'm going to ask a question," Lily said. "Where _does_ Remus go?"

"Not telling you," Sirius said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"If you're so smart, why don't you just figure it out?" said James snidely.

Lily sniffed, saying, "Maybe I will!" And with that, she stormed off. Dorcas and Alice followed her example, complete with snorts of their own.

The boys stood frozen to the spot. They were rewarded for their lack of movement a minute later, when the girls came walking back in the other direction. James started laughing, and Sirius followed suit. "Went the wrong way?" James asked through his laughter.

"We forgot where we were going," Lily said haughtily.

"Not so smart now, are you?" Sirius taunted.

"Five years and you still don't know your way to the common room!" exclaimed James, grinning.

"At least _we_ know about the board that tells what's for the next meal," said Lily.

"What board?" Dorcas and Alice said simultaneously.

"I'll tell you later," Lily said in an exasperated tone, "and for _your_ information," she continued, turning toward the boys, "we changed our minds. We're going to the library."

"Hah!" exclaimed James. "You won't figure out where Remus goes by looking there!"

"Thanks for saving us the time!" Dorcas said genuinely.

"Yeah," agreed Alice, "now we don't have to spend all our time with boring Lily in the library – I mean – in the boring _library_ with –"

"I think I know what you mean!" said Lily hotly, as she turned once again to return to her common room. She didn't notice that Dorcas had been stopped by James until she reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Alice, where's Cas?"

"Er…I think she's talking to Potter," replied Alice nervously.

"What! How dare she…fraternize with the enemy!"

"Don't you think you're overreacting just a little?" asked Alice.

"No!" cried Lily.

"Look," said Alice, "let's be honest with each other. I know you like James, but --"

"_I do not like James!_" Lily exploded. "I don't like him, fancy him, think he's worthy of ten seconds of my company, think --"

"Okay, okay!" Alice interrupted. "But we know he likes you, right?

"Oho, I think we've know that for awhile!" exclaimed Lily with a strangely Slughorn-like "oho."

"But still," Alice said, almost pleading, "that doesn't mean we have to get mad at Cas over just talking to him...right?"

"Ahem!" said the Fat Lady. "Password?"

"Oh...er, never mind," said Lily to the Fat Lady. And with that, she (Lily, not the Fat Lady) went right back the way she came for the second time that day.

"Where are you going?" asked Alice, jogging to keep up with her (Lily, not the Fat Lady).

"To get Dorcas away from that arrogant, pig-headed, stubborn, vain --

"Prat," Alice finished for her.

"-- Exactly!" Lily said. "On we go!" she cried, brandishing an invisible sword. (Actually, it wasn't just invisible, it was nonexsistent). However, Lily only had to go 13.33338626 steps before she bumped into Dorcas, who had a smug expression on her face.

"Why were you fraternizing with the enemy?" cried Lily, at the same time Alice asked,

"What are you looking so happy about?"

"I wasn't fraternizing with the enemy, just because James- hey, wait a minute, how do you know I was talking to James? And Alice, I'm happy because James and I have a deal." replied Dorcas.

"Alice told me. Just what is this deal for?" demanded Lily.

" I can't tell you that. It's part of the deal."

"Oh, this is stupid. I'm going to the library," annonced Lily.

"Whatever for?"

"No reason whatsoever!" said Lily, and promptly stormed off in the direction of the library.


	6. Chapter 6

Once she had the entrance to the library, Lily paused. She really didn't have any good reason to be here, she thought.

"Excuse me?" came a timid voice from behind her.

Lily turned around to see a tiny first year, unable to get into the library because Lily was blocking the doorway. "Oh, sorry," Lily said, stepping aside. As she couldn't very well stand just to the side of the doorway forever, Lily found a seat and decided to do some homework.

She quickly found she couldn't concentrate. Her mind kept returning to what Dorcas had said - "_I'm happy because James and I have a deal_..." What could have made Dorcas so happy? And why was James leaving her alone for once, in favor of one of her friends? It couldn't be because - her stomach twisted involuntarily at the thought - he no longer liked her? "Oh, this is silly!" she muttered aloud.

This raised a stern, "Shhhh!" from Madam Pince.

"Sorry!" said Lily quietly, and left to go find James and get the truth out of him.

Not surprisingly, she found him in the first place she checked. He was in the common room with Sirius and Peter. Having stewed about Dorcas' secrecy the whole way there, Lily lost no time in casting an angry "_Levicorpus!_" on James.

"Er...hi?" James said after getting over his shock. It worried him that Lily was upset enough to use the very spell that she so frequently railed against.

Lily resisted the temptation to check out James' red silk boxers as his robes slowly fell over his head. "_What_ is your deal with Dorcas?" she demanded.

"I can't tell you," replied James.

"Because it's part of the deal, right?" asked Lily mockingly.

"Well, yes," answered James.

"Lily, just let him down," said Sirius exasperatedly.

"Not until I found out about this deal."

"Lily, do you keep a diary?" asked Remus, seemingly radomly.

"No, why?"

"Then you have nothing to be worried about," said Remus.

"You're not supposed to know about the deal either, Moony!" cried James, still hanging in the air.

"Then you really shouldn't have talked so loud," piped up Peter, he does a lot of piping up…(Later on) Oh, maybe not. Hold on, lemmee do a "find all." Only twice. Lily also pipes up once, oddly enough. who had also overheard James and Dorcas' disscussion.

"Why does it matter that Remus heard?" asked Lily, her curiosity getting the better of her, as it had done earlier that day.

"Because James' part of the deal is to make sure that Dorcas and I get each other in the Secret Snog," replied Remus.

"And Dorcas' is to give my diary to James?" guessed Lily.

James gaped at her, saying, "How did you know?"

Lily shrugged and said, "Lucky guess."

"Well, since you don't have diary, it won't work!" piped up Peter.

"Funnily enough, I'd worked that part out for myself," said James moodily.

"Well, what are you going to do now?" Lily smirked triumphantly.

"I know what I'm going to do!" exclaimed Remus. "This!" and with that, he started doing a solo conga around the room, chanting, "I don't have to snog Dorcas - whoo! I don't have to snog Dorcas - whoo! I don't have to..."

"But why don't you want to snog Dorcas?" Lily said finally. "I mean - " and now she started to get angry - "what's wrong with my friend?"

"Er..." said Remus, giving up on the conga.

"I see your point," said Lily, not really caring, and started her own conga, chanting, "I don't have a diary for James to read." It was a few too many syllables, but somehow she managed to make it work.

"Um, Lily," said Sirius, unusually timid. Lily stopped chanting, but not dancing.

"Yes?"

"Could you let James down now?"

"I don't know the counter-curse," admitted Lily, trying not to sound too happy, "I've got to go disappoint Dorcas, bye!" Lily climbed the stairs to the girl's dormitory, but neither Dorcas or Alice were there. Lily figured they'd come to the dorm eventually, so she sat on her bed and recalled the events of the long day it had been. As she let her eyes roam around the room, she spotted something she'd never noticed before. Dorcas' mattress was higher on one side. "That's odd," murmured Lily.

The urge to tidy things up overcame her, and she went over to Dorcas' bed to straighten it out. She tried pushing on it but when she took her hand away, it still looked as if there was a lump in the bed. Tentatively, she tried sitting on it, but nothing changed when she stood up. Then a brain wave hit her. Once or twice she had walked in on Dorcas to find her hastily stuffing something under the corner of her bed. "Of course!" Lily exclaimed. She knew what was under the bed. Dorcas had once hinted that she enjoyed smutty novels...Lily lifted the corner of the mattress, fully expecting to find a book with its pink cover sporting a hunky man and an woman looking enraptured into his eyes.

She was not disappointed. "_The Promise of True Love_," Lily read the title aloud in mild disgust. But it had seemed as if there was something else pushed even farther under the bed...She reached under again and pulled out a plain spiral-bound notebook with a ballpoint pen tucked into its spiral. It was occasional things like this which reminded her that Dorcas' father was a muggle. Lily was on the verge of dismissing the unpresuming notebook and putting it back when she paused suddenly. Why would Dorcas go to all the trouble to hide something that wasn't important? Lily, never one to let her curiosity go unrewarded, opened the notebook slowly.

She was greeted by a first page covered in small doodled hearts, their insides reading alternately, "Remus," "DM+RL," and "Remie-poo." In the center of the page were large, decorated, curly letters reading, "My Diary." Lily slammed the notebook shut. She shouldn't be reading this. She re-opened it,and debated reading it, but then closed it again, and exited the dorm room once the ride had come to a full and complete stop.

However, once she had walked down the stairs and was trying to exit the stairwell, she ran into a large black dog. The dog had a scroll it's mouth that said (what else?) "for Lily" on the outside. Lily was curious about the note, but more annoyed that the dog was in the way. She tried to squeeze past the dog and continue into the common room, but the dog moved so she couldn't get past. She had experienced wine glasses which wouldn't leave their owners alone until the contents were drunk, and expected that this dog would be much the same way with the note. So, rolling her eyes, she unrolled the parchment, and the dog rolled over in delight.

She found herself suddenly wondering at the presence of the dog, though she thought she might have seen it before somewhere on the Hogwarts grounds. But then, the dog barked once, as if to remind her to read the note. With a rueful smile at the dog's apparent intelligence, she returned her gaze to the note, reading rapidly.

I-won't-call-you-dearest-because-that-would-probably-piss-you-off Lily,

Meet me next Mon. at 20:00 in the library to talk about the Secret Snog, just between us.

Loving you in spite of yourself,

James

"Really!" exclaimed Lily, exasperated. Clearly, she thought, this was just another attempt by James to get her alone so that he could ask her out. The dog was nudging her gently. "Very well!" she told it, understanding that it wanted an answer. "I've got to go get some parchment and a quill from my bag, ok?" she told the dog. It cocked its head as though listening, and almost seemed to nod in response. After retrieving the necessary materials from her dorm room, Lily sat down at a table in the common room to write. She sucked on the end of her quill for a second before beginning, wishing she had brought a sugar quill instead. The dog nudged her again. "Alright, alright!" she said, and put quill to parchment.

Dear Prat,

How dare you try and corner me AGAIN? I've told you again and again, I won't go out with you.

You haven't got a chance,

Lily

Lily rolled up the parchment and tied it with the ribbon she had brought. "There!" she said, holding the letter out as the dog took it in his mouth and trotted off almost jauntily. The dog trotted over to the portrait hole and looked at Lily expectantly. Obediently, she pushed it open for the dog. For a second, she wondered how the dog had gotten in, but figured that one of the students now scattered about the room must have let it in. A few of them were now looking at the big black animal curiously, but they soon lost interest and returned to their conversations.

As the dog left and Lily turned back to the common room, something caught her eye. There, posted on the wall where she couldn't imagine how she'd missed it, was a gaudy, flashing poster announcing a meeting the following Wednesday for the Secret Snog.

Lily was at once torn between the agreement she had made with the boys about the Snog and her duties as a prefect. Prefects were required to immediately remove anything posted in the common room and inform the owners that messages were to be posted on the main notice board only. But all the same, Lily could understand why the boys hadn't wanted the teachers to see such a thing...She tried halfheartedly to peel the notice off the board manually, then said aloud for the benefit of all those who might be watching, "Must be a permanent sticking charm. I'll have to talk to the owners about it." And so off she set to look for the gang of four.

However, the gang of four was nowhere to be found. Lily returned to the common room an hour later, exhausted from her search of the castle. She also hadn't found Alice and Dorcas, which suprised her. How could six people disappear? Admittedly four of them knew about secret passsages (or at least claimed to) and might be hiding from Lily, but her two best friends missing was another matter entirely. Lily climbed up to the girls dorm, feeling defeated, and was extremely shocked to find Dorcas and Alice sitting on their beds, talking.

"Where have you two been?"

Alice shrugged, " The owlrey and the common room. A better question is where have YOU been, we hasven't seen you for like two hours, since you said you were going to the library."

Lily began to get irritated at being treated suspiciously. "No," Lily contradicted, "a better question is what were you doing in the owlery? Just who were you sending a letter to?"

"My mom, like I do every week!" Dorcas said defensively.

"Oh," said Lily, a little chagrined.

"And I was going with her," Alice explained, "like you usually do also. But really, where were you? It's not like you to just disappear."

"Oh, I, er...well, I wanted to talk to the boys, but I couldn't find them," Lily answered.

"Well, didn't we decide they had left to prepare for Remus' transformation?"

"But where could they be?" rhetorically asked, perplexed. "I searched the entire castle!"

"You searched the entire castle?" Dorcas asked increduously. "No wonder we didn't see you."

"Why did you want to find them so badly?" Alice queried.

"Well..." Lily started, "take a look at this," she said, pulling James' note out of her pocket and handing it to Alice. Dorcas read over Alice's shoulder, and when they were both finished, they looked up at Lily in puzzlement.

"So?" asked Dorcas finally.

"Don't you see!" exclaimed Lily. "It's another attempt by him to get me alone! I have to go confront him about it!"

"But why are you so upset this particular time?" Alice asked.

"What do you mean, 'this particular time'?" asked Lily.

"Don't you remember? In second year James handed you a note, then in third year he wrote a note to you on the common room floor, then charmed it to flash bright color whenever you walked on it, and then later in third year he had Remus deliver that one note, and then in fourth year.."

"Okay, shut up, I see your point!' exlaimed Lily, "I guess James has always been giving me notes one way or another. I guess this time it bugs me beause I agreed to do his Secret Snog, and now he's using it to take advantage of me. you know?"

"Well, maybe you shouldn't do the Secret Snog then," suggested Alice.

"Fine by me!" said Dorcas,"the less people that do Secret Snog, the more chance I get Remus." Alice gave her a withering look, and Dorcas promptly withered.

"No," said Lily, "I, er..." she couldn't think of a good reason to continue with the Secret Snog, yet somehow she just couldn't bear the thought of being at odds with James again..."Well, it wouldn't be fair to go back on it now," she said finally.

"True," agreed Alice. "Are you still going to go and confront James?"

Dorcas butted in before Lily could answer, "She couldn't find him, remember?"

"And besides," said Lily, "you were right when you said that he's done this before, and I haven't gotten mad...at least not _too_ mad..."

"I was right?" Alice asked, exchanging an incredulous look with Dorcas.

"Although I did want to speak with him about one other thing," Lily said mysteriously, thinking of the notice posted in the common room against school rules.

"Oh, you mean the poster!" exclaimed Dorcas eagerly. Lily and Alice just stared. "What?" asked Dorcas defensively. "I'm allowed to get brain waves too, you know!"

"Are you really going to bother him for breaking a minor school rule that half our year has broken before anyway?" Alice asked.

"I'm a prefect, I _have_ to tell them off for it!" Lily answered.

"Let Remus do that," said Alice, "it's his unofficial job to be in control of that gang."

"I expect he's already --" began Lily, but she paused when suddenly the wall sconces dimmed to half their power, reminding the girls that it was only five minutes until lights-out, "--tried," she finished. "We'd better get ready for bed;" she pointed out, "everyone else is." And sure enough, the three other girls in their dorm who had entered without the trio noticing were now busy in preparation for lights-out.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day was Saturday, and it dawned ambivalently, with the sun peeking through the clouds occasionally, only to be hidden again. These were tough conditions for Quidditch, as James well knew, having once been blinded by a sudden burst of sunlight when he was just on the verge of scoring a goal. But the Gryffindor team flew in any and all weather, and they were going to be out on the field for practice that morning.

James was stepping out of the portrait hole on the way to the changing rooms when he felt a tap on his back. Startled, he jumped about a foot in the air. Turning around, he saw a very cross-looking Lily, with her arms crossed over her - very nice, in James' opinion - chest.

"You got my response to your note?" she said without preamble.

"I...er..." James stuttered, still a little disoriented as he stepped back into the room.

"_Did you?_" Lily demanded, pinning James against the wall.

James couldn't help but admire her strength - for a girl, he added mentally. And against his better instincts, he felt the need to tease her, "Oooh, Lils, playing rough - I didn't know you were into that kind of thing." Lily's eyes narrowed, but she let him down. "Yes, I did get your note," James continued in a more serious tone, "and I thought it was rather rude, to be quite frank. But now, I really have to get down to Quidditch, or I'll be late. We can talk about this later. Now will you - er - let me past?" Lily, always a stickler for punctuality, could hardly argue with that, so she reluctantly stood aside. But she wasn't quite ready to let go of her anger yet.

"Fine!" she shouted to his back as he went through the portrait hole. "We'll talk later!" Truthfully, it upset her that he could upset her so easily. Originally, she had intended to ask him what else needed to be done for the Secret Snog, but somehow when she saw him, things had gotten all mixed up...it was remarkable how often she lost track of what she was thinking when he was around.

But then Lily was attacked by some flying pickles. Really, she was. Forunately Lily knew the counter-jinx, and cast it before setting (you know, this sounds a lot like an ECD call) off to find the person who she was sure had cast the jinx in the first place. On the way to the Quidditch pitch, Lily happened to meet Remus. She was suprised to see him alone, but then again, two of his friends were at Quidditch practice.

"Hi Remus," greeted Lily.

"Hi Lily, did you know about the prefects meeting tonight after dinner in the Prefects' Room?"

"There's a prefects meeting tonight? How come I didn't here about this?" she asked.

"It's to decide what we're going to do for Christmas celebrations. There wasn't an announcement, the prefects are just supposed to spread the word to each other. So tell any other prefects you see."

"Oh, okay. Bye, Remus." Remus waved at her and was off again. Then Lily remembered something.

"Remus, did James cast a flying pickle jinx on me?" asked Lily.

"Well, um, he had plans to," admitted Remus.

"Ooo - he - I'm - he's -" stammered Lily, her face contorting in rage. A small part of her had been hoping that it wasn't James after all. And with that, she walked tensely away, leaving Remus slightly at a loss.

It took Lily approximately 3.14159 seconds before she realized that she was headed the wrong way. She had been so entrenched in her own fury that she had forgotten James would be at the Quidditch pitch. She turned on her heel and stormed back the way she came, passing Remus again going the other direction. She thought she saw the trace of a smile on his pale face, but chose to ignore it.

Down at the pitch, practice was in full swing. With relish (and also mustard and ketchup), Lily sat down to heckle the game until she could confront James yet again. Seeing Lily out of the corner of his eye, James started and dropped the Quaffle. Lily laughed loudly and nastily. There were few other people in the stands; just a couple of Slytherins who had also come to heckle. With all the moral support they were getting (that was sarcasm, could you tell?) the Gryffindors played sub-par, and were rewarded for it with a firm chastising from their captain once back in the changing rooms.

"All of you, we can't get distracted by a few jeers!" began the-captain-whose-name-we-don't-know. "And James, even _if _your girlfriend is watching, I want to see you concentrate next time! Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate!" said the captain, banging his open palm with his fist at every repetition.

"She's not my girlfriend," mumbled James dejectedly.

"What?" asked the seventh-year captain, who knew little about fifth-year gossip.

"She only wanted to make fun of me because I put a flying pickle jinx on her," James explained.

"A flying pickle jinx?" the captain repeated dubiously. The whole team snickered and tried to avoid James' eyes.

"Yeah," confessed James.

"Well, don't do it again if it's going to interfere with your playing!" said the captain sternly. "Team dismissed!"

The second his head was through the portrait hole, James was greeted by a faceful of flying pickles. "See how _you_ like it!" he heard Lily's voice say. Frantically, he tried to remember the counterjinx as pickles hit him in the head repeatedly. "_Episky!_" he cried. "No, I mean - _Liberacorpus!_" he tried. "Darn it, Lily, what's the counterjinx?"

"Can't remember?" mocked Lily.

"No! It's a really new spell and - ouch!" he cried as a pickle caught him in the eye, "-none of the Slytherins know it yet to cast it on me, so I forgot what the counterjinx is!"

"Fine," said Lily, rolling her eyes as she lazily said, "_Antipickle!_"

"Thanks!" sighed James in relief as the pickles disappeared. "But '_Antipickle?_'" he asked in disbelief. "Who came up with that one?"

"Probably the same person who came up with the _Picklidae_ spell," replied Lily, " and now, to the point, you need to remove the notice in the common room."

"We can't," replied James.

"What do you mean 'we can't,' it was you guys who put it up there!"

"Sirius put a permanent sticking charm on it," said James.

"I figured that much! Well, not that it was Sirius, but that's beside the point..." said Lily, starting angrily, but then trailing off.

"Well, you see Sirius learned the permanent sticking charm from is mother, who's the best of the best at it. The permanent sticking charm of a Black family member is suposed to last after they die. At least she taught him one decent thing."

"Oh that's real great," said Lily sarcastically," so that notice is going to be up there forever, so our kids and grandkids will see it." James smirked.

"You do realise what you just said, right?" asked James, still smirking.

"What are you talking about?"

"You said 'our kids' implying you and I will have kids together."

Lily made a somewhat sub-human sound of anger, then closed her eyes and muttered under her breath, "Count to ten before you get mad, count to ten, count to ten..."

James snorted derisively, saying, "Why not just take a Calming Draught? It must be some Muggle thing." Seeing the look that had come across Lily's face in its travels, he quickly amended, "Not that there's anything wrong with Muggles, of course!"

"Anyway," Lily said, clearly fighting to keep her cool, "when are we getting together to plan the Secret Snog? We should have it all worked out before the meeting with everyone next Wednesday."

"That's what I sent you the note about," James said innocently.

"Really?" Lily asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Not very many people can do that," James said, thinking of the eyebrow thing, "and it's really cute on you." Both of Lily's eyebrows immediately dropped into a scowl.

"Then why was the note only for me, and why did it say to meet you, not the entire crew?" Lily asked triumphantly.

"Er..." James said, at a loss. It was true that the note had been yet another attempt to get Lily alone, but he had been hoping against hope that she wouldn't figure it out. Swiftly, he decided that honesty was the best tack to take. "Okay, I just wanted to get you alone so I could work on convincing you to go out with me."

To James' surprise, Lily merely sighed in an exasperated sort of way why are people always exasperated in this story? (Later on) For reference, it happens eight times. and changed the topic. "So how did Remus' transformation go?" she asked casually.

"Not so loud!" James said in a hushed tone. "It went fine," he continued curtly, not eager to reveal more than Lily already knew.

"Then let's talk about the Secret Snog meeting," said Lily, picking up on James' reluctance, but deciding to go with the flow.

"Tonight?" suggested James.

"No can do," Lily replied. "Prefects' meeting at eight. Tomorrow morning?"

"Nope. Quidditch practice. The captain is really working us hard in preparation for the match against Hufflepuff."

"Hmm..." thought Lily, "Monday night at eight?"

James couldn't help but snicker a little as he said, "That's the time I suggested in my note to you."

Lily rolled her eyes, then nodded assent. "I'll tell the girls. We'll meet in the common room?"

"Right," James agreed. "So...will you go out with me?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: We haven't said this in awhile, so just to be sure: We own nothing.**

**(We left off with James asking Lily):**

"So...will you go out with me?"

They heard a laugh from the corner of the common room. Sirius and Peter, who had been playing wizarding chess, were apparently listening in. "You just never, give up, do you, mate?" Sirius called over.

"Oh shut up," James said, a little irritated.

"And, of course, the answer's no," said Lily sardonically.

"Checkmate," cried Peter enthsiastically.

"And how is that supposed to make her go out with me?" said James, somewhat irritated.

"It's not supposed to help you go out with me, he just won the game," replied Lily for Peter,"Just because I don't date insufferable prats doesn't mean you should snap at your friends."

"Lily?'

"Yes, Sirius? I mean, Insufferable Prat's Friend?"

"Didn't you say you had a prefects meeting at eight?"

"What of it?" said Lily, more rudely then she intended.

"You might want to go now," said Sirius helpfully.

Lily looked at her watch, then cried, "Shit!" James, Sirius, and Peter stared at her, "I mean- shoot! I have to go now! Good-bye Prat and Prat's friends," called Lily, climbing through the portrait hole.

"Why does she still use that Muggle time-keeping device?" wondered James after Lily had left. "If she had a wizarding watch, it would remind her when she had to be at prefects' meetings and such."

"It was a present from her parents when she got her Hogwarts letter," Peter said, "and she says it has sentimental value." James and Sirius both stared at Peter. "What?" he asked, though he knew perfectly well that they were astounded that he knew something about Lily they didn't. "She talks to me sometimes; she says I'm not as big of a prat as you two."

"Well, I guess since you two were listening in," began James with an edge in his voice, "you know that we're meeting tomorrow to talk about the Secret Snog."

"Yes, but we've still got to tell Remus," Sirius pointed out.

"And Lily's got to tell Dorcas and Alice," added Peter. "I hope she doesn't forget after the prefects' meeting."

The prefects' meeting was uneventful, since it was by definition attended by the most responsible students in the school. The Heads of House took turns in getting reports on how things were going from the prefects in their houses. All in all, Lily found it a bit tedious, but strived to appear as enthusiastic as usual for the sake of those around her. Finally it was Lily and Remus' turn to report, as the two Gryffindor prefects in their year.

"Lupin, Evans, what news do you have for us?" Professor McGonagall asked in her usual uptight tone.

"Er..." mumbled Lupin, avoiding McGonagall's eyes."

"James and Sirius put up a notice in the common room with a Permanent Sticking Charm on it," Lily offered.

McGonagall's eyes widened slightly. "I'm going to kill those boys..." she muttered under her breath.

"Oh no, Professor! That won't help," Lily piped up. "You see, Sirius put the charm on it, and if a member of the Black family puts a Permanent Sticking Charm on something, it lasts even after they die."

"Evans..." began McGonagall, searching for a way to chastise Lily, "next time I say something to myself, I don't want you to respond," she finished lamely. "Now what else?" She was greeted with silence. "Evans? Lupin?" she said sharply.

"Oh, sorry Professor," Lily said innocently, "we thought you were talking to yourself."

McGonagall gritted her teeth and thought that it was a shame the boys were rubbing off on Lily so much. "Forget I said that," she said. "Now, is there anything else?"

Lily and Remus exchanged glances. "No, Professor," Remus said finally.

"Then I shall have to see to the matter of this sticking charm..." McGonagall trailed off, then called the names of the next pair of prefects to report. "Smithers and Snith?" (no, we didn't mistype Smith, we want to have a character named Snith!) The sixth year Gryffindor prefects gave a long and boring report about how students in their house kept throwing candy wrappers in the fire.

When all the reports were finally done, Professor Slughorn announced, "And now to the fun part! What are we going to do for Christmas celebrations. Dumbledore thought we should have something extra to bring everyone's spirits up, due to, er...recent events." Lily knew he was refering to the deaths caused by a wizard who the Daily Prophet refered to as "He Who Must Not Be Named."

Remus raised his hand, but Lily pulled it down before anyone could see. She hissed in his ear, "You're not thinking of suggesting Secret Snog, are you?"

"Yes, I am," whispered Remus, "and there's nothing you can do about it." Lily was shocked by his un-Remus-like behavior, but did not interfere when he raised his hand again.

"Yes, Remus, m'boy?" said Professor Slughorn, pointing to Remus.

Remus started uncertainly,"Well, some people in my house," MGonagall snorted, knowing who he was refering to, "had this idea...we were going to do it as an un-organized thing. It called, er, a Secret Snog." All the other prefects looked shocked that Remus would are use the word snog in front of professors. Remus continued, "it works like Secret Santa, only you have to snog the person you draw."

McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout looked as shocked as the students did, but Slughorn cried out, "Splendid! This would of course, be only for the older students?"

"Only fifth year and up," Remus answered.

"Rather convenient--" muttered Flitwick to no one in particular, "--that's Lupin's year."

"Will the professors be included?" asked McGonagall. There were several seconds of silence as even Slughorn turned to stare at her.

"Er, no," Remus said hesitantly, "unless you wanted to be included?" This earned him a sharp jab in the ribs from Lily.

"No thank you, Lupin. I merely wanted to double-check," said McGonagall, self-consciously straightening her glasses as she attempted to regain her dignity.

"Very good, very good," said Slughorn as if nothing had happened. "Lupin and Evans, you can be in charge of that. What shall we do for the younger students?"

After a few minutes of further discussion, it was decided that an ordinary Secret Santa would be organized for those too young to participate in the Secret Snog. Lily and Remus practically ran back to the common room, each bursting to tell their friends the news.

Spotting Alice and Dorcas chatting in front of the fire, Lily cried, "The professors approved the Secret Snog!"

Every person in the room looked up at this outburst, including James, Sirius, and Peter, who had been engrossed in their game of Exploding Snap. "They did?" asked Sirius with a combination of disbelief and excitement.

"Yes!" Remus confirmed. Slowly, people were returning to their activities. "I suggested it and --"

"And they actually agreed to do it!" Lily interrupted.

"That's great!" exclaimed James. But a shadow fell over his face as he asked, "Does this mean we have to include the Slytherins? I had someone put up a poster in the Ravenclaw common room, and someone put up one in Hufflepuff, but..."

"Oh..." said Remus, his face falling, "I hadn't thought of that..."

"Well, it wouldn't have been very nice not to include them, would it?" Lily said waspishly.

Sirius nearly fell out of his chair laughing. "_Nice?_" he said incredulously. "To -- hee hee -- the _Slytherins?_"

"Yes! They're human beings too!" Lily protested. "Sort of..." she added by accident.

"So I guess you'll be all over Snivelly like a cheap suit when you draw his name in the snog?" James said nastily.

"Who says I'm going to draw him? What if YOU draw him?" said Lily.

"But we said people can't draw their own gender!" James pointed out.

"The professors never said anything about that," Lily divulged, "did they, Remus?"

"Er...I'm sure they meant to, though," Remus said, wary of taking sides.

"As a matter of fact, Professor Slughorn put me and Remus in charge of the snog," Lily said, puffing out her (still very nice, in James' opinion) chest.

"Oh, well then, we all bow down to you, mighty ones," James said, laying on the sarcasm.

"Oh, good job James," said Remus, sounding sarcastic and angry, which were both rare for him, "I had convinced Lily to let you guys help in the planning, but there's no way she's going to be willing now!"

"I want to help plan!" exclaimed Peter indignantly.

Lily rolled her eyes. "James has said worse," she said, "and I'm in a tolerant mood today. I'll still let you guys help."

"Really?" squeaked Peter. He looked at a loss for how to thank her, and finally stuck out his right hand. After a quizzical look, Lily took it and shook it. (Ooh! It rhymes!)

Sirius barked a laugh. (Har-har. Barked...Animagus...) "You've got a lot to learn about men," he said, slapping Peter on the back.

"Don't you mean _women_?" Remus asked.

"Hey!" cried Lily, as the fact that Sirius had called her a man registered.

"Dammit! _Women!_ That's what I meant!" exclaimed Sirius. "Stupid similar words..."

"Hmph," said Lily, crossing her arms over her (still very -- oh, never mind) chest.

"Well, why don't we at Monday at eight in the library, like originally planned?" suggested Sirius. Everyone stared at him.  
"What?" said Sirius, refering to why everyone was staring at him.  
"You said something logical," explained Lily, still wide-eyed.   
"Dammit!" cried Sirius,"I've got to remember to stay on my guard..."

**A/N: We're ending at that slightly awkward place to keep chapter length consistent, as the next section should really all be one chapter.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: We own nothing.**

**A/N: First of all, the unedited nature (i.e. random comments from the authors left in) of the past couple chapters is entirely the fault of the younger writer. Apparently, we're not changing it, because "that's our style" according to said writer.**

**Secondly, it's not yet clear whether anything will come of the whole Lily-found-out-Remus-is-a-werewolf thing, because very little forethought went into this fic. We apologize for our lack of ability to plan things.**

James glanced at the grandfather clock. "It's nine o'clock, an hour until bed time. We should do something."

"We should play Truth or Dare!" said Dorcas.

"You know, that's not that bad of an idea," admitted Lily.

"What's Truth or Dare?" asked James.

Lily and Dorcas together explained the game to the others.

"Ooh! Ooh!" said Sirius, raising his hand like he was in class. Only, if he had been in class, he never would have been that anxious to speak up.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Yes, Sirius?"

"Why don't we try it with Veritaserum?" The others stared at him blankly. "What?" he said defensively.

"That's a stupid idea," said Lily, thus killing the cliché.

"Oh," Sirius said, looking dejected.

"Yeah, that was really dumb, Padfoot," confirmed James. "The whole point is that it's a quaint, charming, little Muggle game."

"Yeah," agreed Alice.

"Wait," said Lily to James, "did you just talk about Muggle games condescendingly?"

"I used only good words!" protested James. "Right, Remus?"

"Lily, he did indeed select only adjectives with a positive connotation," Remus confirmed.

"Well, it still _felt_ condescending," said Lily suspiciously.

"It wasn't!" said James quickly. Lily decided to let it slide.

"Shall we begin?" asked Lily.

"I call first!" called Sirius.

"I wanted to be first!" whined Peter.

"Too bad, mate, he called it," James said, patting Peter slightly too hard on the  
shoulder. Peter rubbed his sore shoulder once James looked away.

"Okay, um..." began Sirius, "Lily! Do you or don't you like James in a romantic way?"

"First you have to ask me 'truth or dare!'" exclaimed Lily. "And that question is such an obvious one to ask."

"Okay, truth or dare?" asked Sirius in an acquiescing manner.

"Well, since I _know_ what the question's going to be, I'll take Dare," replied Lily.

"Hah! You're avoiding the question!" said James. "That must mean you like me!" Lily gave him a withering look, and he promptly withered, just as Dorcas did some chapters back. Lily's withering looks were actually quite effective.

"Okay, here's your dare," began Sirius. "You have to ki--"

"WAIT!" cried Remus. "Let's set down some ground rules. Nudity, kissing, groping, fondling, and touching body parts normally hidden by clothing are OUT. And, of course, no magic or anything that would have an effect lasting longer than the duration of this game."

"Moony!" whined Sirius. Remus gave Sirius a stern look.

"How about we allow kissing dares, but none of those other things?" said Alice reasonably, "But you can't dare someone to kiss you." She glared pointedly at Dorcas, then decided she better glare at James too.

"I guess," grumbled Remus.

"So does that mean I get to do Sirius' dare?" asked James excitedly.

"You do know that Sirius never actually said who Lily has to kiss, right?" Remus remarked. James promptly ignored him.

"But it who else would he have said? Right, Sirius?" asked James hopefully.

"Well, actually..." began Sirius, "I WAS going to have her kiss me, but that's out now. So Lily, you have to kiss Alice."

"What!" cried Dorcas, Alice, and Lily.

"Dorcas, you're name's not Alice," Peter observed wisely. Dorcas moved her eyes from side to side shiftily.

"But that's beside the point," interjected Remus. "The point is that, because we've established that we're all really homophobic, so I think that it goes without saying that same-gender kissing and other things of a romantic nature are out."

"Fine," pouted Sirius "Lily, kiss Remus. AND," he said, before anyone could interrupt, "the kiss must be on the lips, and must last no shorter than thirty seconds, and we want to see some tongue and hear some noise, people!"

Lily shot Sirius an angry look. She stood up from her chair, passed in front of the fire to where Remus sat, and, leaning over him, she kissed him.

"Noise! Tongue!" Sirius reminded them, scooching his chair so he could see better.

"Sorry, Remus," mumbled Lily.

"Oh, dear, I'm afraid you broke the kiss. Now you'll have to start all over," said Sirius, not sounding sorry in the least.

Lily leaned in again, mouth open to satisfy Sirius and get it over with, and kissed Remus again, tongue and all.

"Kiss her back, you prat!" Sirius yelled. This was the loudest thing he'd said yet, and the majority of the people in the common room turned to look, only to return to what they were doing when they established that it was just Sirius, and probably therefore not very important. Wanting to get it over with, Remus complied, even though it wasn't his dare.

'_This is actually quite nice_," thought Lily to herself. Frightened that she had thought such a thing, she quickly amended it; "_Though I'm sure that it would be much better if James -- NO!_" she mentally corrected again. Startled by what had just gone through her head, she focused all her concentration into acting out the most disgustingly sordid kiss she could, moaning and gasping to meet the requirements of the dare.

She thought she heard a mutter of "Didn't know they were together," from a corner of the common room.

"And...three, two, one, TIME'S UP!" Sirius called, looking at his wizard's watch, which happened to have a stopwatch built in. Remus broke the kiss. It was now Lily's turn to ask someone "Truth or Dare?"

"Peter, truth or dare?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Sirius, and the few people that were still in the common room turned to look, then realized that it was still just Sirius.

"What?" asked lily, annoyed.

"You're supposed to ask me, and then I pick dare, and you have me kiss someone in revenge!" said Sirius, rather louder than necessary.

"You just want an excuse to kiss someone, don't you?" Lily demanded suspiciously.

"Doesn't that go without saying?" interjected Alice.

Sirius whined,"Well, yes, but that's still not fair!" Everyone ignored him.

"So Peter, truth or dare?"

"Um...er, do I really have to?" Lily glared at him. "Truth, then," he said quickly, a little frightened of the look on Lily's face.

Lily got an evil glint in her eye, then asked Peter,"Which Slytherin girl do you find most attractive.

James shuddered and asked, "Did you just use 'Slytherin' and 'attractive' in the same sentence?"

Though very few people suspected him of it, Peter could lie expertly when he wanted to. There was no telling what Sirius would do if he found out about Peter's attraction to Narcissa Black, but Peter wasn't too anxious to find out. "Medusa Avery," he replied without hesitation.

"But she's a b-- I mean, she's really not nice!" exclaimed Lily.

"Lily, Lily, Lily," Sirius said, shaking his head and putting his hand on her shoulder. "We're talking about Slytherins here. They're not GOING to be...'nice.'"

"Get your hand off of my shoulder," Lily said. Sirius removed his hand.

"Avery's a redhead," commented Remus academically. "I didn't know you went for that, Peter." As what Remus had said registered, he and five others slowly turned to look at a particular Gryffindor redhead, whose pale skin was now flushed bright red with embarrassment.

"Medusa has other characteristics!" Lily objected hotly. "Like being particularly...well-endowed in the chest area! Done magically, no doubt," she finished under her breath.

Sirius snorted. "She certainly is. And do I detect a note of jealousy in that statement?" he asked, pointedly staring at Lily's B-cups.

"James likes me just the way I am!" she cried, frowning and crossing her arms over her (perfectly decent, in James' opinion) chest. The entire group stared at her. "What?" she asked, oblivious.

"You may want to rethink that statement," suggested Remus quietly.

Lily thought about it for a moment, then realized what she had said. "Oh..." she whispered softly, dreading James' reaction.

After getting over the shock, James said, "Of course I like you the way you are! Who could resist such firm, perfect little boobies?"

"Prawns..." muttered Sirius with a look at James, having made similar mistakes with women himself in the past.

"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" yelled Lily.

"Sirius, did you just call me a large kind of shrimp?" asked James.

"No, I said 'Prongs'..." replied Sirius, in a voice which conveyed clearly that he thought James was crazy.

"You're such a shallow jerk!" said Lily to James. "I refuse to play this dumb game anymore."

"Now, now, Lily," Sirius said in mock-comfort, "you remember that we made a pact when we first began this game to play until bedtime."

"No we didn't!" exclaimed Lily. "That's ridiculous!"

"Ah, but you had your memory wiped. Don't you remember?"

"Actually, the point of a memory wipe is that you DON'T remember," Remus commented. "But that's ludicrous, Sirius. No one wiped Lily's mind."

"Obviously, the same person did yours, too, Remie-mate."

"'Remie-mate?'" asked Alice quizzically.

"Only I'm allowed to call him Remie!" Dorcas said hotly.

"Anyway," said Remie, "Sirius, you know we never made a pact or had our memories wiped. But Lily, will you please stay? I would immensely enjoy having another voice of reason around during this madness."

"You could leave too, you know," responded Lily.

Remus paused a minute, looking at his friends warily. "Somehow, I think it might be even more frightening to find out tomorrow morning what happened if I left them to their own devices."

"Hmm..." hmmed Lily, "you've got a point. I think I'll stay."

"Who's turn is it?" asked Alice.

"Mine," said Peter shyly, raising his hand as though he were in class.

"Well, go on then," James said, giving Peter a rather too-hard friendly slap on the back. Peter seemed to receive a lot of those.

"Oof," muttered Peter. "Um, okay, Alice! Truth or Dare?"

Alice pondered for a minute. "Truth," she said finally.

"Which professor do you find most attractive?" Peter asked.

"Good question!" said Sirius, sounding surprised.

"Er..." began Alice. "McGonagall," she finished.

Several seconds of silence ensued. "But you're not a-a-a--" stuttered James, "I mean, you like Frank Longbottom, right?"

"Yes," answered Alice. "I'm not a lesbian. But I am bisexual." Everyone gaped. "Gotcha!" cried Alice, breaking into laughter. "Ooh, I got you guys good."

"That wasn't fair!" cried Sirius.

"Yeah!" Lily chimed in. "Cushion fight!" she cried, grabbing the cushion off the nearest armchair and beaming Alice over the head with it.

"Ow! What was that for?" asked Alice.

"What's a cushion fight?" queried Sirius, perplexed.

"It's like a pillow fight, only with cushions," explained Lily.

"Okay, what's a pillow fight?" Sirius asked.

"You guys are hopeless!" exclaimed Lily, rolling her eyes. "Fine. Let's just get back to truth or dare. Alice, you never really answered the question.

"Hey! She's right!" Sirius noted unnecessarily.

"When am I ever not right?" asked Lily waspishly.

"Wait, lemmee figure out that sentence," said Sirius in puzzlement, "whenever she's not right, she...no, that's wrong. Am I ever on her right...no wrong again..."

"Problems with complex sentences..." muttered Remus. Because he still existed.

"I can hear you, you know!" said Sirius hotly.

"Apparently no one cares which teacher I like," commented Alice to Dorcas conversationally.

"I do!" cried Peter.

"SILENCE!" roared Lily. The crew quieted. "Now," she said, suddenly all sweetness and nice or however the saying goes, "Alice, which _male _teacher do you find most attractive?"

"Merrythought, I guess," said Alice rolling her eyes.

**A/N: We're assuming Merrythought's male just for the heck of it.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: We own nothing.**

**A/N: After this chapter, we may start publishing longer chapters. As you saw, the break between this one and the last one was awkward, and created only for the purposes of consistent length. Breaking the next scene would also be awkward, hence longer chapters. We can't guarantee we'll be able to keep it up, but we'll give it a try. I'm sure you'll all be horribly disappointed that we're putting out longer chapters.**

"My turn," announced Alice, "Lillers, truth or dare?"

"Don't _ever_ call me Lillers again, 'Allers'."

"Somehow 'Allers' doesn't have quite the same ring to it," said Sirius. Everyone promptly ignored him.

"Fine I won't call you Lillers!" said Alice, "could you please just pick truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Okay, when did you start liking James?" asked Alice. James gaped.

"That isn't a fair question!" came a cry of indignation from Lily. "That question is presuming that I already like James -which I don't- and that should have to be a separate question!"

"There aren't any rules like that," smirked Sirius.

"Fine. I have liked him for negative one billion years," answered Lily.

"Wow, you liked him for that long and never said anything?" asked Peter stupidly.  
_  
"Negative, _I said_ negative_," said an exasperated Lily.

"Huh?" asked Peter, puzzled.

"Negative one billion years is the opposite of one billion years," explained Remus.

"Fine, my turn," said Lily. "Oh Doooooooooorcas," she said in an odd sing-songy voice. Dorcas gave her an odd look.

"What was that for?"

"No reason. Truth or dare?"

"Truth," replied Dorcas, not quite over Lily's weirdness.

"Who do you want to get in the secret snog?"

"Re-" Dorcas began automatically, then stopped herself, "Regulus! Sirius' brother! I just started it with 'ree' because I have pronunciation problems." Everyone stared at her and there was a generic awkward silence. Sirius broke the silence by pretending to gag.

"Well, moving on then?" suggested Peter.

"I think that would be good," said Dorcas quickly, "Remus, who do _you _want to get in the Secret Snog?"

"You can't repeat a question!" cried Sirius. Everyone ignored him. Remus was looking uncharacteristically bashful.

"Well, er, well... Kaila Lewis," he finally admitted.

"That Ravenclaw who's in our Herbology class?" asked Alice. "Huh, I guess she is kinda pretty."

"Yeah," said Remus, taking a sudden interest in his fingernails.

"Checking out your fingernails makes you look gay," Sirius pointed out. Remus stopped.

"James," said Remus, "Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

Remus looked disappointed. "But I had a deep, insightful, and revealing question all prepared," he said.

"Why do you think I chose dare?" asked James rhetorically.

"Fine," said Remus. "I dare you to tell us --"

Sirius cut him off. "Daring someone to answer a truth doesn't count."

"Drat," said Remus. With that loophole gone, he tried again. "I dare you to show Lily your lucky boxers."

"Can I go up to the dorm first?" pleaded James.

"Well, duh," said Dorcas, "Don't you have to go get them? Or do you carry them around everywhere?" Everyone but James snickered.

"Hey!" shouted James. Everyone kept on snickering. "Pay attention!" They all finally stopped snickering. "The reason that I wanted to go to the dorm is to change, because I'm wearing them right now!" His friends burst out laughing, because, I assure you, it was much funnier if you were there.

"Well then obviously you'll have to take off your pants here!" said Remus, really getting into the game. (James was wearing muggle pants, not robes, because A) He could, since he wasn't in class, and B) He had once overheard Lily tell her friends that she thought robes made men look kind of girly.)

"Yeah!" said Peter, because it's fun to have both the people you wouldn't expect to say this sort of thing say it. 

"Take them off! Take them off!" Dorcas starting chanting, then stopped when she realised that no-one else was chanting. "Stupid mob-psychology-resistant friends," she muttered.

"Eh?" queried Sirius.

"Never mind," replied Dorcas.

"Fine," said James, a blush creeping up his cheeks. The ones on his face, that is. "Everyone has to close their eyes though." He noticed that everyone was staring at him, eyes wide open. With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, he began to unzip his fly.

"Whoooooo-hooooooo! Striptease?" called a seventh-year from across the common room. Apparently, the word "boxers" (coming from someone other than Sirius) had attracted some attention. And by "some attention," I mean that everyone in the room was staring at James. The seven fifth-years had been too engrossed to notice.

"Take them off! Take them off!" a perverted little third year of ambiguous gender began to chant. Others quickly joined the pervert.

"Why didn't that work when I tried it?" muttered Dorcas.

"Eh?" queried Sirius.

"Never mind," replied Dorcas

James decided he might as well take advantage of the situation. "For you, ladies," he said with a wink to the room in general. He began to slowly remove his pants in what he thought was a seductive manner. It was a good thing he had never felt an inclination to become a professional stripper.

"Don't quit your day job!" heckled a fellow fifth year.

"Hey, don't I know you?" James said, pausing.

"Shut up and dance, pretty boy!" insisted the perverted third year. James did so.

"Dunh-unh! Dunh-unh-unh!" Sirius was humming what he apparently thought was appropriate stripping music. James' plan was to throw his pants at someone (namely Lily) but he soon encountered a problem. He had forgotten to take his shoes off. As he tried to pull his pants over his feet, he wound up tipping over. Into Lily's lap, that is. The laughter that had started when James' conundrum began only increased when Lily shrieked and tried to shove him off of her lap.

"Dunh-unh! Dunh-unh-unh!" continued Sirius, apparently oblivious to what was happening.

"So...who's going to go help them?" asked Alice.

"Not me!" shouted Remus and Dorcas immediately after Alice finished talking. Sirius was still providing the music. Remus, Dorcas, and Alice all turned to look at Peter.

"Alice hasn't said 'not me' either," he observed.

"Not me!" said Alice. 

"Darn it!" he cried, "I knew there was something I was forgetting!" "Do I really have to go near him when he's not really wearing any pants?" whined Peter.

"He's wearing pants," said Sirius. "Er...sort of." Indeed, James' pants were on, but down around his ankles.

"Never mind," said James, who had by now plopped (yes, plopped) onto the floor, and was attempting to salvage some dignity by wriggling back into his pants. "There," he said. "She saw my boxers. Is everybody happy?"

"Well, I didn't really actually notice what type of boxers they were," Lily said. "I was too busy having James fall on me. Should it still count?" she asked her friends in general.

Peter shrugged. "The dare was Remus' idea."

"Yes, it counted," said Remus firmly.

"Lily, truth or dare?" asked James once his pants were finally on and the rest of the people in the common room were no longer paying attention.

"That's not fair!" shouted Sirius before Lily could answer.

"Why?" asked Alice.

"This will be the third time Lily's gone, when everyone else has only gone once!"

"You mean you actually kept track?" asked James, amazed.

"Well, duh. I need to make sure everything is kept fair, you know," replied Sirius.

"Wait a minute, you do know that it's generally consider a bad thing to have to answer a question or perform a dare, right?" began Remus, "And since we'll have to go to bed after this, and Lily won't get to ask someone, she gets the figurative short end of the stick, really."

"So?" complained Sirius.

"Hey, that's right!" realised Lily, "James, you should have to ask someone else."

"Lily, why don't you just go with it. We only have something like five more minutes, and I want to get another truth or dare done," suggested Alice.

"Oh, fine," said Lily. Sirius continued to pout, but didn't say anything else.

"Well?" asked James after a pause.

"Well, what? Oh, truth," said Lily.

"Do you like me?" asked James, a hopeful gleam in his eye.

"You do know that was a total waste of a question, right?" said Remus, trying to contain his laughter at James' stupidity.

"Yeah, that was a total waste," said Lily. "Okay, good night everyone," she said, getting up and striding toward her dorm.

"Wait," said Remus softly. She stopped. "You never answered the question."

"Of course I did," said Lily with an unconvincing laugh.

"No you didn't!" protested James. "See?" he said smugly to Remus. "I did not waste a question!"

"I thought you were on my side!" said Lily, glaring at Remus. "We sane people have got to stick together, you know."

"Lily, answer the question," suggested Remus, quietly taking the abuse from both James and Lily. "We have precisely two minutes and eight seconds before the lights go out, and I would like a minute to get up to my dorm and brush my teeth before that happens."

"Ever heard of 'Lumos'?" muttered Lily.

"Two minutes and two seconds."

"How do you know how much time there is left, anyway?" Lily demanded.

Remus indicated the grandfather clock. "One minute and fifty-seven seconds."

"Well, I guess we had all better get to bed," said Lily. No one moved.

"Quit stalling!" Sirius demanded.

"Fine," said Lily. "I find you annoying, James."

"That doesn't answer the question!" complained James. "Remus, why's she being a git?"

"Goddarn it all," said Sirius. "You can admit that you like James. We won't laugh."

Lily looked around at the earnest faces around her nodding in agreement with Sirius. "I do not like James," she said finally. Everyone burst out laughing at the obstinate redhead. "You said you wouldn't laugh!" she exclaimed angrily.

"No," corrected Sirius through his laughter, "we said we wouldn't laugh if you admitted the truth. Your stubbornness is just too funny not to laugh at."

"Well...well..." said Lily, then made an odd angry sound that was rather like "arghlenek." James couldn't help snorting at the sound. Lily decided to just admit defeat and went up to bed.

"Good night everyone," said Alice, following Lily up the staircase.

"Good night Remus," said Dorcas, following her two friends up the staircase. Remus looked puzzled, but said, "Good night," intending it for both girls. The rest of the Marauders echoed him.

"Why did Dorcas say good night to just me?" asked Remus once he thought she was out of earshot. Sirius and James gave each other a shifty look, while Peter looked just as puzzled as Remus. Sirius yawned a yawn that was obviously fake.

"Oh, I'm so tired," he said, "I'm going to go up to the dorm."

"Yeah, me too!" said James.

Finally, they all got into bed, and Remus even succeeded in brushing his teeth before the lights magically turned themselves out.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Alright, alright, special treat today only: the new oneshot PLUS a new chapter in this fic.**

**11/23/07 fixed some errors**

In the dorm of the other gender, things weren't going nearly so well. No one had managed to brush their teeth before the lights went out, and no-one was talented enough to brush their teeth and hold an illuminated wand at the right angle at the right time. The author was also not talented enough to not have to repeat prepositions. The girls eventually solved their teeth-brushing problem by having someone else cast Lumos and hold their wands up.

The girls all said "good night" to one another, and drifted off to sleep. However, Dorcas couldn't seem to get to sleep (even though her teeth were brushed.) She decided to go down to the common room, because that's apparently what HP characters do when they can't sleep, instead of reading a book like a normal person.

Dorcas entered the common room, but stopped when she saw a head of shaggy light hair above the back of a chair in front of the fire. She had studied that hair from her seat in Potions so many times that she knew without a doubt that it was Remus'. "_Talk to him!_" said one part of her brain. "_Go back to bed, you sleep-deprived moron!_" shouted another. "Remus?" Dorcas heard herself say. "_I didn't actually mean to say that until I had finished my internal monologue," _she thought.

"Dorcas, is that you?" asked Remus, turning around in his chair to answer his own question.

"Yes," she replied unnecessarily. "What are you doing?"

"Brooding."

"Why?"

"That girl I told you about, Kaila, doesn't seem to know I exist." Remus shrugged. "That's life, though. I'll try not to get too angsty on you."

"Yeah, I know how you feel," mumbled Dorcas.

"Oh yeah, James and Sirius told me about that conversation where it became clear that you like Slughorn."

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Dorcas. "Just because I asked if the teachers would enter in the Secret Snog doesn't mean I like Slughorn!"

"Oh. Well who, then?"

"Oh, just...someone. You probably wouldn't know him." Dorcas lied "_Hey that's philosophical if you put it back in context! Cool..." _

"Dorcas!" said Remus in that weird whisper-shouting thing people do. Dorcas finally snapped out of her thoughts.

"Sorry, what was that? I was spaced out."

"I asked if you wanted to go to the kitchens with me," said Remus, "But if you're that tired..."

"Iwannagowithyou!" replied Dorcas (I use the term "replied" loosely.) "I mean, sure, I'll go. I'm not tired enough to go to sleep."

"Alright then," said Remus, standing up from his chair. "Are you coming?" he asked Dorcas after reaching the door.

"Yes!" Dorcas said hurriedly, following Remus. He pushed the portrait open.

"Ladies first," he said politely.

"_He's so sweet! Squee!"_ Dorcas thought as she climbed through the hole. "_I wonder if he's checking out my butt? Maybe that's the whole reason he wanted me to go first! Double squee!"_

"Let's do this quietly, so none of the teachers will catch us," said Remus.

"Yes, dear."

"Oka-- did you just call me dear?"

"No?" suggested Dorcas.

Remus looked at her quizzically. "I could have sworn...Well, uh, so...on to the kitchens then?"

"Sure!" said Dorcas, but did nothing. There was an awkward silence.

"You don't actually know where the kitchens are, do you?" asked Remus, trying not to smile.

"Of course I do!" she snapped.

"Lead the way, then," said Remus, no longer suppressing a smirk.

"No, I think you had better go first," suggested Dorcas quickly. "If we run anything scary, it'd be way better to have you in front protecting me," she said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Erm, are you trying to use your feminine wiles to get out of admitting you don't know the way to the kitchens?" asked Remus astutely.

"No. I just think that it would be safer to have a big, strong, handsome werewolf go in front."

Remus stopped hearing her the instant she said "werewolf." Trying to maintain his usual unflappable demeanor, he replied, "The adjectives used may have been debatable, but I can't deny the noun. How, exactly, did you come to the knowledge that I am one of the earth's truly loathsome creatures?"

Dorcas was exempted from having to say something about Remus' self esteem by Filch, right at that moment, jumping out at them from behind a corner.

"Ha ha, I've got you now!," he cried, "Detention for the both of you! Come with me to your Head of House's office."

"Is he, like, insane?" whispered Dorcas.

"Shush!" replied Remus, as they began to follow Filch.

"Seriously, though. Who gets pleasure out of finding student out of bed?" asked Dorcas. Remus looked like he was about to respond, but then began snickering.

"What?" she asked angrily, thinking Remus was laughing at her.

"Oh, I was just thinking about how Sirius would interpret that," said Remus, completely forgetting to whisper. Dorcas gave him a perplexed look. "I mean sexually," he explained.

"Ohhhh," she said, and began to snicker too.

"Oi, quiet down, you lot!" Filch called back over the lower of his lopsided shoulders.

"Do two people really qualify as a 'lot'?" wondered Dorcas aloud. Remus cracked up as quietly as possible. (It wasn't all that funny, but he had never really gotten over the previous round of laughter.)

"I never knew you could be so witty, Meadows," he replied in a whisper, eyes twinkling a la Dumbledore.

"Ah, Mrs. O'Neil!" crooned Filch as a mangy predecessor to Mrs. Norris came into view. "It seems we've got ourselves some students out of bed, eh?" The cat meowed in response. "I'm taking the horrid little troublemakers to see Minnie. Oh, she hates it when I call her that, doesn't she, but I'll win the woman over yet, you'll see, Mrs. O'Neil. I sent her some flowers from the garden, very nice looking ones at that, considering it's December, and..."

"Is he absolutely barking mad?" Dorcas wondered as Filch kept babbling and the three (four, if you count the cat) kept walking.

"What's worse is that Sirius said he once heard Filch say he planned to send Slughorn some crystalised pineapple to win his affections. I'm never sure if I should believe Sirius, though."

Dorcas was so busy laughing, she did not notice when Remus stopped, and thus crashed into him.

"What did you stop for?" asked Dorcas annoyedly, rubbing her nose where it had bonked into Remus' back. 

"We're here," replied Remus, rolling his eyes.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me!" snapped Dorcas.

"... Could you possibly say something less authority-figure-sounding? That was kind of weird." said Remus. Dorcas began to giggle.

"Pot... black... much kettle calling."

Filch knocked on McGonagall's door. He started to hiss back at Dorcas and Remus; "Quiet down, you little --" but just then the door opened to reveal their Head of House. "Minnie!" Filch said, with what he obviously thought was an endearing grin. "Did you get the flowers I sent you?"

"Filch, if you've woken me up for the fifth time this week merely because some students were out of bed, by Merlin I will skin you alive," stated a cross and unusually bedraggled McGonagall.

Filch's eyes narrowed. "Oh, it's a bad time, is it now, love?" McGonagall opened her mouth to speak, but Filch held up his hand for silence. "I see how it is. I lavish my affections on you, but you're shacking up with someone else. Is it Dumbly-dore who's waiting for you in your bed as we speak? Is that how you repay my love? Fine! I'll go back to devoting all my time and energy to Slughorn, instead!"

Dorcas whispered to Remus, "Perhaps we ought to leave them to sort this out alone."

"Meadows! Lupin!" snapped McGonagall, as though she were noticing them for the first time since she'd arrived.

"Er, hi," said Dorcas, turning back around from her attempt to sneak away.

"I believe you are in need of punishment," said McGonagall, ignoring what Dorcas had said, "Your punishment is that you both have to go back to bed, right now."

"I don't think that's a real punishment," pointed out Remus.

"It is if I say it is!" snapped McGoangall.

"Sorry," said Remus meekly.

"Filch, take them back to their dorm."

"Yes, dearest," said Filch. McGonagall looked ready to kill.

"I am NOT your 'dearest'!"

"I knew it!" shouted Filch, running away crying. McGonagall sighed.

"I suppose _I_ will have to take you two back to your dormitory," said McGonagall, trying not to let her anger show.

McGonagall started briskly walking in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.

"Professor, aren't you going to put on any clothes?" Remus asked, trotting to keep up. Dorcas was trailing behind.

"Mr. Lupin, I am hardly naked. You'll note that I am, in fact, entirely decent."

Remus raised an eyebrow as he looked over McGonagall's sleep robes. He never would have thought she was the type for girlish, frilly, and...pink.

"If you remark on my choice of sleepwear, Lupin, I can guarantee you'll get that 'real punishment' you were so desperately looking for," said McGonagall, discerning his thoughts using either Legilimency or that odd sixth-sense teachers always seem to have. "Now, if at all possible, I would prefer to complete this odious journey in silence." Remus proceeded to shut up.

Eventually, they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. The Fat Lady, having woken up when she heard them coming, opened her mouth to say something, but McGonagall interrupted her with the password. "Spotted kneazles," she said (McGonagall, not the Fat Lady. Yes, yes we did already beat that joke to death.)

"Oh, poo," pouted the Fat Lady as she opened. "I had a quite witty remark all prepared, but you messed up my comic timing." Just then, the Fat Lady noticed that no one was paying attention.

"Good night," McGonagall said to Dorcas and Remus tensely as she stalked away. "...you little brats," she muttered under her breath a little too loudly.

"Go on now, I haven't got all night!" complained the Fat Lady, waiting for them to step through the hole.

"One could argue that, since you're not exactly going anywhere, you _do_ have all night," Remus mumbled to himself as he indicated that Dorcas should go through first.

"I heard that, young man!" the Fat Lady scolded as Remus followed Dorcas. The Fat Lady slammed the portrait hole shut angrily behind him.

"So..." said Remus, "Wanna go back to the kitchens?"

"Hells yeah!" replied Dorcas.

"You do realize that that is a reference to a commercial which will not air for at least thirty more years, right?"

"Well, yeah... Can we just go to the kitchens now?"

"Only if you lead the way," smirked Remus, recalling their earlier conversation.

"Fine, I don't know where the kitchens are!" exploded Dorcas, "Are you happy now?! I admitted it!"

"Quite, thank you. Now please refrain from shouting, we don't want to wake anyone." 

"Well, _go_," said Dorcas, waiting for Remus to leave the common room.

"You could go first, and we could just have me lead once we get outside the common room," he pointed out.

"Fine!" replied Dorcas, and began to crawl through the portrait hole.

Remus couldn't help but notice, as Dorcas went back through the portrait hole, that Dorcas had apparently sat on something neon blue.

"Were you checking out my butt?" demanded Dorcas from the other side.

"Not exactly. You seem to have sat on something."

"_Drat, he wasn't checking me out," _thought Dorcas as she made a big show of contorting herself to see the alleged stain on her robes. "Where is it?"

"Would you like me to indicate it by touching it?" Remus said dryly.

"_Yes! Touch my butt!_" thought Dorcas. "No! Don't touch my butt!" said Dorcas. "Oh, you mean this huge blue stain here?" she said, finally locating it.

"That's the one," replied Remus in a monotone.

"I don't suppose you'd mind if I went and changed?" Dorcas asked.

"Not at all."

The Fat Lady spoke up. "In or out, make up your minds! A lady has to get her beauty rest, you know!"

"Or rather, a portrait of a lady," muttered Remus.

"Young man, if you do not desist in irking me, I shall...I shall..."

"Yes?" said Remus.

"I shall never open for you again!"

"That's the best you could come up with?" asked Dorcas dubiously.

"Young lady, get back in there and change already, so you can leave already!"

"Fine, fine," said Dorcas. She was surprised all the noise hadn't attracted Filch, Peeves, or anyone equally annoying. Reentering the common room, she went upstairs to change. She was about to face a huge dilemma about what to wear on this private excursion with Remus, but just then she realised that making Remus wait fifteen minutes during her internal monologue wouldn't exactly impress him.

All the other girls were asleep, so she said a quiet _"Lumos_" to her wand, and changed into the first clean robes she saw. Fortunately for Dorcas, they turned out to be a perfectly ordinary set of robes. This also enabled the plot to move along, and not get hung up on someone's robes for a third time.

"Let's go," said Dorcas, as she strode past Remus in what she hoped was an elegant way.

They reached the kitchens without much further conflict, other than an argument about the virtue of chocolate frogs. The two were immediately swarmed by house elves.

"Why are you guys still awake, anyway?" asked Dorcas, "Don't you have to get up before the students to prepare breakfast?"

"We take shifts," squeaked an elf in reply.

"Wow, I thought the reply to me question was going to make me feel much more pity for the house elves than it did," said Dorcas.

"They're not stupid, you know."

"Then why are you talking about them as if they aren't right there?" asked Dorcas with a smirk

Remus had no good reply to that. "Oh shut up! Are you going to get any food?"

"What can I get?" Dorcas asked Remus.

"Anything you want, Miss!" replied Remus. Okay, okay, so it was actually a house elf.

"Lamb vindaloo?" suggested Dorcas.

"Er, no?" suggested the same house elf.

"Escargot?"

"No."

"Pad thai?"

"No."

"Latkes?"

"Think Scottish," Remus suggested in a whisper.

"It's not _my_ fault my family lives in London, now is it?" Dorcas asked defensively.

"Meaning...?"

"When someone says I can have anything I want to eat, I start thinking exotic. My family eats out a lot." Remus raised an eyebrow. "Don't get your knickers in a twist just because we don't have traditional family meals," Dorcas said with a frown. "My mum and dad both work."

Remus was about to reply, but the house elf piped up instead, looking rather worried. "Miss, Bilby is terribly sorry we have no...er...lamb...stuff."

"Or anything else," muttered Dorcas.

"She'll have Shepherd's Pie," replied Remus for Dorcas, not wanting to continue with the nonsense.

"Meanie," said Dorcas, after Bilby had rushed off to get their food.

"Here you are!" said Bilby, carrying a platter that seemed much to large for her. Remus finished off his éclairs quickly, but Dorcas just picked at her pie.

"I really don't want this, you know," she said, annoyed.

"Fine, bring it back and I'll give it to Sirius."

"Isn't he, like, asleep?"

"Yeah, but he says to always wake him up for pie."

"...You do know that your friends are really weird, right?" asked Dorcas.**  
**

Remus shrugged. "Shall we go take the pie to Sirius?"

"Sure," Dorcas said a little dejectedly. She had been hoping more would happen on the kitchen adventure than just eating. Or maybe she was hoping that there would have been eating of a different kind. Yes, yes I am making this sound dirtier than actually necessary.

"Why the long face?" Remus asked with concern, halting his leave-taking body language.

"I'm disappointed that I couldn't get any lamb vindaloo!" Dorcas covered quickly.

"Okay..." said Remus. "I guess you must really like that stuff."

"Yes," replied Dorcas with a fake laugh. Remus was sure there was something else going on here, but he didn't think it was his place to push her. When she was ready, she would tell him. "So, pie, Sirius, eh?" Dorcas said brusquely, standing up and heading out the door.

They returned to the dorm, and Sirius was overly ecstatic about the pie.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Oops! We forgot the following part of Chapter 12, because we're idiots (and the parts were saved on two different computers). If you were confused, that's why. Here it is:**

Stuff happened. Time moved through space. Space moved through time. Then, the meeting happened. Miraculously, everyone was there on time. However, this did not mean that any progress was being made.

"I assure you, it would be much easier to catapult a bunny using a fork!" declared James.

"Spoons are the way to go!" cried Sirius.

"Why are we catapulting bunnies?" asked Peter.

"Don't hurt the poor bunnies!" said Dorcas.

"There are much better ways of making a bunny catapult besides utensils," pointed out Remus.

"Forks are bendier!" shouted James.

"But why are you guys doing this?" asked Alice.

"Spoons!" shouted Sirius.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Lily. Everyone shut up, lest they provoke the anger of the redhead. "Now, what was it we had to decide at this meeting?"

**A/N: This chapter is very silly. (As if the other chapters weren't). But in it, the Secret Snog finally happens! (Well, at least half of it. We'll try to write the rest shortly.) Thanks to all who review!**

"Now," said Lily, "we have a few issues to address. Firstly, do we know who's signing up for the Secret Snog?"

"Well, er, James and I put up a sign up sheet," said Sirius.

"I noticed," replied Lily dryly. "However, I also noticed that the notice – that didn't sound very intelligent – okay, the _poster_ did not actually have a space to sign up."

James and Sirius looked at each other incredulously. "I can't believe we didn't think about that!" said James.

"I can," muttered Lily with a roll of her eyes. "It's probably not too late, though. We can put up a sign-up sheet on the main board --"

"Which no one except for Lily ever looks at," Sirius said under his breath to James. Fortunately, Lily didn't hear.

"—and since the teachers approved the Snog, we can probably even have an announcement made about it. That way people will know the sign-up sheet is there, since no one except for me ever looks at the main board. By the way, with the help of Prof essor Flitwick, I have charmed the hats against rigging. I will also take responsibility for putting the names in the hats, once we have people signed up."

"What colours are the hats?" asked Sirius.

"Pink and blue -- why does it matter?"

Sirius gasped. "We can't have pink and blue hats!"

"Erm, why not?" asked Lily.

"Those are girl and boy colours!"

"Well, yes, that's the general idea."

"Noooooo!" wailed Sirius.

"Childhood trauma," Peter supplied matter-of-factly.

"Does it have to do with his mother?" asked Dorcas.

"Yes," replied Peter. Sirius was busy hyperventilating.

"Do we want to know?" asked Alice.

"No."

"Let's do green and orange hats!" suggested James suddenly.

"Green and orange? Okay!" Sirius said happily.

"What shades of green and orange?" asked Alice.

"Kiwi and tangerine!" exclaimed Dorcas.

"A fruit theme?" Remus said to himself.

"Yes, Remus," said Lily without really paying attention. "Fine. I will change the colour of the hats to kiwi and tangerine. _It's settled_," she added firmly. "You know what else is settled?" She hurried on. "That we're going to let people snog whomever they draw on their own time, as long as its within the next week, and we will say so on the revised sign-up sheet."

Many voices rose in protest, and the volume level gradually rose as everyone tried to get their say in.

"QUIET!" roared Peter finally. Everyone gaped. "The only real problem here is how we enforce the snogging, correct?" There were a few nods as the group began to recover from the shock of Peter being assertive. "Well, Lily?"

A devious grin spread across Lily's face. "Oh don't worry. There _will_ be consequences."

"Oughtn't we to warn people?" asked Remus worriedly.

"No!" snapped Lily.

"What else do we have to talk about, Lily?" asked Peter, trying to change the topic.

"...Nothing," she admitted.

"So can we go?" asked Sirius excitedly.

"No!" snapped Lily, "I'm sure there's something else!"

"Like what?" asked James.

"Maybe Remus wants to say something?" said Lily desperately.

"Nope," said Remus.

"Why do you care so much?" asked Alice.

"Because this meeting is so informal!"

"But it got the job done," pointed out Dorcas.

"Oh!" said Lily suddenly. "I know! Who's going to talk to McGonagall or whomever about the announcement?"

"You," said everyone together after a beat.

"James, you're a Head too!" Lily said with a frown.

"I'm _way_ 'ahead' of you, love," James replied, cocking and firing an imaginary pistol at her. Lily rolled her eyes.

"I'm 'ahead' too!" said Peter. It was only the second time that year he had cottoned on to a joke right away. He was going to milk it for all it was worth. "You know, I think I'm also a body as well as a head, though."

"And a soul, too!" said Sirius. Everyone stared. They were sure there was a reason he was acknowledging Peter's lame jokes with a lame addition of his own. Surely, they thought, there must be a reason. But one by one they came to the conclusion that _no_, there actually _wasn't _one.

"Okay, I'll do it," said Lily, to break the silence.

"Good," said Remus.

"So, who agrees that spoons are the best for catapulting bunnies?" asked Sirius.

Lily groaned. "I thought we were done with that?"

"No," said James.

Then they all skipped to the next point in the story.

"Why are we skipping?" asked Sirius as they frolickingly made their way down the hall.

"It's rather tiring," Peter pointed out.

"James, why aren't you skipping?" Lily asked as she bounced up and down.

"I, erm, never learned how," James said, trotting to keep up. (Actually, it was more of a lope).

"Oh look, here we are at the Secret Snog," said Peter. Sure enough, they could see great thongs – I mean throngs – milling about the Great Hall. Through the open door, they could just make out the mistletoe that had been placed in the center of the room – except for James, who needed new glasses at the moment. However, he could tell that the couple under the mistletoe was preempting the snog.

"Cut it out, you two!" James yelled as he entered, the others in tow. "No snogging until the...er, snogging, starts!"

"I believe it's already started," retorted one of the culprits, as he removed his lips from those of...Kaila Lewis! Remus, once he saw the face of the girl he fancied, felt his fists clench.

Dorcas, seeing the tension build in Remus' neck as James discussed things with the snogger, put a hand on Remus' arm, and said, "She's not worth getting in trouble over."

"Come on mate, tango with me!" cried Sirius, grabbing Remus and forcing him to do something that might've looked vaguely like a tango through the eyes of Sirius.

"Let me go, you idiot!" said Remus, finally releasing himself from Sirius' grip, "I don't want to do this dumb snog thing anymore!" He walked out of the hall. Meanwhile, James had reached an agreement with the snoggers, involving not getting kicked out of the Secret Snog.

"But then who will I tango with?" Sirius shouted at Remus' back.

"You're not exactly making things better," said Lily.

"Oh dear," said Alice, looking perturbed.

"What?" asked Lily.

"He was ostensibly organizing the snog with you, Lily, wasn't he?"

"Meaning...?" asked James obtusely.

"I'd better go after him," said Dorcas out of the blue. She had been staring intently in the direction Remus had gone, and paying little attention to Lily and Alice. She started to leave, but James held her back.

"Let him go," said James. "He'll come to you eventually."

Dorcas gave him a queer look, which quickly turned to a glare. "You're assuming a lot with that statement," she snarled. "Let me go."

"No."

"Has anyone else noticed that we're standing in the middle of the room and everyone is staring at us?" Peter mused. Dorcas stopped trying to pull away from James.

"Well, I guess you're right then," she said to James. "You can let me go now. I certainly don't care for Remus more than the average person, so I have no need to run after him." James let her go. Dorcas stayed in place, trying unsuccessfully to smile at the crowd.

"Do you realize that if you took how much each person in the world cared about Remus, the average would be caring very little, since most people don't know Remus?" Lily said intelligently. Something soft landed on her head. "Who threw this...bra?" Lily demanded, starting out menacing, but becoming confused as she removed a bra from her head. "I hope the thrower of this bra realizes that I'm Head Girl!" she shouted, recovering her menace and waving the bra around angrily. Someone in the back dared to wolf whistle. Lily's face was turning red with anger.

"It's time to start the snog!" James saved quickly, brandishing the two hats. A cheer went up.

"James..." said Lily through clenched teeth.

James shrugged. "Too late now." The cheering died down, and James looked at his list of names. "Aanderson, Aabetty," he yelled. A tall girl made her way through the crowds unsmilingly. "Why does your name have superfluous A's in it?" James queried, taking the opportunity to ask something that had been bothering him for years.

"Just does," the girl said in a monotone without blinking.

"Righto," said James, "Well, draw from this hat. And _don't _read the name you draw out loud." Aabetty drew a name, read it expressionlessly, then walked back to the back of the crowd. James read the name on the list, "Aardvarkherd, Melinda. Why are there multiple names starting with two A's?" he cried exasperatedly. Melinda got her name, responding with more expression than Aabetty had.

Fortunately, There were no more name the started with double A's. James made his way through the single A's, and a few B's until he got to, "Black, Padfoot!" Sirius, being right next to James, reached to grab a name.

"Wait," yelled Regulus, "Aren't I alphabetically before my brother?"

"Padfoot clearly comes before Regulus," said James.

"But that's not his real name!" pointed out one of Regulus' friends, Horatio Zabini. James and Sirius both ignored him, and Sirius drew his name.

"Yes!" he shouted, before actually looking at the name.

"You haven't looked at the name yet," said Lily dryly.

"I'm keeping it a secret," Sirius said aloofly.

"From yourself?" Lily asked skeptically.

"Yes. Until later."

Lily had an excellent jeer prepared for Sirius, but the crowd was getting restless. "Call another name!" yelled a girl from the back.

"Of course, love!" said James with a wink at the girl (whom he actually couldn't see, thanks to her being in the back and his glasses being old). "Chandler, Ian!"

"Excuse me!" yelled Regulus in his distinct, whiny voice.

"_Yes?_" said James with an exasperated sigh.

"Black, Regulus comes before Chandler, Ian!"

"...only if you're using the English alphabet," James hedged shiftily.

"Then what alphabet are we using?" Regulus said, crossing his arms over his chest smugly.

"...the English one," James confessed.

"Just let him draw," Lily whispered in James' ear.

"Heehee, your breath tickles," giggled James distractedly.

"Black, Regulus!" Lily yelled suddenly as she stepped away from James.

"That's my job!" cried James indignantly.

"Thank you," said Regulus as he strode to the center of the room, his puffed-out chest preceding him.

"Alice make sure Sirius doesn't do anything to Regulus," Lily instructed the person standing closest to Sirius, noticing he was looking more murderous than usual. Not that Sirius normally looked particularly murderous. Alice nodded in reply. Regulus drew a name, sneered at the Marauders currently there, then returned to his friends before opening it.

"Chand-" James started to yell again.

"I'm already here," interrupted Ian Chandler annoyedly, and drew his name.

Next came: "Chlamydia, George. Isn't that a sexually transmitted disease?" asked James.

"You mean 'George'?" asked Peter. Alice gave him a withering look, but he did not actually wither this time.

"Shut up," said George once he reached James, and snatched a name out of the orange hat.

"That's the wrong hat," pointed out James.

"How's a person supposed to bloody tell?" asked George as he reached instead into the green hat. Lily gasped as he finished his sentence.

"Calm down, Lily," said James. "People say 'bloody' on a regular basis, so --"

"I don't care bloody all about that," scoffed Lily. "But this boy – this heinous crime against humanity – _split an infinitive!_"

"I know to never split an infinitive!" said George indignantly.

"You just did!"

"I _had _to bloody split it that time!"

"What's a 'spit infitive'?" Peter whispered to James as Lily and George continued arguing.

"Hell if I know," replied James. Taking matters into his own hands, he bellowed, "Lupin, Remus!"

"He's not here, and besides, you skipped a bunch of names," Alice pointed out. (She was, after all, the only one who both had enough wit to point these things out, and wasn't arguing with boys whose surnames were sexually transmitted diseases.)

"Do the names in order, you prat!" yelled Remus from the back.

"Who was that?" asked Sirus dumbly.

"Remus, you're here!" shouted Dorcas elatedly.

"Well, I messed that up," muttered Remus to himself, "No, it's just someone who sounds a lot like me!" he shouted in an attempt to fix his mistake. "Messed that one up too," he muttered.

"Come up and draw anyway!" yelled James, not falling for Remus' poorly-executed trick.

"Fine," sighed Remus, and made his way towards his friends. He grabbed a name from the hat (it was the right one this time) and attempted to exit the hall.

"Wait, who'd ya get?" asked Sirius.

"I'll tell you later," Remus called back over his shoulder as he left once more.

"Prat," muttered Sirius. "And speaking of prats, call the next name, Pornogs!"

James looked at him oddly. "Did you just use a strange combination of my nickname and an abbreviation for pornography?"

Sirius started snickering. "Yes."

"Righto. Well then, Churchill, Winston?" read James, puzzled.

"That really wasn't funny," pointed out Alice.

"Yeah, read the real list," said Lily.

"That's really what it says!" said James. Sirius started whistling nonchalantly.

"Wow, you really hit rock bottom with this prank, mate," James told Sirius.

"Hmph," said Sirius.

"Righto. Well then, Evans, Lily!" James shouted.

"I'm right here, you don't have to shout," she replied, ceasing her argument with the STD boy for a minute. "What do you want?"

"It's your turn to draw a name."

"No it isn't!" came a squeaky voice from the back. "I'm Winston Churchill!"

"And I'm Adolf Hitler," said James with a roll of his eyes. "Moving on, then."

"But wait! I really am! It says so on my birth certificate!" yelled the tiny blond boy as he pushed his way to the front, displaying surprising strength for his size. "See?" he said when he had finally reached James. The boy was holding a birth certificate that did, indeed, read "Winston Eugenia Churchill."

"Eugenia's your middle name?" Sirius asked quizically. The boy blushed and swiftly tucked the piece of paper behind his back.

"Well, I _am_ Winston Churchill, though!" said the boy.

"Are you even old enough to do the snog?" Lily asked suddenly. "Let me see that birth certificate again," she said, snatching behind the boy's back for it in a way that looked awfully unsavoury. After a bit of scuffling, Lily succeeded in getting the piece of parchment out of his hands. She was aided by being significantly taller than the boy.

"This isn't a real birth certificate!" Lily exclaimed loudly.

"Erm, yes it is?" the boy who may or may not have been Winston Churchill suggested shiftily.

"Next!" cried Lily. The boy began to protest, but Lily put a Silencing Charm on him.

"Um, that would be you, love," James told Lily.

"Oh," said Lily. "Erm, are you sure it's my turn?" she asked desperately. "And don't call me 'love,'" she finished off-handedly.

"There's no getting out of it now, love," Sirius said with an evil grin.

"What did I just say?" asked Lily, trying to stay calm.

"You told James not to call you 'love'," replied Sirius, grinning.

"...darn you. Okay, from now on, _no-one _should call me 'love.' Is that clear?"

"Only if you draw a name already, the crowd's getting annoyed," said Alice.

"What's taking so long!" someone yelled, right on cue.

"See?" said Alice, gesturing.

"Fine, I'm doing it!" snapped Lily, reaching it to the hat. She paused, turning to James. "Are you really sure it's not rigged?" James gave her a pointed look. "Just checking!" she said, and finally drew a name. She stuck it into her pocket, not bothering to read it.

"Are you keeping it a secret from yourself, like me?" asked Sirius excitedly.

"No! I just want to get on with this. Why would I want to do _anything_ like you?"

"I would explain, but I thought you just wanted to get on with this," said Sirius, trying to hide a smile. Lily glared, and James called the next name. The next few people drew uneventfully, because they were minor characters with no humourous traits. "Longbottom, Alice!" James called eventually, speaking far too loudly considering she was standing right next to him.

"I have a maiden name, you know!"

"Of course you do. You're not married," said James blankly.

"Then why are you calling me by that bloke Frank's surname?"

"...I don't know."

"Use my maiden name, you prat!"

"...I don't know it."

"It's --" began Alice angrily, but Sirius cut her off.

"Here's the hat!" he said unnecessarily, taking the hat from James and waving it in front of Alice's face.

"That's the wrong hat," said Alice, a little flustered and distracted. "But as I was saying, James, my maiden name is --"

Sirius interrupted again. "Draw a name! Draw a name! You know you want to draw a name!"

Alice did so with clenched teeth. She looked at the slip of parchment, obviously struggling to keep a poker face.

"Longbottom, Frank!" called James. Frank shuffled self-consciously to the front and drew a name, but Lily was the only one to notice his fleeting glance towards Alice as he read the name.

Dorcas, who had been glancing over James' shoulder to see the list, was excitedly chanting to herself, "I'm next, I'm next, I'm next!"

"Meadows, Dorcas!"

"I'm right here!" Dorcas squealed. She reached into the appropriate hat with eyes closed, and, still not daring to look, withdrew a name. Finally, hiding the parchment from others with her hand, she looked. Her eyes grew wide.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: IMPORTANT: If you read Chapter 12 and it confused you, that's probably because we left out a part of it by accident. The problem is fixed now, so if you want, you can go back and read the tiny little bit that we added at the beginning of Chapter 12. Here's Chapter 13, in which almost all of the evil cliffies are resolved, and new cliffies are created in the process:**

"_Chlamydia-boy!_" screeched Dorcas.

"_What!_" yelled Chlamydia-boy.

"Shhh! You're not supposed to announce who you got!" said James.

"But bloody hell, I got _Chlamydia-boy!_"

"James, when did we say you're not supposed to announce who you got?" Peter asked.

"We said it! Once...quietly...at the beginning..." James explained.

Meanwhile, Dorcas was busy looking ready to explode, and Chlamydia-boy was yelling, "It's not like I want to snog you either, Bushy-Brows!"

Dorcas gasped, and her fingers flew to her eyebrows in a vain attempt to smooth them down.

"What house is he in?" Lily asked Sirius.

"Hufflepuff."

"I thought Hufflepuffs were supposed to be nice?" Lily asked.

"Well, she really _ought _to tweeze her eyebrows."

"I'll pass that along," Lily said in a monotone.

Dorcas was looking murderous. "I'll get you for that, you-- you-- boy with a stupid surname!"

The boy rolled his eyes. "Please. We've been over this. Yes, my surname is a sexually transmitted disease. Couldn't you come up with anything better?"

"Yeah, well I hope you get chlamydia, and that your -- that certain parts of your anatomy fall off!"

"What if I already have chlamydia, and you're going to catch it when you snog me?" the boy said smugly.

Dorcas turned to Lily. "Lily, what exactly happens to me if I don't snog him?"

"...coincidentally, you'll be afflicted by very chlamydia-like symptoms for the rest of the school year."

Dorcas paused for a beat. "You're joking."

"Well, no."

"What _are _the symptoms of chlamydia, Lily?" asked Peter.

"Why do you want to know, eh?" asked Sirius in what he thought was a suggestive manner.

"Curiousity," replied Peter.

"I don't actually know," whispered Lily. Unfortunately, she failed her whisper check.

"Then you _are _joking," said Dorcas, confused.

"I'm not joking, I just picked a spell that said it replicated the effects of chlamydia," explained Lily.

"Without checking what they are!" said Remus, who had apparently heard this failed-whispering conversation.

"It would appear so," replied Lily sarcastically.

"So they could be anything?" asked Peter.

"Well, all the more reason for people to carry through, right?" said Lily, sounding fakely chipper.

"Wait, why are we not rioting yet?" asked a crowd member.

"Yeah, that's pretty inconsistent!" said another.

"James, why haven't you been calling names?" demanded Lily.

"Oh, I was just busy staring at you," he explained.

"That's oddly convenient, seeing as we were having a vaguely important converstaion."

"True. Um, Millington, Julia," James called. The second sentence, at least. He said the first one in a normal tone of voice. The crowd decided not to riot. Because they all shared one brain now, like a colony of ants. Miraculously, the next fbunch of names passed without incident. Until...

"Oliver, Alexander! Wait, no, Alexander, Oliver! I mean...shouldn't you be with the A's?" A large seventh year had been making his way to the front, and now stood towering over James. "Er, hello?" squeaked James, obviously intimidated.

"My given name is Alexander, and my surname is Oliver," said Alexander in a deep rumble as he cracked his knuckes. "Do you have a problem with that?"

"No?" suggested James.

"Good. Where are the hats?"

"Here they are!" James replied swiftly, holding them up above his head and level with Alexander's eyes.

"Which. One."

"Th-th-the um...this one!" said James finally, waving the appropriate hat around and lowering the other one. Alexander snatched a name, glanced at it, and glared at James over his shoulder as he walked away.

"Don't let him kill me!" James said in a squeaky whisper to Sirius.

"Huh?" asked Sirius, not paying attention.

"Never mind," sighed James, then read, "O'Valensky, Tabitha.

"Why does your name have a clearly Irish prefix combined with a Russain suffix?" Lily asked the smiling girl as she approached.

"It got messed up on Ellis Island" she replied.

"Oh," said Lily. Tabitha had nearly made her way back to her friends when Lily thought of something. "Wait, we're British!" she nearly yelled. Tabitha didn't reply.

"Hmph," said Lily, annoyed she would now never know the mystery of the name. DUN DUN DUN.

"Pettigrew, Peter," said James.

"It's my turn!" Peter squealed unnecessarily. He drew a name from the appropriate hat, read it, and his excited face promptly became ashen. "This isn't good," he said to no one in particular.

"Keep it to yourself, eh?" said Sirius. "James, do the next name!"

"Potter, James," called James. No-one came up. "Potter, James," he tried louder.

"That's you, Prongs," pointed out Peter.

"I knew that," James said quickly, "It was a joke, of course."

"Then draw an name," said Alice.

"I can't, I'm holding both hats."

"How are you holding both hats and the list of names, anyway?" asked Dorcas.

"...I don't know," replied James, creeped out.

"I'll hold the hats," said Lily, snatching them from James. James drew a name and read it. His face fell.

"Yes!" cried Lily upon seeing James' face. Sirius started sniggering.

"Oh shut up," James told Sirius tersely. "Let's just get on with this. And you know what? _This_ time, no matter _how_ funny someone's name is, we're not going to stop to make fun of it until we're entirely done with the Snog. _Got it?_" he said firmly. His friends nodded. Peter gulped nervously. James looked at his list. "Potty, P.P." His mouth worked furiously in an attempt not to smirk. Finally, his morose side won out. He glared at Sirius, who was also fighting like mad not to burst into hysterics. "Sirius, is this a joke?"

Sirius could contain himself no longer. "Hahaha! Yes. Heehee."

"You have very poor taste," said James snootily, and returned to his list. "Quirrel, Professor?" he read in confusion. "_Sirius!_"

"Yes?" said Sirius through laughter.

"I want to see no more references to people who won't be important for at least another decade!"

"Yes, sir!" replied Sirius smartly. The effect was somewhat lessened by the giant idiotic grin that was plastered across his face.

More uneventful names, all that jazz.

"Snape, Sniv- I mean Snape, Sn-," tried James, "Oh, you do it, Lily."

"Snape, Severus," she called. Snape stormed up to the stage. Sirius started giggling.

"Why are you doing the snog, anyway, Snivellus?" asked Sirius, remarkably polite, but still giggling.

"Slughorn made me," he muttered darkly. (AH-HA-HA 'darkly'! I'm so punny!) Sirius started laughing louder.

"Well, draw a name then," said Lily calmly, holding out the correct hat. Snape snatched a name, then turned quickly, making his cloak billow.

"Why is he wearing a cloak indoors?" asked Alice.

"Good question," replied Lily, "Can you go back to calling names now, James?" she asked with mock concern.

"Yes." Somehow they finally finished without making fun of anyone else, though there were some close calls, such as "Yodeller, Steven."

"Okay, that's the list!" James said. "Now everyone remember, you have to snog the person --" Everyone was leaving already. "Hey, listen!" cried James. He cast a quick _Sonorus_, which he hadn't done yet for an undisclosed reason. "YOU HAVE TO SNOG THE PERSON WHOSE NAME YOU DREW WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK, OR BE AFFLICTED BY, ER, CHLAMYDIA!" he boomed. Silence descended as he talked, but just as quickly everyone ignored him and returned to their chatter. He undid the spell. "That was a bit too loud, wasn't it?" he commented to his friends.

"Yes," replied Lily. No one else seemed to care.

"Well, well, who'd you draw then?" James asked Lily in a falsely casual tone.

"I'm going to look at it later," Lily replied primly.

"I guess I'll find out soon enough if I'm the lucky bloke you get to snog," James said with a wink. Lily looked as though she were contemplating slapping him, but settled for storming away.

Sirius had taken the name he drew out of his pocket, and was staring at it glumly. James, Peter, Alice, and Dorcas gathered around.

"Who'd you get?" asked Peter.

"Narcisssa Black."

"Your cousin?" James asked. Sirius nodded. "Erm, maybe we ought to just call the whole thing off..."

"No, it's okay," said Sirius in a voice that meant it was anything _but_ okay. "My family marries cousins all the time. One little snog isn't going to hurt."

"Erm, so..." began Alice. "Peter, who'd you get?"

"You know that girl Remus likes?" Peter answered indirectly.

"Kaila Lewis?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah. Her. I got her."

"Oh. Um, I'm sure Remus isn't a _very_ violent person? At least when he's...well...a person?" Dorcas said unhelpfully.

"I'd forgotten that you girls know about...that," said James.

"Yeah, well, I'm not sure it ever really came up," said Alice, staring at the ground and shuffling her feet.

"Remus _did_ imply that you..." began James, but trailed off.

"So," said Sirius in what he hoped was a jolly voice, "Dorcas, we know you got Chlamydia-boy. Alice, who'd you get?"

"Oh, nobody," Alice said evasively.

"Tell us," said Sirius threatiningly.

"Heheh, oh, well, it's really nothing. Nobody I care about, or who I'd want to steal from one of my friends. I just got Remus, that's all," she said with a nervous titter. Everyone looked at Dorcas.

"What?" she said, "I didn't want to get Remus or anything. Not at all! Well, maybe I would've preffered a friend to Chylamydia-boy, but... I'm not very convincing, am I?"

"Nope," said Sirius.

"Don't worry, we won't tell Remus," comforted Peter.

"Normally, we would, of course," explained James, "We just find it highly amusing that Remus hasn't figured it out yet, seeing as you're being very obvious." Dorcas scowled.

"Who did you get, James," asked Alice, noticing he hadn't said.

"Not Lily," he said, suddenly switching into glum mode.

"Yes, we know who it_ isn't_," Alice said impatiently, "But who _is _it?

"Carina Richards," said James glumly, "she's the Hufflepuff seeker."

"The one with the purple hair?" asked Peter. James nodded.

"Purple hair? I thought Hufflepuffs were supposed to be normal?" Dorcas asked, oddly echoing Lily's earlier statement.

"Yeah, I know. Hufflepuffs never_ do_ anything," said Alice. "They're not supposed to have personalities, and now we have that jerk Chlamydia-boy, _and_ that weirdo Carina."

"It's creeping me out," said Sirius with a shudder. "Before we know it, the Hufflepuffs will all be acting like either Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, or Slytherins! The whole concept, nay, the whole _essence_ of what it means to be a Hufflepuff will be eroded, degraded! And then, what will the rest of us poor houses do? Oh Merlin, what is the world coming to!" The group stared at Sirius. "...that was a bit melodramatic, wasn't it?" he said sheepishly.

"Yes, yes it was," replied Alice. "So, should we go back to the common room and see if Remus and Lily are there?"

"Lily?" James repeated what was, in his opinion, the only important thing Alice had said. "Okay!"

Once back at the common room, they quickly spotted Remus reading by the fire.

"Oi, Moony!" Sirius said. "Who'd'ya get?"

"Not who I wanted," Remus said, not even glancing up from his book.

"Bloody Ravenclaws. Stupid Kaila," Dorcas muttered to herself under her breath.

"No really, who?" asked Sirius.

"Some girl I don't know."

"Oh. Well, that's boring. Liiilyyyyy!" Sirius exclaimed as Lily came into view, descending from the girls' dorm. She took one look at Sirius and started right back up the stairs. "Oh no you don't!" said Sirius. "James is just dying to know who you drew!"

"_Whom_ you drew," corrected Remus automatically.

"Right, Remus," Sirius said off-handedly. Lily continued to ignore him, and slammed the door to the girls' dorm behind her.

"This is a crazy suggestion, but, well, why would she be reluctant to tell us unless it was a certain person?" said Alice.

"You mean James?" asked Peter.

"Nah, that's crazy talk," said Sirius.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," agreed Alice, "she's just a private person, I guess."

"So, which one of you ladies want to drag Lily down here by force for me?" asked James

"I'm not going to be a part of this," announced Remus quietly, and went to the boys' dorm.

Alice and Dorcas both rolled their eyes at James, then went to go check on Lily in their dorm.

"Lily?" asked Alice, noticing Lily had closed the curtains around her bed.

"Hmm?" replied Lily.

"Is anything wrong?"

"No. Well, Yes, actually..." Lily said, trailing off.

"What is it?" asked Dorcas, getting impatient.

"Oh, just who I drew for the snog," Lily said, opening her bed curtains and motioning for them to sit on her bed.

"It's not James, is it?" asked Alice, grinning.

"Ha ha ha ha ha," Lily fake-laughed, "ha ha ha... yes."

"Maybe we should call the whole thing off," suggested Alice gently. Lily snorted. "No really! We might be able to convince the boys, because Sirius got Narcissa."

"Yeah, right. I'm sure James will be just thrilled to call it off."

"He doesn't know that you got him yet!" Dorcas supplied helpfully.

"It'll never work," groaned Lily.

"I'm going to go try to talk to the boys!" Dorcas said heroically.

"No! Don't!" said Lily. "Let me wallow in my misery!"

"I don't want to snog Chlamydia-boy anyway. I'm going." Dorcas turned her back, and was promptly hit by a spell.

"_Petrificus Totalus!_" cried Lily.

"Do you really think that was necessary?" Alice asked, staring at Dorcas' stiff body lying on the floor.

"Yes."

"A person would almost think you _want_ to snog James."

Lily made a noise of rage. Alice knew she had gone too far, and there was no taking it back. "Get. Out," said Lily.

"Okay, okay, going, going!" said Alice.

She turned her back just in time to hear Lily yell "_Furnunculus!_" She turned back around.

"Er, Lily? Why are you trying to give the far wall boils?"

"It was a warning to you, obviously!" snapped Lily.

"Oh, it was kind of hard to tell," pointed out Alice.

"Leave!"

"Going, going!" said Alice as she left. She entered the common room to see X (if we presume that X Marauders - Remus) looking at her expectantly.

"Well, who did Lily get?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah, that!" said James.

"And what was that yelling about?" asked Peter.

"Well, the person she got is in this room..." said Alice, trying to delay them.

"It's Sirius, isn't it!" James cried, "I'll kill him!"

"I'm right here, you know," pointed out Sirus.

"It's not Sirius," clarified Alice.

"Is it that kid over there?" Peter asked, pointing to a random person.

"No. I'll give you a hint: He wears glasses."

"Oh! Dumbledore!" exclaimed Sirius. "But I thought we weren't including the professors?"

"Is Dumbledore technically a professor?" wondered Peter. "I mean, does being Headmaster count?"

"Dumbledore isn't even in this room!" pointed out Alice exasperatedly.

"So?" said X simultaneously.

"I said he's in this room!"

"Wait!" said James suddenly. "I'm in this room...and I wear glasses...is it...me?"

"Dingdingding! Correct answer!" said Alice like a gameshow host.

"Yay!" said James, jumping up and down. "What do I win? What do I win?"

"A snog from Lily?" Alice said, shooting the forgetful boy an odd look.

"A snog from Lily!" said X all together. "Yaaaay!"

No one noticed that Lily had again started down the stairs, but had retreated when she saw the nonsense afoot.

"Hey, speaking of Lily, where's Dorcas?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"Don't you mean 'Where's Lily?'" James asked.

"No."

"Lily petrified her," explained Alice nonchalantly.

"Why?" asked James.

"She was going to try and get you all to call off the snog."

"Oh," said James.

"Wait, wouldn't Lily _want_ it called off if she got James?" asked Peter. Sirius sighed.

"Don't you remember? We already established that Lily really does like James. Back in Chapter 10 -- I mean, when we played Truth or Dare," explained Sirius.

"Oooh, that's right. But shouldn't she still want it called off because she doesn't wwant to admit she likes James yet?" asked Peter.

"Stop looking too far into this!" snapped James, "the point is, there's no way we're going to call it off now that I know Lily drew my name."

"That's why the plan was to get you to call it off before revealing that piece of information," said Alice.

"You could always put a memory charm on us," suggested Peter. Y (if we presume Y X - Peter) glared at him.

Z (if we presume Z Y - James...okay, so that would just be Sirius.) _Sirius_ voiced his opinion, saying sarcastically, "Thanks a lot, Wormtail."

Dorcas sighed. "I wish Remus were here." The group stared at her, and eventually she noticed. "No! I didn't mean because I fancy him or anything, but only that he'd know what to do."

James frowned. "You make it sound like he's in charge of the Marauders. I'll have you know, _I'm _in charge, and I say we just wait for Lily to come around. Surely she can't think that snogging me is worse than having chlamydia."

Dorcas and Alice exchanged a look. Sirius and Peter exchanged a look. James and his optimism exchanged a look. "Okay, well, maybe not," admitted James.

"Don't worry. She likes you," said Sirius with false cheer and a friendly slap on James' back.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see," said Peter.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: _Finally!_ ff dot net has been being bad...I've been trying to post this chapter for the past week, and it _just_ wouldn't _cooperate._ So here it is, finally. In just a sec, I'm going to post a oneshot to make up for it...The next chapter of this fic (Chapter 15) will most likely be entirely from Peter's POV, because we're trying to make up for keeping forgetting that he exists. If you don't like him, I guess you could skip it... **

**Disclaimer: Still not ours, because if it was, why would we need to put a disclaimer?**

It was Sunday morning, and James was sitting on his bed, pondering life. Or maybe it was just the Secret Snog. Whichever.

"Whatcha doing, mate?" asked Sirius while changing his socks.

"Pondering life. Why are you changing just your socks?"

"One had a hole in it," said Sirius.

"Oh. What am I going to do about this?" asked James despairingly.

"Buy me new socks?" suggested Sirius.

"I mean about the Snog," said James, gritting his teeth.

"Snog Calina, wait for Lily to snog you. It's not that hard."

"Her name's Carina," James corrected, then started to whine, "But I don't wanna snog her, Padfoot." He was so deep in the throes of angst that he didn't even hear Sirius say the word "Lily," which was a first.

"Tough luck," said Remus as he entered. James glared at him.

"Why don't you get it over with and snog Catina-"

"It's CaRina," interrupted James.

"Why do you care anyway? As I was saying, just snog her now."

"I don't know where to find her," said James, not able to think of a better excuse.

"Her Quidditch practice will be just ending," said Remus.

"...How do you know this?" asked James, creeped out (again).

"Because you wanted this time slot for the Gryffindor team, and you ranted for three days about how you couldn't get it," said Remus.

"Oh, that," said James, recalling, "I'm supposed to remember these things?"

"Come on," said Sirius, attempting to pull James to his feet. "You're heavy," he whined, ceasing tugging on James' hand.

"I think my shoulder's dislocated now, thank-you-Sirius," James commented.

"Well, you don't really need your shoulder for snogging anyway," Sirius pointed out. "Let's go."

"You can't make me."

"_Petrificus Totalus. Mobilicorpus._" Remus cast in quick succession.

"Why'd you do that?" Sirius asked. "How's James going to snog Camina if he's unconscious?"

Remus started down the stairs, James' body in tow. He shrugged. "We'll wake him up when he gets there."

They woke him up when they got there. "Ugh," said James. "I hate you guys."

"We know," said Sirius jovially.

"Where's the girl I have to snog?"

"She's headed to the locker room. She's not that easy to miss; she has purple hair. Intercept her!" Sirius said, giving James a shove in the right direction.

James stumbled forward. Screwing up his courage, he yelled "Hey Cabina!" then muttered, "Damn Sirius, infecting me with his name-bollocksing cooties. I mean, hey Carina!" he tried again.

"Yeah?" the girl said, but kept walking.

"I need to talk to you!" A few catcalls went up from the Hufflepuff team. Carina began wordlessly heading his direction.

"Oi, it's supposed to be a _Secret_ Snog!" someone heckled.

"Goddamn uppity Hufflepuffs..." James said moodily under his breath.

"I can hear you, you know," said Carina, who was now only three feet away.

"Heh heh, I didn't mean _you_ of course," said James evasively.

"Cut to the chase. I'm guessing you drew my name in the Snog. The entire school knows you have a crush on Dandelion Evans, or whatever her name is, so let's make this as quick as possible. I don't exactly want to snog you either."

"It's Lily," responded James automatically. Carina gave him a pointed look. "Okay, er, is here good?"

"Sure," she said.

"Right then," said James.

"I think you have to be a bit closer to me for this to work," said Carina dryly.

"Right then," repeated James, slowly stepping towards her.

"You have five seconds to kiss me, Potter."

"But if we don't we'll get chlamydia!" whined James.

"Then snog me," said Carina, rolling her eyes.

"...I don't think my body will let me," disclosed James, "I can't seem to move towards you." Carina just gave him a funny look. "Oh, wait, my body's working now." James took a deep breath, and quickly kissed Carina.

"Did that actually qualify as a snog?" she asked, half a second later.

"Well, no, but we didn't make any rules about it. Bye now!" James literally ran away.

Remus turned to Sirius. "Did he say we didn't make any rules about it?"

"I think so, but it's hard to hear from here."

"Sirius, why didn't we make any rules about what qualifies as a snog?"

"Um, because?"

"So basically, the way Lily set it up, any old peck on the lips will do?" Remus asked.

"Yes."

"I'll bet she did that on purpose, in case she got James," Remus muttered.

"Yep. Don't worry though. We'll just make sure no one else finds out that anything counts as a snog. Want to go back to the Common Room?"

"Sure."

THERE ARE NO ESCAPES...I MEAN, TRANSITION SCENES, AT STALAG 13! (A/N: Please tell me someone catches the reference.)

Back in the common room, Sirius plonked himself down on a couch by Lily, who was doing her homework, and said, "Hi, Lily!" much too loudly, and much too cheerfully.

"What do you want?" sighed Lily.

"Are you going to snog James soon?"

"How...what...you know?" spluttered Lily.

"I do now," he replied, grinning.

"That was dumb," Lily muttered to herself.

"Oh, don't beat yourself up. Beat Alice up instead, she actually told us," said Sirius, then got up, to avoid dealing with the angered Lily.

"Sirius, what did you just say to Lily?" asked Remus as Sirius reached his corner of the common room.

"Oh, I just told her that Alice told us the Lily told her that she got James in the snog," said Sirius.

"You added an unnecessary step in there, you know," pointed out Remus.

"And don't you love me for it!"

"...Never say that again. Ever," instructed Remus.

"Righto," said Sirius.

"Sirius..." began Remus.

"Yes?"

"...you know what, I'm not even going to bother lecturing you about telling Lily that Alice told us that Lily told her that she got James in the snog. I'm just going to pretend that you never told me that you told Lily that Alice told us that Lily told her that she got James in the snog. I think it's easier that way."

"Need some refreshment?" Sirius asked helpfully, noticing that Remus looked a little winded after his long sentences. He produced a Butterbeer from his school bag, popped the cap with his wand -- not by using magic, you understand, but by using his wand as a lever and nearly breaking it in the process -- and handed the bottle to Remus.

Remus took the bottle gratefully and took a deep swig. "Thanks."

"No trouble."

"...wait, you carry around Butterbeer in your bag?"

"In case of emergencies, love," Sirius said with a wink.

"...Never wink at me again. Ever."

"Okay, love."

"_Or_ call me 'love.'"

"Okay, dearest."

"You infuriate me."

"And don't you love me for it!"

"_What_ did I say about saying that?"

"You mean about saying that...that I told Lily that Alice told us that--"

"Shut up."

"Drink up. You're not quite as tetchy when you're drunk."

Remus shot Sirius a frown, but did as told. "Why do I have a feeling I'm going to regret drinking come first period tomorrow morning? And why am I drinking alone?"

"You're not alone, I'm here! And don't you love m--"

"Go away."

"I thought you didn't want to drink alone?"

"...stay here."

"Okey dokey!" said Sirius.

"You know," said Remus, taking another swig, "Butterbeer is only 1.9 alcoholic, so portions of our conversations don't really make sense."

"Do you have a point?" asked Sirius.

"No, no, not really," sighed Remus. A girl walked up, and stood awkwardly in front of the two boys.

"May I help you?" asked Remus.

"Er, are you Sirius Black?" she asked nervously.

"That'd be me!" said Sirius happily.

"Oh, I didn't know who you were, and, er, my friend pointed, but I didn't know which one, and, er..." said the girl.

"I don't mean to be rude, but who are you?" asked Remus, using the ever-cliche polite phrase.

"I'm Madi Wallace, I got Sirius' name in the snog, see."

"Yeah!" cried Sirius enthusiastically. Remus gave him an odd look.

"You're in Gryffindor, then?" asked Remus.

"Yup!"

"What year?"

"Oh, fifth," she replied.

"...Then how on earth do we not know you?" asked Remus, perplexed.

"Invisibility Cloak?" suggested the girl.

"You have one too!" said Sirius excitedly. "So does my friend!"

"...I was speaking metaphorically."

"Oh. Well, on with the snogging then, eh?"

"Sure thing," agreed the girl. She began to close her eyes and lean towards Sirius, but suddenly paused and opened her eyes. "Erm, I suppose I should have asked this before I signed up in the first place, but what exactly qualifies as a snog?"

"Ohhhh," said Sirius suggestively, waggling his eyebrows. "That. Well as far as _that's_ concerned, I don't think it would be exactly --" he lowered his voice to a whisper for the next word "--_appropriate_ for us to do the required action out here in public." Remus gave Sirius a look, but his inner Marauder won out and he kept quiet.

The girl looked confused. "But my friend says you snogged her quite indecently right in the middle of the --"

"Yes," Sirius interrupted quickly, making a show of being embarrassed by staring into his lap and fidgeting with his hands. "But that was a long time ago," he said, looking up earnestly into the girl's eyes.

"Actually, I thought it was just last --"

"Yes, but I am a changed man now! O, dear Mary--"

"Madi."

"--dear Madi, if thou wilst only come to mine humble abode -- er, dorm, that is -- and allow that we consummate our undying love, I wilst be thine forever, until the Headmaster do shaveth off his beard!"

"It's just a snog, isn't it?" asked the rather disturbed girl.

Finally, Remus spoke up. "He's trying to get you into bed with him."

"Oh." The girl scowled. "Turd," she told Sirius.

"Fine, get chlamydia," said Sirius airily.

"I didn't say I wasn't going to snog you, I just said you were a turd," pointed out the girl.

"Weren't you shy at the beginning of this?" asked Remus.

"I think it's impossible to stay shy around..._him_," said the girl, not able to think of a word to describe Sirius.

"Well, I just bring out the best in people," said Sirius.

"I meant that you're just too infuriating," she explained.

"Oh," said Sirius, crestfallen.

"Really though, what qualifies as a snog?"

"The way the rules were made, a quick kiss will do," admitted Remus, his Remusocity winning out over his inner Marauder.

"Prat," grumbled Sirius.

"I can do that," she said, and gave Sirius a kiss that was only marginally longer than the one James gave Cavina. I mean Carina.

"You know, this whole snogging thing has been rather disappointing," said Sirius once the girl had left.

"Well, maybe there have been actual snogs, and we just haven't seen them," suggested Remus.

"Those don't count."

"Well, you're sure to make yours...oh, wait..." Remus trailed off.

"I just thought this would turn out to be more fun, you know?" said Sirius.

"Why don't we just call it off?" suggested Remus tenatively. Siriud lit up, and seemed like he was going to agree for a second.

"I can't do that to James," he sighed.

"Yeah...I guess," said Remus, "Sometimes, though, it feels like we..well, we do too much for the sake of James."

This converstaion had gotten all too serious for Sirius' taste. "Oh, shut up! "So, catapulting bunnies, eh?" he said awkwardly.

Remus gave him a _look_. Sirius sighed defeatedly. "Well, who did you get then?" he said in a transparent attempt to change the topic.

"I told you. Some girl I don't know."

"_Who_, though?"

"Susan Gal."

"Oh! Yeah, her. She's an excellent snogger. Be sure to have a lot of fun with her for me."

"I take it you dated her?"

"For approximately two days, thirteen hours, forty-seven minutes, and twenty one seconds."

"You made that up, didn't you?"

Sirius gave Remus a lopsided grin. "You know me too well. I did date her, though."

"And is she really an excellent snogger?"

Sirius chortled. "I guess you'll just have to find out, won't you?"

"That would involve snogging her," pointed out Remus.

"Don't you kind of have to?"

"Well, I was kind of planning on taking the James route," admitted Remus.

"Bloody hell!" cried Sirius, "I thought you were on my side!"

"I am, in theory, just...not in actual practice," Remus said lamely. Sirius.

"No one our group is going to snog properly!" he ranted, "James won't, you won't, I can't, really, Lily won't snog James, of course, but she likes James to much to properly snog whoever got her, and Dorcas likes you!"

"Wow, that was detail-- wait, what did you say about Dorcas?"

"Nothing?" said Sirius, though he knew it was irrevocable.

"Dorcas like me?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Yes, but I wasn't supposed to tell you."

"You mean you were actually planning on keeping a secret?" Remus asked, even more incredulously, if that was possible.

"Only because it was funny how you hadn't figured it out. She was very obvious, you know," said Sirius with a grin.

"I'm funny!" Remus scowled, "I guess this does explain a lot, though."

"I'll say," Sirius muttered.

Remus stood up from his chair quickly and began pacing in front of Sirius. "What should I do, Sirius?"

"I--"

"I mean, should I tell her that you told me that she likes me, or not?"

"I--"

"And if I do tell her, should I let her down gently about the fact that I don't like her back, or be blunt?"

"I--"

"Or should I pretend I like her so I won't hurt her feelings? Sirius, I'm not used to having girls like me!"

"Well if you'd just _let me get a word in_, I think I may be able to help in these matters, what with my considerable experience with the topic."

Remus sank back into his chair slowly and let out a sigh. "Okay. What, then?"

"I would try to get into her robes," Sirius explained bluntly, "figuratively speaking, of course. Use 'em and lose 'em, that's what I always say. Barring that, a good snog or two wouldn't be half bad -- and I mean real snogs, not like the ones people have been doing for the Secret Snog. And make sure you're seen with her constantly. There's nothing more attractive than a taken man, and Kaila will be driven to such jealousy that she'll simply throw herself at you. Got it?"

Remus looked a little stunned. "...Sirius, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Wait, did you just say I might get Kaila if I pretend to like Dorcas?"

"Yes, yes I did."

"In that case..." began Remus, "NO! I will not take your advice. I'm going to go talk to someone. Someone sensible. Like Lily. Or a random Ravenclaw. But not Kaila."

"Remus, you're rambling," said Sirius helpfully.

"Go talk Lily now," he continued to ramble, then got up to go talk to Lily.

"Hello Remus," said Lily distantly as Remus sat down next to her. She was still wrapped up in her homework.

"Is it true that Dorcas likes me?" he blurted out. That brought Lily out of her homework trance.

"_Who_ told you that?" she demanded.

"Um, Sirius did."

Lily looked murderous. "I'm going to kill him." She started to rise from her chair.

"Wait! Don't kill him! I mean, I'm sure I had it at least partially figured out before he told me, because she was being so obvious."

"You're making that up, aren't you."

"Well...yes."

"I thought so. So, I'm going to go kill Sirius now, okay?"

"Wait!" Remus cried again. "Why do you even care? _You're_ not the one who likes him...er, me."

Lily sat back down. "But Sirius betrayed my friend's trust!"

Remus looked skeptical. "Do you think anyone ever really puts their trust in Sirius?"

"I suppose not."

"So it's not his fault. People should just learn not to trust him."

"That's ridiculous!" Lily exploded. "That's like saying people should learn not to spend time around axe murders, just in case they get killed!"

A beat passed. "Why would you hang around an axe murder anyway?"

Another beat. "Okay, so that was a bad example. My point still stands."

"And just what was your point, again?"

"My point was...my point was...I guess I didn't have one," Lily finished. "And anyway, why are we sitting around having this stupid debate when you should be off telling Dorcas that you feel the same way she does."

Remus blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said; And anyway, why are we having this--"

"I heard what you said," interrupted Remus, "But why would I do that?"

"Because it's what you do," said Lily, her tone implying Remus was stupid.

"But I _don't _feel the same way about her," he pointed out.

"So?" she replied.

"I came to talk to you because you make sense! And now you're not!" cried Remus.

"I'm making perfect sense," she said defensively.

"No you aren't! I might as well go back to talking to Sirius, at least he's funny!"

"Have you been doing drugs, Remus?" asked Lily concernedly.

"Gaah! No one's making sense!" cried Remus, and began to run around in circles.

"Er, what's going on?" asked Alice as she entered the common room, staring at Remus.

"I think Remus had a nervous breakdown or something," said Lily.

"Why?"

"Heck if I know."

"Ahhh!" yelled Remus as he ran. "Lily, of course you know! You're the reason! Well, you and Sirius, but mostly you!"

"Lily!" said Alice in an appalled tone. "What did you _do_ to Remus?"

"I just suggested that he ought to tell Dorcas he cares for her romantically."

"Oh," replied Alice. "Well of course he should. Remus, tell Dorcas you fancy her," she instructed.

"No!" said Remus. "I don't fancy Dorcas! I don't give--" The portrait hole sung open again. "--a rat's arse about that witless, giggly, git of a girl!"

Dorcas stood frozen at the entrance to the Common Room. "Who are you talking about?" she asked quietly.

Remus stopped running. "Oh. Dorcas. Erm, hi. Come on in, take a seat, pull up a chair right here."

"Who's a witless, giggly girl?" Dorcas asked again.

"Witless, giggly _git of a _girl." Remus corrected, unable to stop the words as they tumbled out of his mouth.

"Who, Remus, _who?_"

"No one," lied Remus.

"He's talking about me," supplied Sirius as he came over to investigate the nonsense.

"You're not a girl," said Remus and Lily in unison.

"Oh," said Sirius, his face falling.

"Who were you talking about?" pestered Dorcas.

"Carina Richards," blurted out Remus, finally thinking of a response, "You don't know her."

"Well I know _of _her. She's the Hufflepuff Seeker with the purple hair. She doesn't seem like the 'witless, giggly' type," mused Dorcas.

"Well, that why it's so annoying, see," fabricated Remus, "She wouldn't seem the type to obsess over boys, but James got her in the snog, and he snogged her, and now she's all over him."

"Oh," said Dorcas, "What's James going to do about it?"

"Er, that's what we were disscussing," explained Remus.

"...without James?" asked Dorcas.

"He doesn't think we know," said Lily, saving Remus from inventing yet another lie.

"Oh, okay. I need to get something from my dorm."

After Dorcas left, Lily rounded on Remus. "Great! Now you haven't told her, and you have us trapped in tangled web of lies she's eventually going to figure out."

"Do you really think she has the brains to figure this out?" asked Remus jokingly.

"You're _mean_," said Alice.

"I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I don't have to be nice."

"Yes you do!" said Lily. "People have to take responsibility for their own actions. If you say that we shouldn't stick around when you have a nervous breakdown because we might get insulted, then that's like saying--"

"You're not about to use the axe murderer analogy again, are you?" Remus asked. Dorcas returned from upstairs as he spoke, heavier by one bookbag, and walked over to them.

"Yes," said Lily, crossing her arms over her chest huffily.

"She's been using the axe murderer analogy again?" Alice queried.

"I'm afraid so," replied Remus.

"Lily, Lily, Lily," Dorcas said, shaking her head sadly as she took the most convenient chair.

"Dorcas, Dorcas, Dorcas," Lily imitated her irritatedly. A second or two passed. "What, then?"

"Nothing. Your name's just fun to say."

"See what I mean?" Remus covered his mouth with his hand and whispered to Alice, who happened to be closest. "Witless." Alice glared at him.

"What are you two whispering about?" Dorcas demanded.

"They're whispering about me!" Sirius attempted to save the day again.

"Yes, that's exactly it!" Remus said. "Alice and I were whispering about Sirius!"

"Okay..." Dorcas said as though she didn't quite believe them, "Wait, how could Sirius tell what you were whispering about when he's all the way over here?"

"Lucky guess?" suggested Sirius.

"You guys are conspiring something," said Dorcas, matter of factly, "But I'll just wait until you reveal it to me."

"What says we're-- mrmph!" said Remus as Alice put her hand over his mouth, not allowing him to finish yet another mean statement.

"Bye!" called Dorcas as she exited through the portrait hole. Everyone said "Bye" in response.

"Where is she going anyway?" asked Alice, "There's nothing to do, it isn't a Hogsmeade weekend.

"Snog or library," replied Lily simply, too frusterated by the situation to use full sentences. "This has gone from really bad to really worse," she complained.

"That's not how the saying goes," pointed out Sirius.

"Shut up," said Lily.

"Hey, Remus, weren't you having a nervous breakdown?" asked Alice.

"Hey, that's right!" recalled Remus, and began running around and yelling again.

"Damn it Alice!" cried Lily.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This is a whole chapter about Peter. It was supposed to progress the Snog plot also, but really doesn't do that very much. Oops. Also, we've apparently created another subplot that will distract from the Snog for at least a couple pages. Oops again. But the next chapter _will_ involve snogging also, we promise!**

The next day, Peter woke feeling like the annoyingly chipper morning person he was. That is, until he remembered the name he'd drawn in the Secret Snog: Remus' crush, Kaila Lewis. His heart sank. Ever since his eyes fell on that piece of parchment, he'd been alternating trying not to think about it and gnawing nervously on his nails. He had very little nail left to gnaw on at this point, so, in his distress, he began picking at a hangnail.

He was so intent in his worrying that when Sirius gave a rather sudden and rather loud snore, he let out a shriek of startlement. The entire dorm was awake in an instant. Well, except for Sirius, who could sleep through anything if he could sleep through his own snoring. Peter remembered when they first learned about Silencing Charms, and how Sirius got mad at them when they--

"Peter, what is it?" Remus asked concernedly but groggily.

Peter felt his pale face go red. "Nothing," he said, picking at the hangnail more furiously than ever now.

"Okay, Peter," Remus mumbled, and laid back down. Most of the other boys had gone back to sleep immediately when they realized it was only Peter.

_"I don't want to be Peter anymore," _thought Peter, _"I need a new identity. I will be...**Perte! **A Portuguese Swashbuckler. From Portugal."_

Peter jumped from his bed (quietly) and began to search for a Swashbuckling outfit. He settled on his normal pants, and untucked dress shirt. That wasn't enough though. He needed a rag around his head, he decided. So he tore a strip of cloth from his red pillowcase. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong enough to rip it, so he got out his sewing scissors and cut it. And then he read a book while waiting for everyone to get up. Remus woke up first, waking the other boys before noticing Peter. I mean, Perte.

"Er, Peter? What the hell are you wearing?' asked James. Sirius was giggling, of course.

"I am no longer Peter. I am Perte!" he said in his Portuguese accent. Unfortunately his Portuguese accent sounded more like an Indian accent than anything else.

James shrugged. "Okay."

Peter looked a little crestfallen. "Don't you even want to know about my new identity?" he asked, forgetting his accent.

"Well, you're obviously an evil maharajah. From India."

"I'm a Portuguese swashbuckler!" Peter said indignantly.

"Just don't -- ahaha -- let McGonagall catch you violating dress code," Sirius said through laughter.

Peter thought a moment. Resuming his accent, he said, "You are right, Sir Sirius!" (He thought a swashbuckler might call people "Sir." To be honest, Peter wasn't entirely sure what a swashbuckler was.) "I must go..._in disguise!_ I shall go as a Hogwarts student," he said decisively.

"Very good," said a by now mostly-dressed Remus drowsily, as he unrolled a sock ball and meticulously arranged the socks on his feet. "Are we going to class, then?"

"First, my disguise!" said Peter, and proceeded to dress himself in his ordinary clothes in a very dramatic manner.

"Splendid," observed James.

"My name as a Hogwarts student shall be...Preet," decided Peter.

"Splendid," repeated James.

"Why don't you just call yourself Peter?" asked Remus logically.

"There is no Peter," said Peter darkly, "there never has been and there never will be."

"What if a first year comes to Hogwarts next year and his name is Peter?" asked Sirius.

"Then he must be killed," replied Peter. The three boys stared at him.

"...That was a bit too far, wasn't it?" asked Peter in his normal voice.

"Ya think!" cried Sirius, much too happy to pull off the expression.

James walked towards the door. "Well, are you coming to breakfast Pet-"

"Perte," interrupted Sirius.

"He's Preet right now," sighed Remus.

"Right you are," said Peter, and they all left for breakfast. Peter was very disappointed that no one had noticed his new idenity, but that's the downside of disguises.

"Hey, Remus, hey Peter," greeted Lily warmly, ignoring the other two boys.

"I am not Peter!" he declared, then switched to a whisper, "I'm Perte, a Portuguese swashbuckler, but I'm in disguise as a Hogwarts student named Preet."

"Good morning to you, too," replied Lily, ignoring the nonsense.

A gorgeous blonde approached the group as they walked, her loose curls bouncing as she trotted to catch up with them.

"Excuse me," she said.

"Yes?" said Remus.

"Who are you?" said James.

"Are you here to snog someone?" said Sirius.

"Parlez-vous portugais?" said Peter.

"Peter, that was French, not Portuguese," said Lily.

"Is one of you Peter Pettigrew?" said the girl.

"I know," Peter replied to Lily. "But I don't know Portuguese, and I do know a little French. What's that? Did someone say my name? I mean -- alas, I am sorry. Peter Pettigrew is no more."

"Oh. But I have to snog him," said the girl.

"You can snog me instead!" said Sirius eagerly. "My dear, I did not notice you at the Snog, but now, with such angelic beauty before my very eyes, I do not understand how I could have missed you!"

"My friends gave me a makeover last night," the girl explained.

"Oh, my love, it matters not," Sirius continued, taking her hand, "just tell me thy name and I wilst--"

"Sirius, has that Olde English rubbish _ever_ worked?" Remus asked.

"Once."

"Out of how many times?"

Sirius started thinking. Remus could nearly see the rusty mathematics wheels turning in his head.

"Never mind," Remus said. He turned to the girl and said politely. "I don't think we've met. I'm Remus Lupin, in Gryffindor."

"I'm Teresa. In Hufflepuff. Pleased to meet you."

"Likewise."

"Hey!" protested Peter. "How come I don't get to talk to the pretty girl? She drew me in the snog, after all!"

"No, dear Preet. Sadly, she drew Peter, who is no more. I am deeply sorry," said Sirius putting his hand on his heart and staring at the ground "in despair" to hide his smirk.

"So what can I do to not get chlamydia?" Teresa asked.

"I have agreed to fulfill Peter's duties in this world, now that he has...passed on," Sirius said, wiping away an imaginary tear.

"I never asked you to do that!" exclaimed Peter.

"Sometimes, I almost think I can hear his voice," Sirius said. "It speaks to me."

"No, I think that's just Preet you're hearing," said James.

"You're all mad. I'm leaving, and I don't care if I get chlamydia," said Teresa, and started to walk away.

"Wait," said Lily with a roll of the eyes. Teresa turned around. "He's Peter," she said, pointing to Peter.

"No I'm--" Remus clamped a hand over Peter's mouth. "--mrflghmlhpg!" (apparently, "not" had become a very long word).

"Don't listen to him," Lily said. "He's just pretending to be a Portuguese swashbuckler named Perte, disguised as a Hogwarts student named Preet."

"You were actually paying attention to all that?" James asked dubiously.

"...Right," said Teresa to Lily.

"Really!" insisted Lily, "I reccomend you come back when all this nonsense is over, you have all week."

"I will always--" Remus clamped his hand over Peter's mouth once more. "--vy Gtuor!"

"Good idea," said Teresa to Lily, and left.

"You made the pretty girl leave," whined Sirius.

"Why can't you guys just be normal once in a while?" sighed Lily.

"It's just the way we are," replied James, who was spinning in circles.

"...I don't even want to know," said Alice referring to James' spinning, as she walked up to the breakfast table they were now gathered around.

"Good morning, fellow student. I am Preet," said Peter, extending his hand to Alice.

"I don't even want to know," repeated Alice, shaking Peter's hand. She then sat down by Lily and grabbed some toast. The Marauders decided to sit beside them.

"Where Dorcas?" asked Lily.

"She was delayed by the boy who got her in the snog."

"Who's that?" asked Lily curiously.

"Sean Snith."

"The Gryffindor sixth year prefect?" Lily queried.

Alice nodded.

"He always seemed _really_ boring."

"Just because he's boring in the prefect meetings doesn't mean he is in, well, snogging," said Alice optimistically. Lily gave her a look. "Okay, well, at least Dorcas won't get chlamydia," Alice pointed out.

"Oh shoot," said Lily pensively.

"'Oh shoot' what?" asked James.

"I just realized something."

"What?" several people asked predictably.

"I messed up the spell. The snog-ee doesn't get chlamydia if they don't snog the snogger."

"Snog-ee?" asked Sirius.

"The person getting snogged. For example, if Alice drew Remus," Alice looked shifty, "then if she doesn't snog him, _she_ gets chlamydia, but _Remus _doesn't get it."

"Oh," was all Remus could think of to say. No one else could think of anything.

"We _must_ keep this a secret. Otherwise we'll have all the snog-ees running away from the snoggers that they don't want to snog."

"I'm still confused by this 'snog-ee' and 'snogger' thing," Sirius said.

"Okay, all the _Remuses_ will be running away from all the _Alices_. Got it?"

"Ohhh, I get it now," Sirius replied.

"Why must I be used as an example? Why?" lamented Remus.

"Consider it an honor. I do," Alice told him with a shrug.

"Well, I'm off to swashbuckle!" said Peter, because he was starting to feel a little invisible again. "Anyone want to join me?"

"Erm, what does swashbuckling consist of?" James asked.

"For Merlin's sake, don't any of you even know what a swashbuckler is?" Lily said exasperatedly.

"No," said Peter, James, Sirius, and Alice.

"Yes," said Remus.

Lily rolled her eyes. "A swashbuckler is: a flamboyant swordsman or adventurer _or _a sword-wielding ruffian or bully."

"Oh," said Peter, James, Sirius, and Alice.

"Or a dramatic or literary work dealing with a swashbuckler," said Remus.

"What does that actually _mean_, though?" asked James.

"It's kind of like a marauder," explained Lily.

"Yeah, about that," said James uncomfortably, "we don't actually know what 'marauder' means. Remus picked it."

"I told you!" siad Remus, "A marauder is: someone who attacks in search of plunder."

"I thought you guys generally attacked people for fun," pointed out Alice.

"It's just a word that worked, okay!" cried Remus.

"I think he's having anoter nervous breakdown," said Lily.

"I am _not _having a nervous breakdown!" he yelled. Everyone at the Gryffindor table stared at him.

"...Hi?" said Remus to the whole table. They went back to eating.

"Anyway, I think I need a sword," said Peter decisively.

"That was an awkward transition," said Lily conversationally.

"True," agreed James.

"I can't but a swashbuckler without a sword," continued Peter.

"What would you do with the sword when you were disguised as Preet?" asked Alice.

"Keep it in the dorm," said Peter in a tone that implied Alice was stupid.

"But what's the point of having it if it lives in your dorm all day?" asked Remus, finally getting sucked into the nonsense.

"Exactly."

"Huh?" said Sirius.

"The sword will be in my dorm all _day_. At night, I shall shed my disguise as Preet, become a swashbuckler, and roam the halls, erm, swashbuckling, as..._Perte!_"

"What if McGonagall catches you?" Alice pointed out.

"I shall swashbuckle right out of her grasp!"

"I'm not even sure 'swashbuckle' is a verb," Lily observed.

"Sure it is," Remus said. "To swashbuckle is: to act as a swashbuckler, as in a movie or play."

"Fine then, Mr. Know-it-all," Lily said, obviously a little put out that Remus knew something she didn't. She stuck her tongue out at him for good measure.

"Lily, do you plan on doing that when you snog me!" James said excitedly.

"Who says I got you in the snog?" Lily snapped.

"Sirius does."

"Sirius, I'm going to kill you," Lily informed him calmly. "I am going to sneak into your dorm in the middle of the night and rip off your leg and beat you with it. And castrate you for good measure."

Sirius scurried behind Peter, and crouched down, since he was taller than Peter. "Eek! Perte, save me from the evil scary woman!"

"Shhh!" Peter said, leaning back over his shoulder to shush Sirius as spit flew from his mouth. "You must only call me 'Preet' in public!"

"But Preet doesn't have a sword! Perte does!" Sirius whined.

"Do not fear. Perte will be there to save you when the evil woman comes to rip off your leg and beat you with it."

"And castrate him," Lily added helpfully.

"And castrate you," Peter finished.

"I thought we had just established that Perte doesn't have a sword," said Remus.

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Dorcas as she arrived.

"Perte's sword," replied Alice simply.

"Who's Perte?"

"Shhh! Don't say it so loud," said Peter, montioning for Dorcas to lean in. "That's me, but I'm currently in disguise a Hogwarts student."

"Is the student named Peter?" Dorcas asked sarcastically.

"No, he's 'Preet'," explained Remus.

"...All right then." said Dorcas, "Why does he need a sword, though?"

"To swashbuckle!" cried Sirius.

"What's that?" asked Dorcas.

"To swashbuckle is--" began Remus, but James cut him off.

"Not again!" he groaned.

"Er, couldn't Peter just get a sword from a suit of armor?" suggested Dorcas, still confused by the nonsense.

"That's a good idea!" exclaimed Peter. "But I'm not Peter."

"So Peter," said Remus conversationally between bites of toast and marmalade, "I don't think I was around to hear who you got for the Snog."

"Me neither," said Lily.

Peter swallowed a mouthful of tomato rather loudly. "I'm sure neither of you would know her," he fibbed.

"I'm sure_ Remus_ would know her," Sirius said with a smirk.

"Huh?" said Remus with a frown.

"So Dorcas, how was the snog with Smith?" Peter asked suddenly.

"It's Snith, not Smith, and quit trying to change the topic," Dorcas replied.

"So Lily, did you know Snape got your name?" Peter tried again.

"_What!_" said the people who didn't have their mouths full of breakfast.

"_Rmphl!_" said the people who did have their mouths full of breakfast.

After a shocked silence, Remus thought to ask "How do you know?"

Peter shrugged. "Just something I overheard."

"Don't worry, Lily," said Dorcas, "we'll always remember you fondly."

"It's a _snog_," said Lily. "I'm not dying or anything."

"I figured you weren't going to snog him, and would die of chlamydia," said Dorcas.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Lily said sarcastically. "But fortunately, _I_ won't get chlamydia if I don't snog him. Only he will."

Peter, James, Sirius, and Alice knew this from the earlier conversation. But Dorcas gasped. "_Really!_" she asked, then proceeded to choke on her food.

"I'm okay, I'm okay!" she said, even though no one had offered to help. "Some bunch of friends _you_ are. Hmph."

"Oh, Dorcas, Remus has something to tell you!" said Lily suddenly, remembering.

"No I don't," said Remus, glaring at Lily.

"Oh, you guys are going to tell me about that thing!" said Dorcas. Sirius, James, and Peter, who had not heard this particular conversation, looked confused. "Remember, I was just going to wait until the big reveal to find out."

"Remus decided he wanted to tell you ahead of time," said Alice.

"It's okay, I can wait," assured Dorcas.

"Does it bother anyone that anyone that everyone besides us had left for class?" asked James rhetorically.

"Aaaaah!" cried everyone, scrambling to get up and out of the Great Hall.

"Hey Lily!" James called after Lily.

"What?" asked Lily, keeping up her brisk walk.

"Don't you have Ancient Runes with me and Pet--Preet?" he asked. Unfortunately this was true, so Lily turned around to go walk with them, waving goodbye to Sirius, Remus, Alice and Dorcas.

"Walk faster," instructed Lily.

"What are we going to tell Proffesor Xavier?" asked Peter worriedly.

"That Lily fell down the stairs--"

"What?" cried Lily.

"-and we have to take her to the hospital wing, but we were just checking in with him." James then scooped up Lily and began to carry her.

"What the hell!" she yelled.

"That way we get nearly the whole class off," finished James, talking over Lily's (very loud) cries of protest.

"Let me go, you buffoon!" she said, pounding on James with her fists. "I want to go to class! I _need_ to go to class!"

"Don't worry, Lily," said James. "This is for your own good. You're addicted to class, Lily. We've got to dry you out."

Lily stopped pounding on him. "_What!_ That makes no sense." She started pounding again.

"Lily," said Peter, putting a hand on the closest part of her body gently as they walked. He now had his hand very comfortingly on her shin. "Lily," he said again. "They've done studies. This really is the best thing for you."

"Just who is this mysterious '_they_' who's always doing studies, eh?" Lily asked suspiciously. "Just for once, I'd like to know!" she said, ceasing her pounding so she could wag a finger at no one in particular.

"She's confused," James explained to Peter. "It's natural, given her condition."

"_What condition!_" Lily yelled.

"Denial. Also natural," Peter said knowingly.

"I'm not in denial!" yelled Lily. James and Peter starting snickering.

"That's not fair," said Lily, "It's a paradox!"

James clamped a hand over Lily's mouth. "Quiet, It won't work if Professor Xavier hears you yelling. Preet, open the door."

Peter opened the door.

"Hi," said Lily awkwardly. Professor Xavier and the students at the front were staring at her oddly. She was, after all, being carried by the boy she hated.

"Be in agony," James hissed to Lily.

"Ow."

"What is going on here?" snapped Professor Xavier.

"Hello, Professor," said James smoothly, "Lily broke her leg falling down some stairs. We have to take to the hospital wing, but we wanted to check in with you so we weren't marked absent."

"Oh, okay!" said Professor Xavier brightly, not even asking why they needed Peter, "Heal up quickly, Miss Evans."

"Will do," replied Lily. Peter closed the door, and they mozied away.

"Put me down," instructed Lily once they turned the a corner. (She didn't want to be put down right away, just in case.)

"Do I have to?" James whined. Lily jabbed him in the ribs.

"Ow! If I put you down, are you sure you won't just rush back to the classroom?"

"Fine," agreed Lily. After all, she didn't really object to getting out of class as much as she pretended to.

"Hold on one sec," said James, and then proceeded to spin Lily in a circle. "I just had to do that," he explained, then finally put the redhead down.

"I didn't expect that to work," commented Peter.

"What, spinning Lily?" asked James.

"Well, that too. But I meant getting out of class like that."

"I'm just charming with teachers," said James proudly. Lily rolled her eyes.

"So what are we actually going to do?" she asked.

"Go swashbuckling?" suggested Peter, "I don't have to be in disguise now."

"You could do that..." James paused dramatically, "in Hogsmeade!"

"We are _not_ going to Hogsmeade," Lily said firmly, "then we'll miss the next class too."

"I fail to see the problem in this," commented James.

"Lily, if you go to Hogsmeade, I'll give you a chocolate frog," Peter said as though talking to a child, or possibly to someone who liked chocolate very very much.

"Do I _look_ like Remus?" Lily asked nastily.

"Chocolate froggie! Chocolate froggie!" Peter said, taking a melted chocolate-and-foil blob that could possibly once have been a chocolate frog out of his pocket, and waving it at Lily.

"Euuuuw, get that mess away from me!" Lily shrieked.

"Chocolate fr--" James clamped a hand over Peter's mouth.

"He'll leave you alone if you come to Hogsmeade," James said. Lily considered this.

"But won't you two just go to Hogsmeade without me, and then _he_ won't be around to bother me?" she asked, jerking a thumb at Peter to indicate who "he" was. Or else she had suddenly developed a nervous tic involving her thumb.

"Drat, she's onto us," James whispered a little too loudly.

"I can hear you," said Lily. "How come no one in this whole school knows how to whisper properly?"

"You could teach us," James suggested innocently.

Lily narrowed her eyes. "That would involve my lips near your ear. And also your lips near my ear. No thank you."

"Are we at Hogsmeade yet?" Peter whined.

"Shush, swashbucklers don't whine," James said. "So are you coming to Hogsmeade with us, Lily?"

"Why should I?" Lily replied sullenly.

"Because you secretly like James and want to skip classes," Peter said.

"He's got a point," James said.

Lily went through a short internal debate.

"I think she's gone into a trance," Peter whispered to James.

"I'm _not_ in a trance!" Lily said angrily. "Clearly, I'm having an internal debate."

"Which side won?" asked James.

"The side that said go to Hogsmeade with you idiots." James and Peter exchanged an incredulous look. "But I want to be back in time for Potions," Lily added.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh, sure Lily," James said inattentively, grinning ear to ear.

"How are we going to get there without anyone noticing, anyway?" Lily asked.

James and Peter exchanged a smirk, even though that sounds a little odd. "_Well?_" asked Lily again.

"Oh, we have ways," James said. "Follow me," he continued, and walked off in the direction of the nearest secret passage to Hogsmeade.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: As promised, this chapter involves snogging! It just takes awhile to get there. We also introduced a random OC (don't worry; not a Sue because she won't get together with anyone). She might reappear later...shifty eyes**

**Also note the change in Chapter 15, from their next class being Potions to it being Transfigurations. (We forgot what class they had, and then it was easier to change one word in Chapter 15 than a whole section of Chapter 16.)**

**Disclaimer: Not ours.**

Upon entering Hogsmeade, thing first thing Peter did was take off his Hogwarts robe.

"Gah! No stripping!" cried James. Lily rolled her eyes.

"I'm wearing my swashbuckling outfit under this," explained Peter.

"Oh," said James, relieved, "We should actually take off our Hogwarts robes, too. We don't want people to notice we're students," he said reasonably.

"But I'm not wearing proper clothing under mine!" protested Lily.

"Really?" asked James excitedly, "Are you naked under it?"

"NO!" cried Lily, "I'm wearing a camisole and shorts, in addition to my usual undergarments."

"You mean knickers," said James helpfully. Lily rolled her eyes once again. "Anyway, I don't see what's wrong with those clothes, they're decent enough."

"Let me think," said Lily sarcastically, "Maybe it's, I don't know, that it's THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER!"

"Oh, right," said James.

"Well, I'm off to swashbuckle. See you guys later," Peter said with a wave, and began walking down the street.

"Wait!" Lily cried. "You're not going to leave me alone with _him_, are you?" she asked, jerking a thumb at James.

"Yep!" Peter called back over his shoulder.

"Lily, do you have a nervous tic involving your thumb?" James asked. "That's the second time you've done that recently."

"No, James," Lily said through gritted teeth. "Can we go back to the castle now? I'm not having fun."

"You know what's fun?" James asked slyly.

"What?" Lily asked, rolling her eyes.

"Snogging," James answered, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

Lily slapped him.

"Ow!" cried James. "What was that for?"

"For being a --"

"Never mind, never mind, don't add insults to injury."

"The expression is 'adding in_sult_ -- singular -- to injury," Lily informed him.

"Yeah, but were you just going to insult me once, or multiple times?" James asked cleverly.

"...Multiple times," Lily admitted. James spread his hands, palm up, in a "there you have it" gesture.

"So, what do you want to do?" James asked courteously.

"Go back to the castle."

"I thought you wanted to come with us."

"Yeah, but that was when I thought I'd have Peter as a buffer between us."

"Afraid the unresolved sexual tension will get to be too much for you?" James asked, waggling his eyebrows. Lily just stared at him for a moment.

"You're a lunatic," she deduced finally.

"Thank you for noticing," James said blithely. "Now, Honeydukes or Three Broomsticks?"

"My choices are fattening candy or fattening butterbeer?" Lily moped.

"Well, we could also go to the Hog's Head and you could get fire whiskey, no questions asked. It has no sugar and no carbs," James added helpfully.

"You know this..._why?_"

"My Marauders and I always go there for firewhiskey, and they never say anything."

"No, I meant the part about the carbs."

"Oh. Peter went on the Atkins diet briefly." **(see A/N at end)**

"Good for him," Lily said genuinely. "Alright, take me to the Hog's Head."

The Hog's Head was filled with smoke; some ordinary grey, and some brilliant green curling from a shadowed corner.

Lily coughed twice. "Ugh. How do you stand it in here?"

"You get used to it," James said with a shrug.

Lily coughed loudly in reply.

"So, do you want a firewhiskey?" asked James. Lily nodded, still coughing. "Unless you want to leave?" he asked uncertainly.

"I'm okay," replied Lily. James wasn't quite convinced, but stepped up two the bar and ordered two firewhiskeys.

"It's on fire!" cried Lily as the barman pushed the glass over the counter.

James sighed. "Why do you think they call it firewhiskey?"

"Oh right," said Lily, feeling rather dumb.

The heavy air moved slightly as a lipsticked-and-mascaraed redhead in a strapless scarlet dress breezed toward the bar.

"Oooo!" said James like a monkey, staring transfixed at the woman's shoulder-length curls.

"I'd like a firewhiskey on the rocks," the woman told the bartender as she completely ignored James' inarticulateness.

"You have really pretty hair!" said James to the woman. "I like the color!"

"Thank you," said the woman, managing to pull off a voice both husky and cold at the same time. "It's not usually my hair that men notice."

Lily fwapped James on the arm, and he turned back toward her. "James! It's the same exact color as _my _hair, and you never said anything about mine!"

"Here's your firewhiskey," said the bartender, sliding the drink across the counter. "I never could figure out why some folks like it on ice," he muttered as he returned to polishing glasses with a white cloth that showed every one of its multitudinous stains.

James glanced over at the sound of the bartender's voice, but then returned his attention to Lily. "Well, I've stopped trying to give you compliments, ever since you nearly bit my head off when I told you you were smart in second year."

Lily "pshaw"ed. "That was second year. A lot could have changed since then."

"Has anything changed?"

"...No."

"I rest my case."

"Hmph," said Lily, knowing she had lost, "Anyway, I'm suprised the color of the dress works with her hair, you think it wouldn't. I should try to wear it sometime."

"Augh!" cried James, "The girl talk is _killing my brain_."

"I can hear you guys, you know," commented the nameless redhead, sipping her firewhiskey, "I'm sitting right next to you."

"Oh, right," said Lily, blushing slightly, "Er, that color looks really good on you."

"Thank you," the woman replied, slightly warmer than she had been with James.

"What's your name?" blurted out James. Lily frowned.

"Why do you want to know?" she asked in reply.

"I guess we're kind of started talking to you, and there didn't really seem like a good way to learn you name, and I thought it might be a good idea, since we started talking to you," James rambled on, unsure of what to say,

"James, shut up," commanded Lily. 

"Yes, ma'am," James said smartly. Lily glared.

"My name is Vivian Bridges. Pleased to meet you," she said, sticking out her hand for Lily and James to shake, each in turn.

"I'm Lily Evans," said Lily as she shook hands with Vivian.

"I'm James Potter," James said, actually managing not to ramble.

Vivian sipped her firewhiskey. "You folks are Hogwarts students?"

James gaped. "How did you know?"

"It's on our robes, James," Lily said with a roll of the eyes.

"Oughtn't you to be in class right now?" said Vivian. It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes, we um," Lily stumbled.

"We're skiving," James filled in. **that's the word from Fred & George's lunchboxes, right?**

"Yeah," Lily replied.

"Oh dear. And the young lady a prefect and all, judging by the badge," Vivian said to no one in particular.

"He kidnapped me!" Lily said accusatorily.

"I most certainly did not!" James retorted. "You came because you wanted to!"

"Yes, but if you hadn't come up with that whole broken leg thing, I would have never come!"

"Broken leg thing?" queried Vivian.

"We were going to be late for class, so he came up with this ridiculous story about me breaking my leg, so we could get the whole period off," explained Lily.

"I got to carry her!" said James excitedly.

Vivian grinned, "You guys are too cute," she said.

"What!" cried Lily.

"I can tell you're not a couple," said Vivian, "But just the way you interact..."

"Oh, we are a couple," lied James.

"I'm not even going to dignify that lie by refuting it," said Lily. Vivian grinned again.

"Drink your firewhiskey, hon," said Vivian to Lily. "You need loosening up."

Lily stared at the still-full flaming glass. "Do I blow it out first?"

"No," replied James, whose glass was also still full.

"Won't I burn my nose?"

"It's magical fire," explained Vivian. "It can't hurt you."

"See?" said James, taking a sip of his.

"Okay..." said Lily uncertainly. She raised her glass to her lips, and was about to take a sip when...

"A toast!" James cried suddenly.

"But you already took a sip of yours," Lily pointed out.

"Yeah, well...who cares?"

"To what, then?" Lily asked, rolling her eyes.

"To us!" James exclaimed, clinking his glass against Lily's.

"To us," Lily repeated half-heartedly. She took a sip.

"Gah, hot!" she cried. James gave her a look. "I don't like firewhiskey. It makes me say stupid things," she pouted.

"That's probably a good thing," said Vivian.

"I like you," commented James to Vivian, "I mean, as a friend. Not in the way I like Lily. I don't like anyone besides Lily. I only like - why do I keep rambling?!"

Vivian chuckled.

"I understand, James," said Lily, rolling her eyes at his rambling.

"Because you feel the same way?!!" James said overeagerly.

"Yes. I feel the same way," began Lily. James' eyes brimmed with joyful tears as he grinned ecstatically down at her. "...for someone else," Lily finished.

James' whole body fell into a dejected slouch, as Vivian positively guffawed. "She's lying through her teeth," Vivian whispered into James' ear.

"She IS?!!" James said a little too loudly in his excitement.

"What did you just say to him?" Lily asked Vivian suspiciously.

"I told him you're wearing a thong. Girls know how to tell about that stuff from firsthand experience, of course."

"But I'm not wearing a--" Lily was turning bright red with embarrassment "--a -- a -- a thong!"

Vivian gave her a "look."

"Well, maybe I am, but that's none of your business!"

Just then, Peter walked in, carrying eight swords (they were in scabbards, of course.)

"Hello..._Perte_," said James, pausing for a moment to remember the proper name.

"Why are you carrying seven swords?" asked Lily.

"Actually, there are eight," corrected Peter, "Well, the shop had a by four, get up to four free deal."

"Are you a sword collector?" asked Vivian curiously.

"No, I'm a - who are you?" asked Peter, frightened that a pretty woman he didn't know was talking to him.

"I'm Vivian Bridges. I've been talking to your friends here."

"She thinks Lily likes me!" said James excitedly.

"What?" cried Lily once more.

"It's true," said Vivian simply.

Lily decided just to drop it, and asked, "But why did you think it was a good idea to buy all eight swords?" she asked Peter.

"Well...I figured I could give one to each of the Marauders, and then you and your friends," said Peter sensibly.

"You got me a sword?!" said James, his eyes shining with excitement.

"There's only seven of us altogether," pointed out Lily, "And anyway, I don't want one."

"Do you want one?" asked Peter, turning to Vivian.

"No thanks," she replied. She then looked to Lily, and somehow managed to convey 'Your friend is crazy,' in a single look.

"Well, we could use a spare," said James, "Or two."

From a corner, they heard two coughs, and a creaky voice from the darkness said "I'd like one, please."

"Um, who are you?" said Peter. "And furthermore, _what_ are you?"

"Just give me a sword, you got the eighth one free anyway."

"No! I don't give swords to creaky voices hiding in corners!"

"How can a voice hide in a corner?" Lily wondered aloud.

"But you do give them to pretty women?" asked the voice.

"Well, yeah, of course!" said Peter as if it were extremely obvious. "C'mon, guys, let's get out of here."

"_I'm_ the group leader, and _I_ say when it's leaving time," said James. "LEAVING TIME!"

"But we're talking to Vivian," protested Lily. "And I haven't finished my firewhiskey."

"You guys should probably get back," said Vivian, "It was nice talking to you though."

Just then there was a loud boom of thunder. Lily visibly jumped, and James shrieked. Lily, Vivian, and Peter began chuckling.

"Don't tell anyone I shrieked," pleaded James.

"Oh don't worry. I won't tell anyone. Except for Sirius, maybe," said Lily with an evil grin. James had a look of pure horror.

"Er, guys?" said Peter.

"I'm not a guy," said Lily.

"What, Peter," sighed James.

"It's raining really hard, and none of us have our cloaks," Peter said.

"Oh, bollocks," said Vivian, "My dress is going to get wet."

"There's some sort of Umbrella Charm, right, Lily?" James asked.

"Why should I know?" cried Lily, getting stressed out. "Oh, wait, yes there is," she said after finally processing James' question.

James tried not to snicker. He was fairly unsuccessful. "Alright, so cast it on all of us." Lily did so.

"Off we go!" said Peter, waving several swords (still in the scabbards) in the air (he had half of them in each hand). He charged out the door, Lily and James following along. The three started the journey back to Hogwarts.

--------------------------------------------------------------

As they journeyed, time was not standing still at Hogwarts. Back at Hogwarts, the bell rang, and the halls quickly filled with moving students. Alice was beginning the long trek to potions when she heard her name being whispered urgently from around a corner opening onto a neglected dead-end hallway.****

"Alice!" the unfamiliar voice repeated.

Alice rounded the corner to see a swarthy boy of medium build pressed back against the wall, as though that would render him invisible.  
**  
**"Um, hi?" Alice said uncertainly.

"I'm Frank Longbottom," the boy said, sticking out his hand for her to shake. She shook it. "I don't normally hide around corners like this, you see, but, erm, I sort of drew your name in the Snog."

"Hey, aren't you in Hufflepuff?"  
**  
**"Yeah. Fifth year, like you. We have class together sometimes."

"Oh. Sorry I didn't know your name. I did recognize your face, though."  
**  
**Frank shrugged. "I'm pretty quiet, I guess."

Alice watched him scribe arcs on the floor with the toe of his left trainer. "_He's really not half bad-looking_," she thought.

"Why thank you," Frank said in surprise.

"_Aaaaaah! He can read my thoughts!_" Alice thought.

"No, you're just saying them out loud."

"Oh."

"So...I suppose we should get on with snogging, and get to class," Frank suggested.

"Wait, since we both drew each other, do we have to snog once, or twice?"

"Um, good question. Hey, what are the odds of two people getting each other anyway?" pondered Frank.

"You're forgetting one thing," Alice said.

"What?"

"We're destined to have a son who will come very close to being The Boy Who Lived."

"_What?!!_" asked Frank, confused by all this blatant foreshadowing.

"...I shouldn't have said that," said Alice. "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

"Forget what?" asked Frank.

"What I just said!" said Alice, giving him an 'are you stupid?' look.

"I was forgetting that you said anything," sighed Frank.

"Oh," said Alice, "I didn't get that." ****

Tired of the pointless conversation, Frank then grabbed Alice and snogged her. This did not work very well, and it turned out to be a very uncomfortable snog.

When Frank finally released her, Alice straightened her robes and commented, "That was the most uncomfortable snog of my life!" Frank raised an eyebrow. "Not that I go around snogging people all the time," Alice added quickly.

"So, um, do you think we need to do two snogs because both we drew each other?" Frank asked, looking at the ground.

"Well, I guess we'd better be on the safe side. I don't think either of us wants to get chlamydia."

"Okay," Frank said, and reached for her again. Alice held up a hand at shoulder height, palm facing Frank.

"Wait," she said. "Let _me_ do it this time, okay?" She gently took Frank's face in her hands.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

James, Lily, and Peter had finally returned to the castle, and were standing at the door to what they thought was the class they should be in: Transfigurations.

Lily opened the door as slowly and quietly as possible, so she wouldn't disturb the class (and so she would go unnoticed).

CREEEEAAAAK! went the door.

Thirty pairs of eleven-year-old eyes were on them in an instant. McGonagall paused mid-sentence. There was a silence, then,

"Miss Evans!" McGonagall said sternly. "And is that Mister Potter and Mister Pettigrew skulking behind you?" She snorted. "I should have known. Those boys are a simply _horrid_ influence on you."

"Why are there a bunch of first years in our class?" James asked stupidly.

"Quiet, you!" Lily said. "Obviously, this isn't our class. It must be the class after ours. We took longer than expected."

"Longer than expected?" McGonagall cut in sharply. "Yes, I do think that was rather a long time to be gone just to mend a broken leg. I did hear about that from Professor Xavier."

"Um, bye Professor!" Lily said. She ducked back out the door before McGonagall could give them detention, shoving James and Peter out of the way in the process.

Lily began striding quickly down the corridor. James followed along, asking "Where are we going?"

"Potions."

"Oh. That's what we have after Transfig., huh?"

Lily gave him a Death Glare.

Up ahead, at the intersection with another hallway, they saw a very strange sight. A large grey rabbit was hopping across.

"What the--" James began, but stopped as his question was answered.

A girl, who looked to be in about fourth year, ran after the bunny. She had somewhat reddish hair that was in a long braid. She also had thick-rimmed black plastic glasses with rhinestones on them. "Come back here, Tribble!" she cried as she continued to chase the rabbit.

"That was strange," commented Lily after the girl had passed.

"I like that word, 'tribble,'" mused James, "I should start using it."

"I think it's a reference to that strange American science fiction television show," said Lily.

"I like television!" said James, "We watched it with Remus once!"

"What's it called?!" cried Lily, frustrated with herself, "It's right on the tip of my tongue!"

Speaking of tongues, just at that moment, James and Lily came across Frank and Alice, who were snogging. The snogging couple didn't noticed the approaching one. 

"Er, hi," said James.

The couple broke away guiltily.

"What are you two doing?" demanded Lily.

"Well, we both got each other in the snog..." said Alice.

"That's no excuse for this!" said Lily.

"The Snog is no excuse for...snogging?" Alice asked dubiously.

"Exactly!" Lily exclaimed. The group stared at her. "Well, I mean, you could have just done a little peck and been over with it, and you knew that!"

"I didn't know that," said Frank.

"Be quiet, you!" Lily ordered. "That's beside the point."

"Okay, and just what IS the point?" James asked.

"Star Trek!" Lily said suddenly.

"Huh?" asked James and Peter.

"The point is Star Trek?" asked Frank, confused, "Isn't that the strange American science fiction television show?"

"I was trying to remember what is was called earlier, and I just remembered now" said Lily.

"How did this ever come up?" asked Frank.

"That's beside the point," Lily said.

"Okay, and just what IS the point?" James asked.

"It's like deja vu," commented Alice.

"What's that?' asked Peter.  
"The point is that these two were _pub_licly dis_play_ing your af_fec_tion for each other! I could give them detention for this!" interrupted Lily, trying to get back on topic.

James pshawed, and Peter followed suit. "As if you've never snogged in a hallway," James said to Lily.

"No comment," said Lily nervously.

"Besides, it's not against the rules. If it was, the teachers would never have let us do the snog."

"It clearly states in Hogwarts: A Rule Book that no lewd behavior must occur in the hallways!"

"Don't we have to get to class?" Peter asked, attempting to break up the argument.

"Oh fudge on a _stick_!" Lily muttered in alarm.

"Pardon?" said James with raised eyebrows.

"Come on, we're going to be late!" Lily said, and took off running.

James and Peter looked at each other, shrugged, and ran after Lily. Luckily, Lily had enough sense to not try to run on the steep stone steps down to the Potions dungeon.

Lily burst into the classroom, James and Peter sauntering in behind her.

Slughorn turned to Lily, "Oho! One of my star pupils, late?"

Lily presumed he meant that as a question, "We were, um-" She could not remember the excuse.

"Going to the Hospital wing! Lily broke her leg, did you not hear?" said James smoothly.

"Oh that's terrible!" cried Slughorn.

"We thought we could get back in time for class. More time had passed than we had thought."

"Were you traveling close to the speed of light?" joked Remus, chuckling at his own wit. Everyone stared at him, trying to figure out what he meant.

"AHAHAHA!" Sirius laughed suddenly.

"You actually got my joke!" cried Remus happily, "Wait - how do you know about Special Relativity?"  
"Er, I don't," said Sirius.

"Then why did you laugh?" asked Remus.

"...It was funny?" suggested Sirius.

Remus proceeded to hit his head against his desk.

"Alright class, settle down," said Slughorn, much too late.

James, Lily, and Peter, who were still standing, then took their seats. There weren't many open seats, and James somehow managed to wrangle it so he was sitting next to Lily. She inwardly groaned.

"Any students who just arrived, no names need to be mentioned, will need to get out the supplies written on the board," said Slughorn, grinning.

"Does he actually think he's being clever?" James whispered.

Lily wanted to smile, but instead replied, "Shush."

The class passed quickly, with Lily excelling at her potion, and helping James against her better judgment.

**The promised A/N at the end: The first book on Atkins was published 1972 according to Wikipedia, so it's reasonable for Peter to have been on it.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: More snogging. More nonsense. Hopefully no more accidentally-left in notes to each other, and our apologies for not updating in so long. There have been...interesting...things afoot in our lives.**

**Disclaimer: Not ours.**

Everyone met up again at lunch.

"Hey Alice, Lily, James, Remus, Peter, and Sirius," greeted Dorcas as she sat down.

"It's Preet!" said Peter.

"You said my name last!" whined Sirius.

Everyone else greeted Dorcas in a normal manner.

"Question: Why are we all sitting together like it's perfectly normal?" asked Lily.

"Because we're one big happy family!" said Sirius.

"The Snog has drawn us closer?" suggested Alice.

"Because you're really in love with me?" suggested James.

"All of the above?" suggested Peter, wanting to be involved.

"Oh, whatever," said Lily.

"Ooh, I have a joke!" said Peter excitedly.

"Go on," said Remus.

"What's brown and sticky?" Peter asked.

"That's gross!" cried Dorcas.

"Let me finish!" cried Peter, "The answer is; a stick!"

"AHAHAHA!" laughed Sirius.

"Surprisingly, I actually kind of like that," said Remus.

"Why? It's _really _bad," pointed out Alice.

"But it's kind of clever," said Remus.

"I think we should talk about the Snog," said James, with no transition at all.

"I'm not snogging you," said Lily.

"Fun with chlamydia!" said Sirius.

"I think Peter should find that Teresa girl and let her snog him," said Remus sensibly. "After all, Peter, it's _your_ fault she didn't snog you at breakfast the other day."

"It's Preet! When will you guys get that?"

"I'm not a guy!" said Lily. Apparently she was one of those people who are really bothered by that.

"Yes, but Teresa drew Peter, and Peter should let her snog him," said Remus. "It's not fair to make someone else get chlamydia just because you're a Portuguese swashbuckler disguised as a Hogwarts student."

"Wow, you actually believe that I'm a Portuguese swashbuckler?" Peter said incredulously.

"No, I'm just humouring you," Remus replied. "But anyway, any swashbuckler worth his salt would never let a fair maiden go unsnogged. To the swashbuckler, she is another adventure; another quest to be fulfilled with devious deceptions and marginally illegal activity."

"Well said!" Sirius said, beginning to applaud loudly. Peter joined in, because it seemed like the right thing to do. James followed, then shortly, Alice and Dorcas did. No one really knew anymore what they were applauding about, but finally, even Lily joined in, and slowly, the rest of the table, then the rest of the hall, was clapping their hands madly.

"Oh dear god, the mob psychology is hurting my brain," said Remus, burying his face in his hands. A Slytherin sent up a "whooooo!", not realizing that the Gryffindor table had started the clapping. Other Slytherins followed suit, and then someone started beating rhythmically on the table. Before long, the whole hall was pounding. Someone began singing "God Bless the Minister of Magic," and everyone who had been raised with magic joined in.

"I'm leaving!" Remus exclaimed, but no one heard him over the noise. He scrambled out of his seat, then exited the hall.

Out in the hall, Remus closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

"Hello," said a female voice with as much contempt as could be squeezed into two syllables. Remus jumped a little, and his eyes flew open. Standing in front of him was a short, somewhat plain girl, with a Slytherin scarf tied around her head as a headband.

"I'm Lyra Rosier. I know who you are," she said with a sneer. "I saw you leave the Hall. I figured now was as good a time as any to get this over with."

"Er, what, precisely, are you talking about?" Remus asked in confusion.

"That silly Secret Snog of yours. I entered in the hope of getting...well, someone _not you_."

"Oh," was Remus' terribly articulate reply.

"Well, here goes. All I have to fear is Gryffindor cooties." Lyra suddenly seized Remus by the shoulders, and smashed her puckered lips into his. "There," she said as she pulled away. "That had better count, because if I get chlamydia because of this, _there will be HELL to pay!_" And with that, Lyra strode off.

Remus was a little stunned. "I think she bruised my lips," he said to himself.

As Remus slumped against the cold stone wall, the door to the Great Hall opened, and students began to file out.

"Moony!" said a familiar excited voice. Remus glanced in that direction. Yes, it was Sirius alright.

"Leave me alone," Remus said moodily, and began walking to class in a daze.

Sirius ignored the request for privacy, and bounced along behind Remus, saying, "Oh, mate, you should have been there! We all started singing "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs," but no one knew more than the first verse, and then Dumbledore stood up and started singing "Yellow Submarine," and we all joined in, and it was THE COOLEST LUNCH EVER!"

"That's nice, Sirius," Remus mumbled.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" Sirius finally noticed.

"Got snogged by a Slytherin and she bruised my lips," Remus blurted out in one breath.

"Ooooh, never knew you liked it rough, Moony!" Sirius teased. Remus glared.

"Go away and leave me alone."

Sirius stuck out his lower lip.

"Oh, stop it. That makes it appear as though you're developmentally disabled."

"What?"

"Sorry, let me speak in terms you can understand: You look like a retard."

"I hate you, Moony! I'm just going to go away and leave you alone forever now!"

"Really?" Remus asked, as if he were being offered a million galleons.

"No. But I fully intend on moping the rest of the afternoon, just so you know. I'm going to go find James and the others."

"Fine by me," said Remus.

"Fine!" said Sirius.

"Yes, that's what I just said. Now go find James."

"Fine!" said Sirius again, and stormed off.

"Fine!" said Remus, succumbing to the childish urge to have the last word.

James and Peter approached, "Um, have you seen Sirius?" Peter asked Remus.

"He stormed off," said Remus elusively.

"What did you say to him?" demanded James.

"I don't remember," said Remus moodily, "So Peter, are we going to find Teresa now?"

"Shouldn't you find Sirius first?" James asked.

"No," replied Remus.

"Aww, but he said he'd give me advice!" said Peter.

"And you were going to take that advice?" asked James incredulously.

"ExCUSE me," said a loud third year girl suddenly, causing the boys to jump. "You ARE blockING the HALL way!"

"We are EVer so SORry," replied Remus, as they moved out of the way. The girl didn't seem to notice his mocking.

Two other girls from the same year followed through the open space, one of them saying, "Why do people always have to stand in the middle of a hallway when they talk?"

"Yeah, it's really rude," said the other girl.

"Not as rude as talking about people right in front of their backs!" Remus called out as they left.

"Right in front of their backs?" James asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Shut up. My speech has really gone downhill since my lips got bruised. It wasn't my fault. But don't ask."

"How did your --"

"I'M GOING TO STAB YOU WITH AN AARDVARK!" Remus said maniacally.

"I think we should back away slowly now..." suggested James as he did so himself.

Peter whispered to James, shielding his mouth from view with his hand; "I think he has PTSS."

"I do NOT have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome!"

"No, I meant Post Traumatic Sirius Syndrome," Peter explained.

"Oh. Yeah, probably," Remus agreed, "Now, onto Teresa finding! Come on, Peter!"

"Er, where are we going?" asked Peter as he followed Remus.

"The Hufflepuff common room," replied Remus. "She's probably there for our fifteen minute break after lunch."

"She's a Hufflepuff?"

"Didn't you know that?" asked Remus.

"Er, guys?" called James.

Remus and Peter turned. "Yes, James?" asked Remus.

"Er, can I come with you? You kinda left me out," said James, unsure of himself.

"We thought you had something better to do," Peter sheepishly.

"Like what?" asked James.

"Stalk Lily, prank with Sirius, the usual," said Remus loftily.

"Well, I want to come help Peter!"

"You just don't usually want to help with this sort of thing," said Peter.

"Oh," said James. "I guess I don't, do I?" Peter shook his head. "That was surprisingly insightful into the way we treat you."

Peter shrugged. "So, on we go?"

"Wait," said James. "I think we should have a deep and meaningful discussion about this."

"As much as actually having a meaningful conversation with you would be a breath of fresh air," began Remus, "I think we should focus on this Teresa thing."

"Right you are!" said Peter, quickly returning to his usual status of Yes-man.

They traversed to the common room of the Hufflepuffs. Remus knew where it was with some sort of lame excuse that had to do with being a prefect.

"What do we do now?" asked Peter as they stood outside the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room, which looked rather like a cellar from the outside.

"Wait for someone to come along and sneak in behind them," Remus suggested intelligently.

"Pound on the door pretending there's an emergency until they open the door," James suggested not quite as intelligently.

"Okay!" said Peter.

"Okay to which?" asked Remus in confusion.

"FIRE, FIRE!" James shouted at the closed door, assuming that Peter was agreeing with him rather than Remus. He started pounding on the door. "FIRE, FIRE!"

"What are you doing?!" Remus asked stridently.

"Stand back and let the man do his work," Peter said as he tried to tug Remus away from James. "You're not moving."

Ignoring Peter, Remus attempted to clamp a hand over James' mouth.

Fortunately for everyone, a gaggle of Hufflepuff students approached.

"Okay, so we're going to sneak in behind them?" asked Peter.

"Okay, we have to be very quiet," said James.

Remus sighed.

"What are you sighing about?" asked James

"What the hell are you guys doing?" demanded a Hufflepuff girl, "Why are you standing in front of the entrance?"

"We were...uh, uh..." said Peter.

"We're prefects!" said James, "We were sent by...McGonagall to get some students from your house."

"Oh really?" asked the girl.

James and Peter nodded enthusiastically.

"Then why have I never seen you, except for him," she pointed at Remus, "at prefect meetings?"

"You're...a prefect?" asked James, desperately trying to think of an explanation.

"No. I'm the head girl."

"Wait, Lily's head girl!" James exclaimed.

"No, James, you're just confused because of that chapter where the authors screwed up," said Remus. "We're in fifth year still."

"My brain hurts," Peter commented.

The head girl was shaking her head exasperatedly, so Remus jumped in with "I'm the only prefect of us three; you're right. But the student we're too bring might be...er, resistant to the idea of coming with me. McGonagall instructed me to bring a minimum of two friends along to help subdue the student."

Frowning in confusion, the head girl stammered, "But then why did he say he was a pre-- and why did he say 'some students' and not -- and why didn't McGonagall tell you what the password -- oh, bloody hell. Just get whomever you need." The head girl said the password, and the door swung open. "Follow me," she said, stepping through.

"Wow, the inside looks like a cellar too!" Peter said with amazement.

"Who do you need?" the head girl asked.

"Teresa," Remus replied when James and Peter looked blank.

"...Teresa is four foot eight."

"So?" said James.

"That's less than 143 centimeters, right?" Remus asked.

"What's your name?" Peter asked.

"You," the head girl said, pointing at James. "The answer to your question is that I'm wondering why on earth you need three guys to subdue her. You," this time with a finger toward Remus. "Yes, but I'm frightened you were able to do that so quickly in your head. You," she said to Peter. "Call me Ishmael."

"Well, you see," James began to explain, "She would be easy to subdue if she was unarmed, but-"

"One of you got her for the snog, didn't you?" said "Ishmael".

"Yes," said Remus. James stepped on his foot.

"Bit late there, James," pointed out Remus.

"You know, if you'd told me that I would've let you in," said the head girl.

"Well how were we supposed to know that?!" cried James.

She shook her head with a smile, "Just don't get too...obscene in any public area, okay?" she said, then started walking toward her dorm.

"Wait!" called Remus, "We still don't know how to find her!"

"Oh, she's in fifth year. Sam over there is in the same dorm, you can ask her to get Teresa."

"Is your name actually Ishmael?" asked Peter.

She smiled at him, and then continued climbing the steps to her dorm.

"Hey Sam!" James yelled across the dorm. Sam ignored him and continued shuffling some parchment around in her bag.

Remus walked over to the couch she was sitting at. "Hello, I'm Remus Lupin," he said extending his hand. Sam tenatively shook it.

"I need to snog Teresa," said Peter.

"Nice to meet you too," Sam said flippantly.

"Why do you have a boy's name?" James asked.

"Because--" Sam began.

"Because it's short for Samantha," Remus interrupted. "And really, why was it even necessary to ask? It was pretty obvious."

"Shut up," said James.

"I need to snog Teresa," repeated Peter.

"Follow me to the dorm," Sam said.

"Won't the staircase turn to a slide on us?" James asked.

"We don't have staircases in here."

"Oh."

"Let's go," continued Sam.

"Well, here we are," said Sam shortly thereafter.

"Where's the girl?" James asked.

"She's undoubtedly the only girl in the room under 143 centimeters, James," Remus said through gritted teeth. "And besides, we already met her, remember?"

"I don't remember meeting any short girls," James said.

"Oh, that was probably the day after her makeover, when we put her in some humoungously tall heels," Sam explained.

Peter had his hands over his eyes. "There aren't any naked girls, are there?"

"No," said Sam.

"How did you know that before you led us here?" asked Remus.

"My psychic powers," Sam said with a straight face. "Now get the snogging over with, please.

"Wait, but why didn't you just go get Teresa for us in the first place?" Remus said.

Sam pointed silently to a nearby yellow-and-black curtained bed, in which lay a very petite girl. On the nightstand, there were several cards of the "Get Well!" variety. "Teresa has the flu and needs bedrest," Sam explained. A brief hush descended.

"Oh great," said Peter, breadking the silence. "Flu or chlamydia, flu or chlamydia?"

"I assure you, the flu would be preferable," said Remus.

"Okay," said Peter, and took a deep breath, "Here goes nothing."

"Wait a minute," James said, "didn't Lily say something about Remuses not getting chlamydia?"

"Er, no she didn't," lied Remus. 

"What are you talking about?" asked Sam, "Either snog her or don't snog her, then get out of my dorm."

"That's right! Only she'll get chlamydia if I don't snog her!" said Peter.

"Actually, I thought it back over, and-- oh, fine! You're right!" snapped Remus, "But do you really want to be responsible for giving Teresa chlamydia?"

Peter pondered this for a moment, "Well...she is awful pretty..."

"Thank you," Teresa rasped, then went into a coughing fit.

"I hate the flu," whimpered Peter.

"Just snog the girl!" Samantha exclaimed, putting her fists on her hips. Peter approached the bed, and leaned toward Teresa with exaggeratedly puckered lips, as though by keeping the rest of his body away from her, he could avoid getting the flu. Suddenly, Teresa grabbed him by the shoulders, pulled him down into a fast peck, and just as quickly pushed him back into a standing position again.

"Um, thanks, I think," said Peter.

"What's with all the agressive women around here?" Remus muttered under his breath.

"Ooooh, never knew you liked it rou--" began James.

"Shut it," Remus said through gritted teeth.

"Fine. You're done. Now amscray!" Sam dictated.

"But that was kind of nice..." Peter said, fingertips hovering over his just-kissed lips.

"Out! Shoo! Begone with ye!" Sam said, waving her hands at the door.

"James, I want to kiss the pretty girl again."

"Was it your first?" James asked conspiratorily.

"...Yes," Peter admitted.

"Come _on!_" Remus said, grabbing James by the arm and tugging him towards the door. "We have to get to class!"

"CLASS?!!" Sam exclaimed. "Oh hell, I only came over here because I couldn't remember where I put my homework. I'm going to be late, you bloody morons!" She dashed away with a backward glance. Actually, it was more of a glare.

James sighed. "Fine, Moony." He trudged out to the common room, which was now entirely devoid of students, with Remus leading and Peter in tow.

"Hurry up!" Remus barked.

"Yes, Sir, Professor Lupin!" James said sarcastically. He broke into a slightly brisker trudge.

"Oh for Merlin's sake, will you quit with the foreshadowing?!" Peter asked.

"Will you quit with the self-awareness that allows us to know that it's forshadowing?" replied James.

"Will both of you stop breaking the fourth wall?" snapped Remus.

"You just did!" cried James.

"Let's just get to Herbology," said Remus.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: D'oh! One more stupid mistake that it would be difficult to fix now: Alice drew _Remus_ in the Snog, not Frank. Please pardon the deus-ex-machina fix in this chapter. Also, after posting Chapter 17, I noticed that we posted the old version, _without_ the corrections. But, as usual, the _other_ author won't let me fix it. Tough luck, kids.**

**Disclaimer: Not ours.**

"So, Alice, when are you going to snog Remus?" Dorcas asked, trying to keep the edge out of her voice as she, Alice, and Lily walked to class. "Or have you, er, snogged him already? Alice?"

Alice had stopped dead in her tracks as Dorcas and Lily continued to walk. They walked back to her, and Lily asked, "What's wrong?"

"I -- er -- don't ask how this happened, but I got confused. About who I drew in the Snog."

"Okay, two things," said Dorcas. "One: Being clueless is _my_ job. Two: _How could you forget something as important as drawing Remus?!_"

"I love how people around here always number or letter their points. Makes it easy to follow the conversation," Lily said to herself. Over her words, Alice was saying:

"I know. But somehow, when I saw Frank, it was like the invisible hand of destiny plucked the information from my brain, and replaced it with making me think I drew Frank."

"...You're mad," Lily concluded after a long pause, having tuned in in time to catch the "invisible hand of destiny" part.

"No really! I got this tingly sensation on my head!"

"Yup, completely bonkers," Dorcas confirmed.

"Well, at least I know _I'll _never have to worry about some stupid 'Invisible Hand of Destiny' when it comes to James. He and I are _definitely_ not destined to be together," said Lily.

Suddenly, Dorcas froze in place. Her body went stiff as a board, and she stared glassy-eyed off into the distance.

"Um, Dorcas?" Alice asked as she and Lily turned to face their friend.

"Lily…Evans…will marry…James…Potter…and…they…will have…a child…" Dorcas intoned in a deep voice.

"Do you think she's in a trance?" Lily asked Alice.

"Why, are you worried about her?"

"No. I'm worried about what she said."

"…and…they will…have…wild…monkey sex…every…night…" Dorcas accidentally let a snicker escape at the end.

"Dorcas!" Lily yelled crossly.

"Had you going!" Dorcas said, laughing hysterically.

"Don't you _ever_ scare me like that again!" Lily mandated. Dorcas continued laughing.

"So, um I guess that's about it for boys and romance, then," Alice concluded lamely when Dorcas finally stopped laughing.

"Tell us," commanded Lily.

"What makes you think I've got anything to tell?" frowned Alice.

"You were acting shifty and trying to end the conversation," Dorcas said.

Alice sighed loudly. "Fine. The snogging caused Frank and I to start --" here Alice began to blush, and she paused.

"What, what??" Dorcas asked. "Finish the sentence!"

"--going out," Alice finished quietly.

Dorcas shrieked with excitement and seized Alice in a bear hug. Lily broke into a grin and joined the hug.

"Well, it's not as if I've never dated before," Alice said sheepishly after the girls released her.

"And we hugged you over your other boyfriends too, remember?" Dorcas said.

"Oh. Yeah," Alice said with chagrin.

"We're just oddly into hugs," Lily said.

"So, I guess now that you're dating Frank, you can't snog Remus, because you don't want to cheat on Frank, right?" said Dorcas, abruptly changing the subject.

"Frank is a kind and forgiving person who would never want me to get chlamydia!" Alice said indignantly.

"Have you asked him?" Lily asked.

"I only just now remembered I have to snog Remus!"

"Well, looks like you'd better go ask Frank before the week is up, then. Or do it behind his back," Lily said logically.

"Don't encourage her!" Dorcas hissed to Lily, accompanying her comment with an elbow to the ribs.

"Ow!" said Lily. "Have you heard of _subtle_, dear mate? As in, not cracking five ribs when trying to convey a hint?"

"Hey, where did Alice go?" Dorcas asked.

"I think she took my advice and went to find Frank."

"Psht. No one ever takes your advice, Lily. Your advice always involves doing the right thing."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so, where are we going again?"

"Herbology."

------------------------------

"Oh crap on a STICK," Remus muttered upon arriving at Herbology.

"What, what?" asked James, whispering as they found their places.

"Pick one:" said Remus, "a) we're late to class _again_, b) I just remembered it's _double_ Herbology, or c) Sirius actually made it here before us. He must have gotten bored and come here."

"Can I have d) all of the above?" Peter asked.

"Professor Sprout never punishes us for being late," pointed out James.

Just then, Professor Sprout noticed their entrance. "I'm not going to punish you for being late," she said, "But talking loudly and disturbing the class is simply unacceptable. Five points from Gryffindor. Each."

"But that's fifteen points!" cried James.

"Wow, thank you for that fabulous display of your math skills," said Alice.

"It was nothing," said James.

"I think she was being sarcastic," said Peter.

"Five more from Gryffindor!" Sprout yelled.

"Geez, is she PMSing or something? She's not normally this mean," James said to Remus, whispering this time.

"Be quiet before she takes off more!" pleaded Peter.

"We aren't disturbing the class," said James.

"That wasn't a whisper," whispered Remus.

"I think she's channeling McGoogles," Sirius whispered loudly.

"I thought you were mad at us," Remus whispered quietly.

"Hey, you're right!" said Sirius in a tone which was only a whisper for him, "I'm not going to talk to you."

Remus rolled his eyes. Fortunately, Professor Sprout had started lecturing again, and so she didn't hear. (Sirius' whisper, that is, not Remus' eye-rolling, which was silent anyway).

"Hey Remus," whispered Peter.

"What?" asked Remus impatiently, forgetting to whisper.

"I would advise not giving me a reason to take off more points," said Professor Sprout.

"Remus," whispered Peter urgently.

"What?" whispered Remus.

"Can I borrow a quill?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You break quills."

"I promise I'll give it back!"

"Yeah, broken."

"Fine. I'll ask Sirius. He's nicer anyway. Sirius, can I borrow a quill?"

"Sure!" replied Sirius, happily pulling out his joke shop Perpetually Leaking Quill and handing it to Peter, after surreptitiously tapping it with his wand to start it perpetually leaking.

Peter took the quill, which began to drip ink onto his robes. "Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"This quill leaks."

Sirius tried to disguise his snicker with a fake cough. "Sorry, it's my last one."

"But I can see inside your bag, and you have--"

"No I don't."

"Yes you--" Peter stopped as he saw something large and round move in front of his desk out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see a glowering Professor Sprout offering him a quill, the point dangerously close to his eye. "Erp," he said as he took the quill with a trembling hand. He unthinkingly tossed the Perpetually Leaking Quill into Sirius' lap.

Sirius didn't notice until the ink sopped through his robes and onto his skin. He leaped up. "Peter!" he yelled angrily.

The rest of the class looked over at the disturbance. Several started giggling.

"It looks-- haha! It looks like-- heeheehee," James attempted to speak.

"What, what does it look like?" Sirius demanded.

"It looks like you peed ink in your trousers," Lily explained with a straight face. The entire class howled with laughter, and even Professor Sprout was grinning somewhat maliciously at the most disruptive boy she had taught recently.

"Well, well, it takes one to know one!" said Sirius defensively.

"You know that didn't actually make any sense, right?" asked Remus.

"I'm not talking to you!" snapped Sirius.

"Alright, class, let's get back to work," said Professor Sprout, "Mr. Black, I recommend you see Madame Pomfrey about your...personal problem."

"You know what? I think I will," said Sirius, and then stormed out of the classroom.

"I don't think I've ever seen Sirius storm before," commented Lily.

"How could you tell he was storming?" asked Remus curiously.

"Everyone put on their gloves and grab themselves a Tactula," said Professor.

"Crap, we're actually doing something?" said James, a bit too loudly, as Alice went to grab a couple plants for the group.

"James, you said that a bit too loudly," Peter whispered brightly.

"Wait, there's no such thing as a Tactula!" said Lily with a worried frown.

"How do you know that?" James whispered in her ear.

"I like how he only knows how to whisper when it involves getting near Lily," Remus observed drolly to no one in particular.

"_I _don't like it," Lily commented. "And anyway, I read it in _Hogwarts, a History_. Tactulas are a made-up plant, and the word was first used in 1384 to threaten wayward Herbology students. It was said to be a very dangerous plant, you see."

Professor Sprout glanced down at her lab notes again when she heard the confused murmuring that was rolling through the classroom. "Did I say Tactula?"

Remus and Lily raised their hands.

"Rhetorical question. I don't actually want an answer." Remus and Lily put their hands down in disappointment. "Anyway," continued Sprout, "I meant to say _Ten_tactula." Lily sighed in relief.

"But aren't ten Tactulas worse than one?" squeaked Peter nervously.

"That was the world's worst pun," Remus pointed out neutrally.

"Don't worry, Peter," Alice said comfortingly as she returned. "This is a Tentactula," she said with a bright smile, holding out a vicious-looking, spiny vined thing. "It's quite harmless," she said reassuringly. Peter was disinclined to believe her as he shied away from the plant's outstretched tentacles.

"I think you're scaring Peter," James noticed.

"Aw, you wouldn't hurt Peter, would you, Tacky?" Alice cooed to the plant, moving a finger to scratch it under its teethed mouth, presumably where its chin would be.

"No, but it might hurt you," Lily said. "For heaven's sake, Alice, get your hand out of the middle of that thing!"

"Aw, isn't it a cute little --" the Tentactula seized Alice's finger in its teeth. "-- bloody son of a bitch!" screamed Alice.

Professor Sprout rolled her eyes. "Go to the infirmary, Miss --"

James cut Sprout off before she could finish saying Alice's surname. "Oh my god, she's bleeding all over Peter!" he yelled. This was true, for the instant the plant released Alice's finger, it began bleeding profusely as Alice cursed under her breath.

"Mister Pettigrew, you may clean yourself off in the men's room," Sprout said calmly. She fought the temptation to bury her face in her hands and weep tears of frustration. That group...they were hopeless. None of them would ever amount to anything, and a large portion of them would probably do something stupid and wind up dead before the age of thirty. She figured --no, she _hoped _-- it would probably be Sirius first.

As Sprout was musing, Peter and Alice had left, Peter in a slight daze, and Alice running and clutching her hand by the wrist.

Alice arrived at the infirmary shortly thereafter, only to be greeted by an odd scene. Firstly, there was the fact that Sirius had his trousers down around his ankles, and evidently hadn't had anything on under them. Alice had a clear view of Sirius' back end (she figured a shower in boiling bleach would be needed to cleanse the image from her mind), and Madam Pomfrey was bustling about as if there weren't any half-naked boys in her infirmary.

"No, no, there doesn't appear to be anything wrong down there," Pomfrey said as she shuffled some potion bottles around, "but your idea to have me check anyway was a good one." Pomfrey turned around. "Oh, hello, Miss -- "

"This hurts, give me something for it already!" Alice exclaimed suddenly.

"Oh dear, what happened? It was Professor Sprout and her dangerous plants, wasn't it? I can't believe the school allows..."

"Pain!" cried Alice.

"Patience!" cried Pomfrey. "Now, would you prefer an addictive pain potion, or one that doesn't really do any good?" she asked brusquely as she bustled over to her cabinet.

"Addictive! Choose addictive!" Sirius put in his vote as he reassembled his garments.

"Uh, one that _works_ would be good. And is stopping my bleeding somewhere in the plan?"

"No, she's a vampire," Sirius said flippantly.

"Here, drink this," Pomfrey said, measuring an amount of iridescent, translucent periwinkle syrup into a cup for Alice.

"Don't you need to heal it from the outside?" asked Alice.

"Who's the healer here?!" said Pomfrey.

"You are, but whenever I've gotten cut before..."

"Drink!" snapped Pomfrey.

"All right, all right!"

Alice gulped quickly, expecting it to taste horrible. Her grimace rapidly changed to an expression of delight. "Hey, it tastes like...marshmallow unicorns pole-dancing."

"Yes, sweetheart. Try not to operate any heavy machinery for eight hours," Pomfrey added as she bandaged up Alice's finger.

"Are you Frank?" Alice asked dizzily, pointing her free hand in Sirius' general direction.

"Uh..."

"I like to snog Frank. He's really good at snogging. Hey, my finger's all puffy and white! It's funny," Alice giggled.

"You might want to watch her for a few hours," said Pomfrey to Sirius.

"Ok!" said Sirius enthusiastically, "This is going to be fun!"

"On second thought, maybe someone else might be a better caretaker for Miss--"

"Longbottom?" supplied Sirius.

"Haha heehee you called me by Frank's last name! Do you think Frank likes unicorns? Look, I'm a marshmallow unicorn!" Alice giggled again as she put her right hand on her forehead with her index finger extended.

"Actually, I think you look more like a narwhal," said Sirius,

"Mr. Black, would you please go get Miss Evans?" snapped Pomfrey, tired of being interrupted.

"But Alice is so much more fun than Lily!" whined Sirius, "Though I guess Lily would be fun if we gave her some of that too..." He eyed the bottle still on Alice's nightstand.

"Go!" Pomfrey pointed at the door.

"Hmph," pouted Sirius, and went off to find Lily.

"Bye Sirius!" Alice called after him, "Hey, it sounds like 'serious' but Sirius isn't serious at all!"

Back at Herbology, Sirius found that the group had given up on their Tentactula, and were having a conversation while trying to look busy. It was rather difficult to look busy, as the plant they were supposed to be pruning was sitting as far away from them as it could possibly be and still be on the desk; apparently no one wanted to repeat Alice's mistake.

"Lily, you've gotta come see this!" Sirius said, upon reaching the Herbology room and poking his head in the door.

"No," said Lily, without glancing up from her "work" with the Tentactula.

"Quick, before Sprout gets done helping James and notices me!"

"No."

"Pleeeeaaaase?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "_Why?_"

Sirius thought quickly. "Because Alice is in grave danger, and only you, the smartest student at Hogwarts, can save her!"

Lily looked alarmed. "Why didn't you just say so? If I'm the only one who can save her, then lead the way!"

---------------------------------

"_This is not grave danger!_" Lily's scream echoed through the infirmary as Alice fiddled with her hands, obviously trying to do something and not succeeding.

"Oh, it isn't?" said Sirius with feigned innocence.

"Alice, just _what_ are you trying to do?" Lily asked.

"Make my thumb disappear!" said Alice. "It's a Muggle magic trick!"

Lily cast _disappearo_ on Alice's thumb.

"Hey, it's gone!"

"Yes, we can do magic. Remember, with our _wands_?"

"But that takes all the fun out of it! Hey, did you know your hair is _red_?!!"

"Yes, I did. Now what did you take, and where can I get the antidote before you drive me insane?"

"I'm afraid you'll just have to wait for it to wear off," said Pomfrey, "Now leave! Amscray!"

"_Amscray?_" asked Lily dubiously.

"Just go!" cried Pomfrey.

"Come on Alice, we're going to the fluffy turtle castle!" said Sirius as if he believed it himself.

"Really? Well then why are we still in this smelly place?" Alice wrinkled her nose and walked towards the door drunkenly.

"Do we really have to watch her?" groaned Lily, "Isn't that your job?"

"I have more important things to do," said Pomfrey.

"There's no one else in here," pointed out Lily.

"Wait a minute, turtles aren't fluffy! And they don't have castles either!" cried Alice, stopping suddenly.

"Well, maybe turtles aren't fluffy, but, um..."

"Remus is!" said Lily.

"He is?" asked Sirius.

"Yes, Remus is very fluffy, and you should take Alice to go snog him."

"But wouldn't that make Franky mad?" asked Alice.

"Oh no, I'm sure Frank would understand. He wouldn't want you to get chlamydia, chlamydia isn't fluffy at all," said Lily with a reassuring nod.

"I don't want to get camyd-chladmy-chilmi-" Alice stumbled over the word until Lily grabbed her arm and started to drag her out of the infirmary.

"Wheeeee!" cried Alice happily.

"Aww, Alice gets all the fun!" whined Sirius.

"I'm _dragging her by the arm_," said Lily exasperatedly.

"But she's having fun," said Sirius.

"She's under the influence of mind-altering drugs! I mean, potions!"

"Exactly, she gets all the fun," repeated Sirius.

"I don't do drugs!" protested Alice.

Lily ignored Alice and checked her watch. "Okay, we have to catch Remus on his way to Potions now."

"I thought we had Potions in the morning," said Sirius.

"No we don't, what are you talking about?" said Lily, "Now stop distracting me, I need to figure out the fastest way to get to the Potions dungeon from here." She quickly turned a corner, nearly pulling out Alice's arm in the process.

"Ow," said Alice.

"Er, Lillers?" asked Sirius tentatively.

"Yes?" said Lily, gritting her teeth in anticipation of stupidity from Sirius.

"You might want to let go of Alice now," he said, sounding authentically concerned.

Lily didn't reply, but did drop Alice's arm. "Do we make a right or left turn here?" she asked, checking her watch once again.

"The fluffy one!" Alice said helpfully.

"Well we go the right way, of course," said Sirius.

Lily began to turn right, but stopped herself. "Wait a minute, you're just messing with me, aren't you?"

"Oddly enough, I'm being serious- because that's my name!" Sirius chuckled.

Fortunately, just then, they saw Remus down the hall to the left.

"Remus!" cried Lily happily.

"Moony!" cried Sirius, even more happily.

"Fluffy!" cried Alice, happiest of all.

Remus winced at the obnoxious greetings. "Hi," he said, just as loudly as was needed for the trio to hear him, without being excessively loud.

"I need to snog you 'cause you're fluffy, and cylchimida isn't!" Alice said, grinning madly.

"What's wrong with Alice?" Remus asked Lily concernedly.

"Drugs," said Sirius.

"Alice, drugs aren't the answer-" Remus began to lecture.

"Madam Pomfrey gave her a potions with some...interesting side effects," explained Lily, "And while she's under it's influence and snog-happy, you're going to snog her."

"Oh, I am?" said Remus dryly.

"Yes, you are. Here she is," Lily said, seizing Alice by both shoulders and thrusting her at Remus. "Now snog her."

Remus looked more than a little frightened.

"Oh come on, isn't snogging all that boys think about at this school?" Lily asked impatiently.

"Actually, the boys at this school are more interested in getting laid," Sirius pointed out.

"You make it sound like this is Hogwarts School of Sex and Orgies!" Remus said with a grimace.

"Sex!" said Alice gleefully.

"An orgy is a type of sex, so that's redundant," Lily corrected Remus.

"Hey, I'm here to see some snogging!" said Sirius. "If you want to nitpick the school name, do it on your own time!"

"Haha...'do it'," giggled Alice.

"Alice!" said Sirius as if he were talking to a puppy. "See the Remus? See the fluffy Remus?" Alice was nodding eagerly. "Go snog the fluffy Remus!"

"I gotta get him all interested first, m'kay?" Alice asked Sirius for approval.

"Go for it!" said Sirius, channeling his inner cheerleader.

"Hey love," Alice said, swaying toward Remus as she peered at him through lowered lashes.

"You do realize that only makes you look more high, right?" said Remus in a slightly squeaky voice, taking a step backwards for every one Alice took forwards.

"Maybe you can find a way to...take advantage of that..." said Alice.

"Right now, it would be really funny just to yell, 'Look, a fluffy unicorn!'," Sirius whispered to Lily.

Lily quietly cast a Silencing Charm on Sirius before his plan could come to fruition. Sirius glared at her (silently, of course).

Alice was still talking sweet nothings to Remus, and he backed up until his foot hit a wall. "Crap. The one time you actually _want_ a disappearing wall," he muttered, just before Alice seized him and gave him the most thorough snogging of his life.

"Look, a fluffy unicorn!" yelled Lily. Sirius gave her the evil eye.

"What, where?" said Alice, forgetting about Remus entirely.

"Around this corner!" said Lily, taking the charm off Sirius as an afterthought.

"_Hm, that was surprisingly good, considering it was Alice and she was high_," thought Remus as he slumped back against the wall.

"_Fluffy!_" thought Alice as she skipped off around the corner Lily had indicated.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Wow, we didn't know we still had any readers, after not updating for almost a year...Thanks, guys; you rock our world! (Especially those who reviewed. Those who didn't review only gave our world a mild quiver. Like a 2.0 on the Richter scale.)**

**By the way, we're not following 7th book canon, which should be obvious, given that we started writing this long before the 7th book came out.**

**There'll be one more chapter (a round 20), and an epilogue (or two, if we get carried away).**

**If this chapter had a title, it would be: _The Return of Perte_, or alternatively, _How We Managed to Spend Eleven Pages on Breakfast_.**

**Disclaimer: Not ours.**

_She opened her eyes, and looked up at a canopy identical to her own. Yet she was not in her own bed. No, she was in a bed far, far sweeter. She languidly rolled onto her side and looked at her beloved. A smile crept over her face as she traced his perfect features with her eyes. She put a hand on his bare arm, which had curves in all the right places, and caressed him gently to wake him up. His eyes fluttered open, perfect lashes over gorgeous eyes. She looked into those eyes, and said, "Good morning, Remus, my dear."_

_"Good morning, my love," he replied. He took her in his arms, and crushed her to him, and--_

_BANG BANG BANG_

"Dorcas, you've been in the bathroom like an hour! What are you _doing_ in there? I'm hungover and I want to barf, so the toilet better not be stinky!" Alice said crossly.

Dorcas whipped her notebook shut and shoved her pen in the spiral binding. "Hold your horses, I'll be right out!" She stuffed the notebook down the front of her ratty flannel robe, and opened the door. Alice barreled past her, barely making it to the toilet in time.

"Madam Pomfrey needs to be fired," Alice groaned.

"It did help with the pain, didn't it?" pointed out Lily.

"She might as well have given me booze," said Alice, still slumped next to the toilet.

"Maybe she did! I think we've just uncovered her evil scheme!" said Dorcas enthusiastically.

"Or, you know, not," said Alice.

"Why do you always reject my ideas?" whined Dorcas.

"Because we need to get down to breakfast," said Lily as she checked her hair in the mirror.

"Go without me," groaned Alice.

"Either get up or get Madam Pomfrey to excuse you from class," instructed Lily.

Alice leaned over the toilet and didn't respond.

"Dorcas, are you ready?" Lily said impatiently

"I'm still getting dressed and then I have to do my hair!" cried Dorcas.

"Hurry up!"

"It's just breakfast, we can be a little late and eat quickly!"

"No we can't!"

"Shut up, I have a headache!" snapped Alice.

"You're going to take forever to do your hair; it's all tangled!" Lily yelled quietly. "What were you _doing _all last chapter -- I mean, all yesterday, anyway? Having a roll in the hay or something?"

"I don't kiss and tell," Dorcas said smugly.

"I heard she snogged that chlamydia boy, and that she got snogged by some hunk from the Ravenclaw Quidditch team!" a random nameless girl who shared their dorm said excitedly.

"_Really?!!_" Lily asked Dorcas.

"You shouldn't believe everything you hear. Besides, you're late for breakfast and I still need to do my hair," Dorcas said.

"Agh! Curses! I'm torn between punctuality and curiosity!" Lily said in a tortured manner.

"Bye, I'm going to go get food and see if I feel any better," Alice said as she dragged herself down the dorm room stairs, still in her pajamas.

"I thought you weren't getting breakfast!" Lily called after her.

"I changed my mind," said Alice, but stopped to wait for the rest of them.

"Finish your hair!" Lily prodded Dorcas.

"I thought you wanted to hear about my snogs," said Dorcas smugly.

"I do, but breakfast is more important. Wait, maybe it's not!" said Lily, still indecisive.

"I want to hear about Dorcas' snogs!" said the random nameless girl.

"I though you already went to breakfast," Lily said to the random nameless girl, "Don't you usually get up early and leave before the rest of us?"

"I wanted to be social today," said random nameless girl.

"I see. Dorcas, how long does it take to brush your hair?!" said Lily.

"Snogs," said Dorcas with a smirk.

"Argh! No, breakfast!" Lily grabbed Dorcas' non-hairbrushing arm and began to drag her out of the dorm.

"Why are you always grabbing people's arms?" asked Dorcas as she fought to get her arm back.

"Because people never do what I want!" cried Lily.

"I told you, that's because you always want people to do the right thing!" Dorcas said, still struggling.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I don't think it would make a difference if I told you to do the _wrong_ thing. I think you would still need arm-grabbing."

Alice and Dorcas exchanged a look. "Try us," Alice said.

Lily rolled her eyes again. "Okay, Alice, try to steal Remus from Dorcas."

Alice started blushing. Lily realized her mistake.

"Why are you blushing?" Dorcas asked.

"I need to puke again," Alice said, and dashed into the bathroom, hollering, "Don't wait for me! No need to supervise me, because I would never try to steal Remus!" Alice then made slightly convincing puking sounds.

"I'm going to breakfast! We've dilly-dallied long enough in idle conversation!" Lily exclaimed, trying to change the topic. It worked.

"Most people would just have said, 'We goofed off too long,'" Dorcas said as she followed Lily out the door.

At breakfast, as the girls sat down, the boys were already stuffing their faces and discussing the deeply disturbing changes the Death Eaters were causing in the wizarding world.

"Wow. More Muggle-borns killed," Remus said as he perused his copy of the Daily Prophet.

"That's nice, Moony," said Sirius, not really paying attention. Sirius was staring at the Head Table. "He's twinkling again," he commented. 

"What?" queried Remus with a puzzled expression.

"Dumbledore. He's twinkling again." 

"…Oh, you mean his _eyes_ are twinkling," Remus finally managed to decipher what Sirius meant.

"Yes, that's what I said."

"No you—" began Peter.

"How do you think he gets them like that?" Sirius cut in.

"Maybe he puts something in them every morning!" suggested Dorcas outrageously.

"Yes, he puts twinkle powder in his eyes each day," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"That's brilliant!" Sirius exclaimed. "I need some of that myself!" There was a brief pause as everyone contemplated this latest desire of Sirius's.

"Er, why?" Remus thought to ask.

"Um…" replied Sirius.

"This is like the summer we took him to a Muggle hardware store to amuse him, and he decided he wanted a telescoping sponge mop," Lily observed to Remus.

"Lily, I hereby ban you from using analogies," Remus decreed.

"What? Why?!"

"Because you've abused that horrible axe-murderer one to death, and I'm not about to let you do the same to the one you just coined."

"Oh, be quiet, you," Lily grumbled. There was a silence that would have been awkward if they hadn't been eating.

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed suddenly. "I just thought of something!"

"What?" asked Peter enthusiastically.

"Back when we were calling names at the Snog, I should've told James to say "Lupin, _Romulus_, instead of Lupin, _Remus!_ It would have been so funny!" Sirius said, beginning to snicker at the thought.

The group stared at him.

"Isn't it a little late for that now?" James asked with a puzzled frown.

"So, Remus, how was your yesterday?" Dorcas asked with only a modicum of flirtation.

"My yesterday?" asked Remus dubiously.

"Yeah, like 'How was your day?' only with-"

"I got that," said Remus, cutting her off.

"Oh," said Dorcas.

"It was okay, I guess, how was yours?"

"Oh, you know, same old, same old," said Dorcas, trying to be lofty but failing.

"I heard you got some hot snogging done," said Sirius through a mouthful of clotted cream.

"Are you eating clotted cream by itself?" asked Lily with disgust.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sirius," said Dorcas.

"Hey, sweetie," came a voice from behind Dorcas' head.

"Chlamydia boy!" cried Sirius happily, glad to have a new subject to harass.

"Hello, George," said Remus, trying to hide his confusion.

"Dorcas?" George asked uncertainly.

"Oh. Um, good morning," said Dorcas.

"No kiss?"

"No kiss?" repeated Lily with confusion, "Is there something you want to tell us, Dorcas?"

"Um, that I'm going to go sit at the Hufflepuff table with George and hope the teachers don't notice?" said Dorcas. "Off we go, Georgie boy!"

"Wait!" cried Lily as Dorcas left.

"Isn't 'Georgie boy' a Muggle song?" Peter wondered to no one in particular.

"No, that's 'Georgie _Girl_' you're thinking of," supplied the random nameless girl, who happened to be sitting nearby.

"Gah, where did you come from?!!" Sirius asked, looking startled.

"Oh, I've been secretly stalking you for months," the random nameless girl replied.

"Just what we need -- another subplot," Lily grumbled.

"No, I'm just kidding. I'm just eavesdropping because my friends decided to go get their snogs done, since they don't have very much time left," the random nameless girl explained.

"What about you?" Peter wondered.

"I didn't participate," the random nameless girl answered.

"_What?!!_ I thought the whole school participated!" Sirius protested.

"Uh, no?" said the random nameless girl.

"Did she just point out that there isn't much time left for the snog yet?" wondered James aloud.

"Yes, in fact, that was the entire reason the authors created her," Remus commented.

"Five points from Gryffindor for breaking the fourth wall!" Professor Sprout said as she wandered by.

"I hate it when that happens," said James.

"So, I think that we should get some snogging done today," commented Lily reasonably.

"Lily, have you done your snog yet?" asked Alice with an evil grin.

"Who did you get, again?" asked Remus, playing along.

"Oh, no one important," said Lily, looking at her food to hide her blushing.

"Well I think you should snog them today," said Alice, "You wouldn't want to get Chlamydia."

"Weren't you hungover?!" snapped Lily.

"I'm better now, thanks for asking."

"Alice was hungover? Did you guys have a party without me?" pouted Sirius.

"So, Remus, have you done your snog yet?" Lily said conversationally.

"No, I haven't. I don't actually know which house she's in."

"Perhaps it would have been a good idea to put that on the slips of paper," said Lily.

"I'll keep that in mind for next year," said James.

"We're doing this next year?" asked Alice, aghast.

"Sirius! Get your fingers out of the clotted cream!" yelled Lily. Sirius removed his fingers from the jar, and then licked off the gobs of clotted cream happily.

"Why wouldn't we do it next year?" said James.

"Well, there's the angst and the chaos to be considered," said Alice.

"Especially the angst," Remus muttered.

"But it was so much fun!" protested James.

"No, it really wasn't," said Lily.

"Was too!" said James.

"Besides, everyone hates it when authors try and set up an automatic sequel," Remus said reasonably.

"Another five points from Gryffindor! No breaking the fourth wall!" said Professor Sprout.

"Remus, stop it! We're going to fall behind Hufflepuff if you keep it up!" protested Lily.

"That's hard to do. They're in last place, with no hope of catching up by the end of term," James observed.

"Isn't it great how the Secret Snog has helped to break down the house boundaries and make us forget about inter-house rivalries?" Peter said joyfully.

"No, actually, it sucks," James said. "The Slytherins haven't even given me much excuse to prank them lately. I had some biting mistletoe all ready, too."

"Mistletoe! That's exactly what the Secret Snog needs!" Sirius exclaimed brightly.

"No. Just no," Remus vetoed.

"I think I'm going to go get done with my snog before mistletoe gets involved," said Peter.

"Really? Who'd you get?" said Remus.

"Uhhh..." said Peter, gulping nervously as he remembered that Remus didn't know he'd drawn Kaila Lewis, Remus' crush.

"I'm sure she would be much more swept off her feet if _Perte_ snogged her!" James said, trying to rescue Peter.

"But who's'she'?" Remus asked, starting to get frustrated.

Unnoticed by most, Dorcas returned to the table, without Chlamydia Boy. I mean, without George. Lily caught her eye and put her finger to her lips, indicating that Dorcas should let the scene unfold without announcing her presence.

"No time to talk! Gotta go grab Perte outfit from dorms! Bye!" Peter said as he dashed away.

"Did he draw Lily, or something?" mused Remus, "No, James is in on it, that can't be it."

"I can't take it any more! I must tell him!" Dorcas began melodramatically. She ignored the cries of "No, don't!" and said, "We didn't want to tell you, because Peter drew me, and we didn't want you to be jealous."

"Why would I be- Ow! Why did you kick me, Lily?!" yelped Remus.

"I didn't kick you," said Lily.

"Yes you did," said Remus, "You were trying to stop me from saying that I don't care that Peter drew Dorcas."

"But why would you say that?" Lily said with a fake chuckle, then quickly followed up with, "So, Dorcas, what happened with Chlamydia Boy?"

Dorcas appeared not to hear. She was staring at Remus in shock. Slowly, she started to speak. "I left George. I came back here to spend time with you, Remus. And now I find out you don't even care that Peter drew me."

"But Peter didn't actually--" began Sirius obliviously. James stuffed a muffin in his mouth mid-sentence.

"I hate you, Remus Bloody Lupin!"

"Actually, my middle name is John."

"All this time, you led me on, and now you betray me!"

"I didn't lead you on! I made it abundantly obvious that I didn't like you!"

"I hate you!" repeated Dorcas, beginning to cry. She scrambled out of her seat and tried to run out. Unfortunately, someone was in her way.

"Watch where you're going, Meadows," snapped Snape, moving to the left so Dorcas could continue to run out of the hall.

"She doesn't have to, it's our house table," retorted James.

"James, that doesn't really make much sense," pointed out Lily.

James ignored Lily's comment and glared at Snape instead. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I need to complete my snog," said Snape loathingly, "Which I might point out, was your idea, and thusly, it's your fault I'm here."

"Please say you didn't draw me," said Alice.

"Well, this has been fun, but I have to go find Dorcas now," said Lily, "Excuse me, Severus, I need to get out of my seat. "

Snape moved aside and waved her past, but continued to follow her as she headed out the hall in search of Dorcas. As she reached the hall, he grabbed her wrist from behind and pulled her to the side of the door so that they were out of view of the students in the great hall.

"What the hell?!" Lily exclaimed as she felt a hand on her wrist.

Snape tugged Lily around to face him.

"Severus? What...?"

"I should think it would be obvious," Snape said. "I drew you in the snog," he went on when Lily continued to look oblivious. He released his grasp on her wrist. To Lily's surprise, Snape's face was not marred by his usual sneer, but seemed open; honest. His eyes were scanning her face, looking for -- what, a reaction?

"I guess we had best get on with it then," Lily said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Gently, Snape brushed a lock of hair out of Lily's face, cupped her cheek, and leaned in to brush his lips against hers, whisper-soft. He stayed close to her, their lips still only millimeters apart, and whispered, "You don't know how long I've been waiting to do that."

Lily felt a rush of "Oh no, he likes me and I don't know what to think about that" whiz through her brain, too fast to actually form the words in her mind. The feeling was vaguely familiar, and she realized that this was the same feeling she had experienced when she found out James liked her.

"Lily! What are you doing?" Dorcas cried, bursting out from her hiding place around the corner.

Snape gave Lily one last sad, longing look, before turning and rushing off to avoid Dorcas.

"Skiing in the Alps," said Lily dryly, turning towards Dorcas.

"You were snogging Snivellus!"

"No, I was skiing in the Alps," said Lily, waiting for Dorcas to say something intelligent.

"Why?"

"Because the Alps are nice this time of year."

"Lily!"

"Yes, Dorcas?"

_Meanwhile..._

"This was a stupid idea," Peter muttered to himself as he buttoned up his Perte shirt. "I'll still have to snog her and I'm bad at lying and Remus will find out and why am I thinking out loud?" He resumed thinking silently as he searched under his bed for the "head rag" he had previously cut from his pillowcase. "Ow!" he said as he poked his hand on some indiscernible sharp object. After poking his hand a second time, he gave up and crawled back out from under his bed. He grabbed his sword, took a deep breath, and went to search for Kaila.

He expected finding Kaila to be easy, if a little awkward. He expected to be in the Great Hall, eating breakfast, because that is what one generally does at breakfast time. He entered from the entrance closest to the Ravenclaw table, so he did not witness Dorcas' crying or Snape and Lily snogging. He tried to be as inconspicuous as possible while walking along the Ravenclaw table, but swords don't do much for inconspicuity.

"Mr. Pettigrew, what are you doing dressed as a pirate at my house table?" said Professor Flitwick from the Head Table. His squeaky voice carried surprisingly well.

"I'm a Portuguese swashbuckler," explained Peter, "And there is a fair maiden that needs snogging. And I'm not Mr. Pettigrew!"

Back at the Gryffindor table, James and Sirius were laughing over Peter's antics.

"He actually told him that he's a swashbuckler!" James said incredulously.

"Shush, I want to hear!" Remus said.

"You just want to see him get punished for breaking the school rules," said James.

"I said, SHUSH!"

"...I am...Perte!" Peter was continuing.

"Perte _What_?" asked Flitwick. "I refuse to address a student by first name, fictitious or otherwise."

"Perte...Pelicula!" Peter decided. He was sure he'd heard the word 'pelicula' somewhere, although he couldn't swear to it being Portuguese and not French or Spanish.

"Very well, Mr...Pelicula. Now that we have your identity settled, I suggest you return to your seat at the Gryffindor table."

"But I need to snog Kaila!"

Remus' roar of, "_WHAT?!!_" could be heard throughout the hall.

"He didn't say Kaila," said James, thinking quickly, "he said...uh..."

"If he didn't say Kaila, how did you know that's what I thought he said?" said Remus, his teeth gritted.

"Mr. Pelicula, could you please get your snogging done and go back to your table?" said Professor Flitwick.

"Okay! A swashbuckler never leaves a fair maiden unsnogged!" cried Peter.

"Stop using my words against me!" yelled Remus.

"When did you say that?" James asked.

"A while back! Why does it matter?!" Remus yelled.

"Could everyone in the hall stop yelling about snogging me?!" yelled Kaila.

"Oh, there you are," said Peter at a normal volume. He walked over to where she was sitting, the entire Ravenclaw table watching (the other houses didn't particularly care; everyone had seen enough public snogs due the the Secret Snog already). He took her hand in his.

"This is really stupid," muttered Kaila, but allowed herself to be pulled up by Peter. He dipped her back in a surprisingly well-done swashbuckler gesture, and kissed her.

_"Whoa I can't believe I'm actually doing this," _thought Peter,_ "This this isn't sort of thing I do, I'm supposed to be the wimpy one. Hmm, I've sort of been kissing her for a long time, haven't I?"_

A few of Kaila's friends wolf-whistled, but the most noise came from the Gryffindor table.

"GO PETER!" yelled Sirius.

"SNOG HER WITH ALL YOU'VE GOT!" yelled James.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER YOU PRAT!" yelled Remus.

Remus' furious yelling struck terror into Peter's (not Perte's) heart, and Peter immediately righted Kaila and released her.

"Sorry," Peter mumbled to his feet.

"You really don't need to apologize," Kaila said, looking slightly flushed and dazed.

"No, I meant to Remus."

"Sorry doesn't fix it!" Remus vented as he stormed over.

"Quiet! Back to your house table!" Flitwick yelled in vain.

"Help!" said Peter, grabbing the nearest student by the shoulders and cowering behind her as she continued to sit.

"Hey, don't use her as a shield! That's my friend Susan!" Kaila said indignantly.

Remus was inches away from doing something horrible to Peter, when what Kaila had said registered. "Susan, as in Susan Gal?" he asked, entirely derailed.

"Yes...?" Susan replied uncertainly.

"I need to snog you," said Remus.

"Oh. Very well. Go on."

"Well, you see, I don't really want to snog you," said Remus.

"That's not very nice!" said Kaila.

"Yeah!" agreed Susan.

"It's not that I don't want to snog you, it's just that..." Remus trailed off.

"He likes you, Kaila," explained Peter.

"I think that was pretty obvious," said Kaila.

"Merlin's venerable undershorts, do I have to do _everything_ around here?" Susan asked, rolling her eyes.

"Uh..." said Remus. Susan stood up, climbed off of the bench, and gave Remus a rather wet, sloppy snog. When she was done, Remus surreptitiously wiped his mouth on his sleeve, thinking "_Not one of my better snogs recently...wait, I'm thinking like I snog all the time! Too much exposure to Sirius! Augh!_"

"Weren't you going to kill me or something?" Peter unwisely reminded Remus.

"Nah, I decided I'm far too dignified to do that here," Remus said. He grinned evilly and added under his breath, "That's what full moons are for."

"Eep," said Peter.


End file.
